Lame Jokes Part 2

[GreyCrow]

What do ballerinas say to their manager on pay day?

Pas de deux

 

[Deliverance]

Bought more of these new kinder surprises:



******* lazy toy makers put another wooden marble in there.

 

[worbod]

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

 

[Milkshaker]

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.

As the blonde leaves the shopkeeper says, "Come Again!"

The blonde replies, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

 

[Milkshaker]

Grandpa takes his grandson little Johnny fishing in a local pond after school one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, Grandpa fires up a cigar. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Grandpa asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your assh*le?" Little Johnny says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and Grandpa opens a beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your assh*le?" Little Johnny says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and little Johnny opens a bag of potato chips. Grandpa asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" Little Johnny asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your assh*le?" Grandpa says, "It sure can." Little Johnny says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."

 

[worbod]

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

It was soda pressing.

 

[Deliverance]

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

 

[Wallaby]

My wife got naked and asked me 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
I looked her up and down and replied, 'Your sense of humour'.

 

[worbod]

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

Because they had a fight and 2021.

 

[worbod]

I went to the library last month to borrow a book about the G-spot but I couldn't find anything.

 

[Mofra]

I went to the library last month to borrow a book about the G-spot but I couldn't find anything.

Should have tried the C section

 

[Procrastinator35]

I went to the library last month to borrow a book about the G-spot but I couldn't find anything.

Going to the library to learn about sex is like going to school to learn about life....Unless you're bonking the Librarian, that is.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A blond lady and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blond lady, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.".

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00". This catches the her attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? "she doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and co workers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the lady, and hands her $500.00. The she says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the lady and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

[emuboy]

When magician Roy Horn from Siegfried and Roy died earlier this year he went to Heaven and St. Peter admitted him through the Pearly Gates. As soon as he entered Heaven, two figures appeared before him - a large white tiger and big band leader Glenn Miller.

Glenn Miller indicates the tiger and asks, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who tried to chew your face off?"

 

[Damp Squarie]

A policeman spots a black man dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for back up saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on the roof of a kraut wagon"...do you copy

"You can't say that over the radio"... replies the operator. "You have to use politically correct terminology."

"OK" he says "Zulu, Tango...Golf"

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Saw 2 people who work on the Sydney Harbour Bridge competing against each other.

Must've been rigged.

 

[Wallaby]

Saw 2 people who work on the Sydney Harbour Bridge competing against each other.

Must've been rigged.

That's riveting.

 

[Moonwatcher]

Why does E.T. have such big eyes?

You would too if you saw his phone bill.

 

[GreyCrow]

If Penguins are small and live in Antarctica - and Polar Bears are big and live in the Arctic


Does that make them polar opposites?

 

[worbod]

I'm watching a fly-fishing competition online at the moment. It's a live stream.

 

[worbod]

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

You'll see one later and the other in a while.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Why are iPhone chargers not called apple juice? (just askin')

 

[worbod]

I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up.
Ah, good thymes.

 

[Andrewy]

What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

 

[Damp Squarie]

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

Spoiler

One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.