Lame Jokes Part 2

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.

The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a pr0n film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a pr0n theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."o_O
 
This morning at Woolworth's check-out I was behind a lady in the queue.
Her bill came to $56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under $50.

I thought she was probably someone’s Grandma and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out if they'd seen her.
She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her groceries back on the shelves...:)
 
Jack is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"

Jack sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jack brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.

A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jack continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jack. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi- resolution map of New York City appears on the display.

"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jack.

"View recede ten," Jack says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jack.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you £1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you £5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you £15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jack stops to think. He's only put about £8500 into materials and development, and with £15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. £15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jack abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jack after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jack points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."
 
Morgan died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Morgan.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange so he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Morgan.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Paddy said, 'Well, Morgan had two arseholes.'
'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say "There's Morgan with them two arseholes.......":drunk:
 
Mahatma Gandhi, as you probably know, walked barefoot most of the time; which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And, with his odd diet , he suffered from bad breath.

All of this made him - A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.:drunk:
 
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