Lame Jokes Part 2

[Damp Squarie]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Are you there Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

 

[worbod]

What goes in dry, comes out wet and gives warm satisfaction?

A teabag.

 

[Xtreme]

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A retail store.

 

[worbod]

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One looks up your family tree and the other looks up your bush.

 

[Damp Squarie]

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

 

[Damp Squarie]

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY Dollars, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver sighing.

The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the far king Jeep - you live with it!"

 

[Damp Squarie]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

 

[worbod]

A joke that was popular from my early high school days:

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

A rooster says "utensil-a-doodle-do" and a prostitute says "Any utensil'll do".

 

[Damp Squarie]

Little Jonny was in a rush stuffing his breakfast in as fast as he could.

Mum : Where are you off to in such a rush?

Jonny : I'm goin down the brothel

M : Jonny! Stop telling lies where are you going?

J : Down the brothel!

M : I'm gunna belt you in a minute .......

J : Ok I'm going down the park to play footy with the boys. Dad can go and get his own friggin' hat...

 

[worbod]

I call my toilet a JIM instead of a JOHN. That way it sounds better when I say, "I went to the JIM first thing this morning".

 

[Xtreme]

There is a big sale in my bedroom

Clothes are 100% off

 

[worbod]

An Irishman walks into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish Whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours 5ml of the contents into the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist and says "Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist obligingly takes the teaspoon, puts the contents into his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "My GP told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar!"

 

[worbod]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

[worbod]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

 

[worbod]

An elderly man is reminiscing to his grandson about the good old days.

"When I was your age," he says, "my mum could send me to a shop with a single dollar, and I would bring back five kilos of potatoes, two loaves of bread, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and ten eggs. Nowadays, that's impossible ~ there are simply too many security cameras."

 

[worbod]

A beauty parlour is a place where women go to curl up and dye.

 

[Damp Squarie]

An Eskimo took a campervan holiday in New Zealand.

While driving around the admiring the views, the motor started coughing and spluttering and then died.

He got out and scratched his head. Not being mechanically minded, he didn't know what to do.

At that moment a Kiwi bloke pulled in to see what was wrong and if he could help. Friendly people those Kiwi's.

"What's up bro?" said the Kiwi.

"I don't know"' said the Eskimo, "It just stopped"

"Your in luck bro. I'm a mechanic. I'll have a look for you", said the Kiwi.

The Kiwi lifted the engine cover and smoke billowed out into the cabin of the camper. Hot oil was all over the engine and dripping onto the ground.

"Ahhhh," said the Kiwi, "the problem is that you've blown a seal."

'So what," said the Eskimo, "you bastards screw sheep".

 

[Xtreme]

The FIFA president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who's driving?

The police.

 

[Double the Fist]

The FIFA president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who's driving?

The police.

Gold.

 

[Damp Squarie]

* the Liberal gubberment, cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

 

[worbod]

Which breed of cow makes the best burgers?

Cows can't make burgers. They don't have opposable thumbs.

 

[DREAM TEAM BUFF]

A ghost walks into a bar to get a shot of whisky. The bartender says, sorry mate we don't serve spirits here

 

[JRFoxy]

A naked man wrapped in glad wrap walks in to see a doctor.

"Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?"

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

 

[JRFoxy]

Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A retail store.

Where do you go when your bum wears out?

To a wholesaler.

 

[worbod]

Interviewing a university applicant, the admissions officer asks, "If you could invite anyone to a dinner party, living or dead, who would it be?"
The student thinks it over, then answers, "The living one."