Lame Jokes Part 2

(Log in to remove this ad.)

DREAM TEAM BUFF

Premium Platinum
Joined
Feb 9, 2011
Posts
22,685
Likes
4,618
Location
Western Australia
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
MUFC & HRT
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael
Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC
Are Fascist B******. The bank has now asked him to close his account
and Mr.B***** has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque,
made out in his new name.
 

Bomber32

Brownlow Medallist
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Posts
12,873
Likes
420
Location
Keilor East
AFL Club
Essendon
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They each buy a pint of Guinness beer. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"
 

Bomber32

Brownlow Medallist
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Posts
12,873
Likes
420
Location
Keilor East
AFL Club
Essendon
An Irishman went to the doctor and was asked to give a urine sample.

The Irishman asked, "What's a urine sample?"

The doctor replied, "Go piss in a bottle."

The Irishman retorted, "Go shit in yer hat"

And the fight was on.
 

(Log in to remove this ad.)

DREAM TEAM BUFF

Premium Platinum
Joined
Feb 9, 2011
Posts
22,685
Likes
4,618
Location
Western Australia
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
MUFC & HRT
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on
the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he
was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help,
the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
 

Quadzilla

Brownlow Medallist
Joined
May 21, 2005
Posts
17,210
Likes
12,841
Location
North Antarctica
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Other Teams
Power, Magpies, Swamprats, Whales
Rosemary was always late delivering packages. This prompted the head of International Herbs & Spices to call her supervisor, demanding to speak to the parcel sage about Rosemary and time.
 

Quadzilla

Brownlow Medallist
Joined
May 21, 2005
Posts
17,210
Likes
12,841
Location
North Antarctica
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Other Teams
Power, Magpies, Swamprats, Whales
Sweet Annie made a sage remark: She sesame, "You'll rue the day you tried to make a dill with Rosemary to take a bow and yarrow and remove St. John's Wort. If you wind up in wormwood, you won't be back 'til the end of summer thyme."
 

Quadzilla

Brownlow Medallist
Joined
May 21, 2005
Posts
17,210
Likes
12,841
Location
North Antarctica
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Other Teams
Power, Magpies, Swamprats, Whales
A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a huge mug which he takes to his table. But when he tries to drink it, he find that instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. So he goes to complain.
The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager. The manager is very indignant - "But it's exactly what you asked for", he says.
"No it isn't!" says the customer, "how can this possibly be what I ordered?"
"It's a cup o' chinos", says the manager.
 

Quadzilla

Brownlow Medallist
Joined
May 21, 2005
Posts
17,210
Likes
12,841
Location
North Antarctica
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Other Teams
Power, Magpies, Swamprats, Whales
A blonde I know decided to have twelve clones made of herself. When she went to the clinic, she found it was a bleak brick house without any windows. When she asked the Clone Arranger why there were no windows, she was told that people in glass houses shouldn't grow clones.

As the clones were growing up, she found she was never allowed to take them out for a walk, because "you'll never walk a clone".

What disturbed her the most was that every time she would visit them, they all would be yelling at the top of their lungs. When she asked why they yelled so much she was told that this was to be expected as she had ordered a dozen I scream clones.
 

Quadzilla

Brownlow Medallist
Joined
May 21, 2005
Posts
17,210
Likes
12,841
Location
North Antarctica
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Other Teams
Power, Magpies, Swamprats, Whales
The jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.
His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
 
Top Bottom