Lame Jokes Part 2

[Damp Squarie]

I asked my boss, "Whaddya want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap..?"He replied, "Just pop it over there, in the corner..."
Four hours later and I'm still at it...

 

[Andrewy]

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

 

[Wallaby]

What do you call a rolling 'n'?

A nun.

 

[Andrewy]

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

 

[Andrewy]

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"


And I told him, "No it doesn't!"

 

[philreich]

Patient: Doctor - I'm having trouble with my hearing.

Doctor: Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Marge has blue hair, and Homer is a fat guy.

 

[Andrewy]

I've been bored recently so I've decided to take up fencing.


The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

 

[Billy ray]

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a word I've said have you?
I thought to myself "what a weird way to start a conversation"

 

[Wallaby]

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a word I've said have you?
I thought to myself "what a weird way to start a conversation"

My wife occasionally complains that I don't pay attention to what she says.

Or something along those lines.

 

[Andrewy]

Cartoonist found dead in home.

Details are sketchy.

 

[Generalissimo]

I ran half an hour on the treadmill yesterday. It went fine, except for the constant beeping and the cashier yelling at me.

 

[GreyCrow]

I misheard my Doctor - I thought he told me I had to get my fitness up

 

[Xtreme]

You lose your phone and wallet

But

Alicia Keys still there

 

[STFU Donnie]

As told by Junior Soprano:

A guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife.

"I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.", she says.

"Why?", he asks, "don't you have a vase?".

 

[Andrewy]

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.


That's just how I roll.

 

[Wallaby]

People are shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

 

[GreyCrow]

People are shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

Whats the name of your business - I'll give you a plug

 

[Wallaby]

Whats the name of your business - I'll give you a plug

That'd be nice - it needs a spark.

 

[GreyCrow]

That'd be nice - it needs a spark.

Drop me a line

 

[Wallaby]

Watt do you charge?

 

[GreyCrow]

Watt do you charge?

Current rates

 

[Wallaby]

Well, that's a small positive. I'm short right now, so I'll wire it to you later.

 

[Billy ray]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

 

[RedmanWasHere]

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

Thank you Tim.

 

[Andrewy]

How do you feel when there's no coffee?


Depresso.