Lame Jokes Part 2

[philreich]

I also have a list of 4 things.

This time, they are 4 things I don't like.

04: Leaving blanks.
01:
03: Lists.
05: Not paying attention to what I've typed.
02: Inconsistencies.

There's also the 5 ways to avoid laziness:

1.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I've just discovered 10 ways to avoid clickbait.

No. 6 will shock you.

 

[Andrewy]

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?


An irrelephant.

 

[Andrewy]

My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"


What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

 

[Andrewy]

I haven't been to the gym in so long I've gone back to calling it James

 

[Andrewy]

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, and walked into a bar.


My life is a joke.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing…

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.

He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied.

Spoiler

“I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you."

 

[Damp Squarie]

I haven't been to the gym in so long I've gone back to calling it James

As long as you dont go to the Gym to get into Nick the ******* greek.

 

[Andrewy]

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.


If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

 

[Andrewy]

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."... Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

 

[philreich]

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.


If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I'm not very happy with the security at our house. I thought we'd made the place child proof, but the little bastards still get in somehow!!!

 

[philreich]

I just lost it in Chemist Warehouse. Saw a man whose trolley was full to the brim of hand sanitisers, baby wipes, soaps - basically everything people need. Called him a selfish a-hole, and gave him the low down on the elderly, needy Mums, and people who need this type of stuff. Then I told him that he should be ashamed of himself.

He said, "Are you done? Because I really need to get back to restocking the shelves now."

 

[STFU Donnie]

Really bad taste alert!

What's big and white and f--ks kiwis?

Spoiler

Mt. Erebus.

 

[Andrewy]

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this.

 

[Andrewy]

I went to the zoo today and saw a baguette in a cage.


The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I went to the zoo today and saw a baguette in a cage.


The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

I see we kneaded time to get to this one.

 

[GreyCrow]

I went to the zoo today and saw a baguette in a cage.


The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

I see we kneaded time to get to this one.

I like how you both roll

 

[Deliverance]

I thought it was a little stale.

 

[GreyCrow]

Don't bag it

 

[Xtreme]

you get in a fight in church while you’re on holiday, that's an altar-cation

 

[Andrewy]

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

 

[Andrewy]

My wife told me I was average, I think she's mean.

 

[Andrewy]

Why did the melons get married?


Because they cantaloupe.

 

[Andrewy]

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation.


I am sure it’s better for me than sitting around doing nothing.

 

[Damp Squarie]

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.