Lame Jokes Part 2

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May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' ;)
 

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Generalissimo

His Excellency
Jul 14, 2002
6,586
7,854
Somewhere
AFL Club
Geelong
Other Teams
The Mighty Cats
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and says "OOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOHUUUUUUUAAAAAAoooooooOOOOOOOOO"

The second one says, "Go home, Carl, you're drunk."
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!

I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
 

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Milkshaker

Cancelled
Nov 6, 2014
2,703
5,997
AFL Club
Hawthorn
There was an English explorer and his native guide in deepest darkest Africa about 100 years ago, who were exploring areas that no white man had ever seen.

Suddenly they were surrounded by some vicious looking natives who took them to a village, all the people of the village came out & a fierce looking chief, spoke to the native guide.

The guide turned to the first Englishman & said 'The chief says they are going to eat you unless you can complete three challenges.'

Petrified the Englishman agrees to the challenges as opposed to being eaten.

He is lead to three huts. The guide again is spoken to by the chief as all the villagers gather around.

The guide says, "In the first hut is a beverage that will empower you. In the second, a Lion with a string around its rotten tooth. Remove the tooth. In the third hut is a nubile female villager who has never been satisfied by any man. Satisfy her. "

The Englishman walks into the first hut and sees a bowl that contains at least two litres of liquid. Its not pleasant and it take him a couple of hours to drink it all.

The villagers waits patiently and eventually the Englishman staggers out of the hut inebriated beyond belief but without hesitation, he bravely walks into the second hut. There is screaming and roaring, dust and straw come from the window openings for 30 minutes maybe more. Then all goes quiet.

The Englishman eventually crawls out of the second hut, broken, his clothes torn and body bloodied. He stands up unsteadily, looks straight at the chief and says, "Now where is that woman with the rotten tooth!"
 
Bloke goes into a pet shop in Holland, searching for a new cat - with the proviso that it's a feline from native Holland. He sees one he likes in the shop window, so he approaches the shop owner and says, "Sir - how Dutch is that moggy in the window?"
 
Feb 24, 2013
45,365
37,740
The GoldenBrown Heart of Victoria
AFL Club
Hawthorn
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Man Utd Green Bay Melb Storm
739707
 
A certain bloke is his own biggest fan, so he works out a way to have himself cloned. Small problem - the original guy is mild mannered, while his clone is a foul mouthed pig of a human being.

One night, they both turn up at a party, which is being held upstairs. They get into a heated discussion, which spills out onto the balcony. It quickly escalates into fisticuffs, and eventually the clone falls several metres to his death.

The original guy is later arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
 

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