Lame Jokes Part 2

worbod

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A guy walks out of the staff toilet and sits back down at his computer. The co-worker who sits next to him notices he has a weird grin on his face.

"What are you smiling about?" the co-worker asks.

"I just noticed an angry mosquito perched on the side of the urinal", says the first guy.

"How do you know it was angry?" the co-worker asks.

"Because I pissed it off."
 

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crowmyzone

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser.
I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The black Lab said, "I'm a digger.
I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane.
"I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
 

worbod

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An old spinster dies a virgin and has asked that the following inscription be put on her headstone: "Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin."

Being short of time the undertaker shortens this to: "Returned, unopened."
 

Quadzilla

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.... suddenly from across the dim reaches of the shady bar, a resonating screech shredded the air as a naked thigh shoved a chair aside. "Wow!" thought the Termite "my luck's changed tonight". He couldn't have been more wrong. The attractive blonde female, sauntered casually past him & left by the main door without glancing back - because she knew the termite wood borer!
 

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worbod

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I was driving through the outback and I found a bloke lying on the side of the road, covered in blood.
"What happened mate?" I asked.
He said, "It was a blue Holden Ute, with three blokes in the front, with a big aerial, NSW plates and 30 cases of beer in the back."
"How do you know all that?" I asked.
He replied, "I fell out of the bastard five minutes ago."
 

worbod

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A slug was creeping along in a rather dark, wet spot at the bottom of the garden, which he has just discovered. Too late, he realises that he has wandered into a bad part of town where all the snails are tough-assed hooligans. In an instant, the hooligan snails are all over him, have mugged him, taken his wallet and left him bruised and battered at the bottom of a rose bush. The gastropod police round up some suspect snails and arrange an identity parade. The slug looks at all the snails in turn and then shakes his head ruefully.
"It's no use," he wails. "I can't recognise any of them. It all happened so fast."
 
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