Lame Jokes Part 2

[Deliverance]

I heard two burglars in my house the other night say they were searching for cash. So I got up to join them in the search.

 

[Damp Squarie]

What do you call an exploding monkey?

Spoiler

Baboom

 

[Deliverance]

And God said unto John. "Come forth and you shall receive your place in heaven." But he came fifth, so he got a toaster instead.

 

[GreyCrow]

It is better to have loved a short girl than to have never loved a-tall

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I've got a drawer full of books on concussion.

If anyone wants a copy, knock yourself out.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

 

[worbod]

I'm currently writing a book about the man who colonised Australia. It will be my first Cook book.

 

[Generalissimo]

evant!

What do we want?

Time travel jokes!

When do we want them?

Irrel

 

[Damp Squarie]

Glass coffins ............... will they become popular? Remains to been seen!

 

[GreyCrow]

Fire Sale at the Crematorium

 

[Procrastinator35]

Yesterday, I saw this guy placing all of his Scrabble letters out on the road.

I asked him..."So, what's the word on the street"?

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What did the card dealer say to LMFAO?

Everyday I’m shuffling.

 

[Billy ray]

If I had a $ for every time I leave something unfinished,

 

[Damp Squarie]

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross.”
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,”Piss off, ya fookin' little w***ers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off.” She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

 

[Billy ray]

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven’t heard from him since.

 

[Xtreme]

I found $20 in the car park, and thought to myself 'what would Jesus do?' So, I turned it into wine.

 

[Generalissimo]

You can make a water bed bouncier by putting spring water in it.

 

[GreyCrow]

A Port supporter and an Adelaide supporter were found lying on the ground unconscious - an ambulance picked them both up ( to save costs) and rushed them to the hospital

Unfortunately the ambulance was going too fast and skidded and flipped over

Both men were pronounced Dead on a Rival

 

[Generalissimo]

Someone called me pretentious the other day.

I almost choked on my iced half caff sugar-free soy skinny caramel latte.

 

[Billy ray]

Someone called me condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

 

[Deliverance]

Reminds me of a Greek guy I once knew, would always be patronising to people going down the escalator at work.

 

[Wayne Dwop]

Someone called me condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

Wasn't he a Greek parachutist?

 

[YippeeYiYeo]

Sat down at a restaurant the other night and said to the waitress "Can i see the menu please?"

She slapped me in the face and replied "Its NONE of your business which men I please!!"

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What's a Chess player's favourite TV and movie genre?

A Pawno.

 

[Generalissimo]

Why don't ballerinas get out of bead before 7:00 in the morning?

Twirly.