Lame Jokes Part 2

[Generalissimo]

My great-great-great-uncle Friedrich is 130 years old and, though still active and alert, is starting to go slightly blind and deaf, and is having memory trouble.

A while ago I was watching the telly and he asks me, "WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?"

"The soccer world cup, uncle Friedrich."

"WHO'S PLAYING?"

"Austria/Hungary."

"AGAINST WHO?"

 

[worbod]

My chocolate bar was stolen yesterday. I had to hire a Bounty hunter.

 

[GreyCrow]

My chocolate bar was stolen yesterday. I had to hire a Bounty hunter.

I Snickered

 

[Billy ray]

Won’t be a picnic

 

[STFU Donnie]

There are three men on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I remember seeing Robin tell that on the '60s Batman show.

 

[STFU Donnie]

And here it is:

 

[worbod]

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he never lands.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I like that joke because it never gets old.

 

[Generalissimo]

I read somewhere that drinking too much is bad for your health, so I stopped reading.

 

[wal]

Drinking started to interfere with my work so I quit working

 

[Generalissimo]

My girlfriend discovered I was cheating when she found all the letters I was hiding.

She's refused to play scrabble with me ever since.

 

[STFU Donnie]

W.C. Fields on golf: "I always keep a bottle handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."

 

[wal]

W.C. Fields: It was a woman that drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

 

[Hard Ball Get]

How does Harry Potter go down a hill?

Walking.

JK. Rolling

 

[Generalissimo]

Moses descended from the mountain and addressed the crowd gathered below,

"Listen up everyone, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I managed to talk him down to ten. The bad news is, he's not budging on adultery."

 

[GreyCrow]

I went to the doctor today

He asked me how I was , I replied '' I'm good''

''Good? Get out , next patient please''

 

[worbod]

My son asked me, "Dad, why do bees stay in their hive during winter?"
I smiled and answered, "Swarm."

 

[Generalissimo]

The person who invented autocorrect has passed away.

Test I'm place. His funfair's next monkey.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

If mimes are arrested, do they have the right to remain silent?

 

[worbod]

I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. But who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?

 

[Generalissimo]

What thinks the unthinkable?

An itheberg.

 

[Generalissimo]

What happened when Hannibal crossed the Alps with his elephants?

He got a mountain range that never forgets.

 

[worbod]

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

 

[worbod]

Our new librarian is very polite and I think she's Italian. When I took a book back that was weeks overdue, rather than charging me she said, "That's-a-fine."

 

[Generalissimo]

I've spent four years trying to find my wife's killer.

But no-one will do it.