Lame Jokes Part 2

[Andrewy]

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?


An animal that’s in a baaaaaaaaad moooooooood.

 

[worbod]

There are 11 types of people in this world: those who can count in binary and those who can't.

 

[STFU Donnie]

Just watched Jaws backwards. For those who haven't seen it, it's a heart warming story about a shark who gives limbs to disabled people.

What happens when you play a Country and Western song backwards?



You get your wife back.
You get your house back.
You get your pick-up back.
You get your dog back.

 

[Andrewy]

If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

 

[Andrewy]

What did the man say to the bartender?

I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.

 

[Andrewy]

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

 

[Andrewy]

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

 

[Andrewy]

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

 

[Wallaby]

Why are genders like the World Trade Centre towers?
Because there used to be two of them, but it's offensive to joke about that now.

 

[Xtreme]

Many people are too judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

 

[Damp Squarie]

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call a man who loves bags full of wood?

Rudyard Kindling.

 

[Wallaby]

I found the world's worst thesaurus online.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

 

[Andrewy]

Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

 

[Andrewy]

What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you’ll see later, the other you’ll see in a while.

 

[Wallaby]

I just dropped jam onto my autobiography.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Whilst dithering on a decision to get either AstraZenica or Pfizer I discovered that Pfizer make Viagra.
And I thought, if Pfizer can raise the dead then it should be able to keep the alive living.
Its Pfizer for me

 

[Andrewy]

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

 

[Andrewy]

What happened when a tap, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

The lettuce was ahead, the tap was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

 

[Wallaby]

I told my doctor I was getting up too many times in the night for a wee after drinking wine. He told me to try the new wine that's been developed for people like me - it's a blend of Pinot Noir, Pinot Gris and a touch of Pinot Blanc.

It's called Pinot More.

 

[BrewSmackerVeiny]

Which countries' media makes the best coffee?

The French press

 

[Andrewy]

What did the sock say to the pants?

“‘Sup britches?!”

 

[Andrewy]

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

 

[Xtreme]

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle ?

Attire

 

[BrewSmackerVeiny]

What did the bun say while playing hide and seek?

Bready or not, here I crumb!