Lame Jokes Part 2

[Andrewy]

If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033?


There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.

 

[Wallaby]

Australia's Covid experience is very much like the Spice Girls.

Everyone's trying really hard, but Victoria's ruining it.

 

[Wallaby]

I recently got the award for Shoplifter Of The Year!







I didn't win it.

 

[Wallaby]

I nearly got caught stealing some chocolate the other day.

But I had a couple of Twix up my sleeve.

 

[Wallaby]

I was going to post a joke about quantum mechanics.......................

But it's both funny and not funny at the same time.

 

[Andrewy]

Day 14 of social distancing: struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He's a web designer.

 

[Andrewy]

Why did the health experts lie? They said a face mask was enough to go to the a supermarket.
When I got there, everyone else had clothes on.

 

[Andrewy]

Day 14 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

 

[Andrewy]

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

 

[Deliverance]

Just watched Jaws backwards. For those who haven't seen it, it's a heart warming story about a shark who gives limbs to disabled people.

 

[Wallaby]

Galileo died aged 71.
Pascal died aged 79.
Turing died at 41.
Descartes died at 53.

Sad see so many great mathematicians who died in the prime of their life.

 

[GreyCrow]

Galileo died aged 71.
Pascal died aged 79.
Turing died at 41.
Descartes died at 53.
Phar Lap 7
Sad see so many great mathematicians who died in the prime of their life.

FTFY - I put Descartes before the horse

 

[Deliverance]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7, 8, 9

 

[Deliverance]

But why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

 

[Deliverance]

10 is also gone now, because he was in the middle of 9/11

 

[Andrewy]

That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.

 

[Andrewy]

I ordered an home study course, “How to Deal With Life’s Disappointments”.

Friday, I got the first lesson by post.

It was an empty envelope.

 

[Andrewy]

Ironing board.

A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.

 

[Herne Hill Hammer]

A man had died and following the funeral service, there was a wake held back at the new widow's home.

As she was sitting there contemplating life without her life partner, one of his best mates came up to her and asked, 'do you mind if I say a word?'.

'Not at all', she responded.

The man stood up, and everyone went quiet.

He said, 'plethora', and sat down again.

The widow, touching his knee and looking at him with tears welling in her eyes, said, 'thankyou, that means a lot to me'.

 

[Deliverance]

What came first, the chicken or the egg?



The rooster.

 

[Wallaby]

Call the wife 'beautiful' 1,000 times and she won't notice.

Call her 'fat' once, and she'll always remember.

Elephants never forget.

 

[Andrewy]

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

 

[GreyCrow]

What kind of bat has 6 legs?








Cricket bat

 

[Andrewy]

What’s the best way to avoid touching your face?

A glass of red wine in each hand.

 

[Andrewy]

what’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?


Snowballs.