Lame Jokes Part 2

Bomber32

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Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, "Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do."

Paddy said, "Oi haven't got da fingers."

"Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2012! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?" exclaimed the doctor.

And Paddy said, "How da hell was I 'spose to pick them up boi?!!"
 

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Bomber32

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Paddy & Murphy are on a cruise ship.

Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight".

Murphy says "Everyone will be watching the band".

Paddy says "There isn't a band playing tonight".

Murphy says "I definitely heard some fellow say "a band on ship!"
 

Bomber32

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 

Bomber32

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A good citizen of Castlereagh was on his way home from church when he came across a man lying in the middle of the road, covered in blood.

"Good heaven, man, what happened to you?" he asked.

"The engine of my plane blew up and I had to bale out" said the man. "But my parachute didn’t open."

"Ah yes," said the Castlereagh man. "You’ll find that nothing opens around here on a Sunday."
 

Bomber32

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A man walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The man replies, "I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

The man becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way...ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The man looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "everyone is fine! It's me ... I'm off the drink!"
 

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Bomber32

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
 

Bomber32

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Two dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake. After fishing for hours at various spots and catching nothing, they decided to try one more time before calling it quits. Suddenly, fish started biting and they caught their limit inside of 20 minutes.

"Hey, we should mark this spot so next time we'll know where to fish," the first man told his buddy.

"Good idea," the second man replied, taking out a can of spray paint and making a large X on the floor of the boat.

"Why'd you do that?" his friend asked.

"Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."
 

Bomber32

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During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied “Bejazus! are yez feckin stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital”
 

Bomber32

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Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin' hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin' sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a fookin' clock!"
 
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