Lame Jokes Part 2

[worbod]

I have just heard a news report that Col Elliott is suing a toothpaste company for backing out of an advertising deal. The scandal is being referred to as Colgate.

 

[worbod]

No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

 

[Xtreme]

My friend asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public.

I said maybe.

 

[worbod]

My friend asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public.

I said maybe.

I used to do the same thing with Diana Ross songs. It was a chain reaction.

 

[GreyCrow]

Queen songs - I tell my best friend dont stop me now

 

[raskolnikov]

It's Pulp for me. I like to sing along with the common people.

 

[Mofra]

Queen songs - I tell my best friend dont stop me now

Freddie Mercury was handed two plates at the end of his last Greek restaurant visit, to break as per tradition.

He protested: "I want to break three!"

 

[nberte3gvrejo]

I used to do the same thing with Diana Ross songs. It was a chain reaction.

I think even today you can find the same fans in the crowd, you just have to walk in the right places

 

[raskolnikov]

Did you know Stephen King has a son called Joseph? I'm not joking. But he is.

 

[worbod]

A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

 

[GreyCrow]

A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

Neither did I - and when I heard about Dolly I felt sheepish

 

[worbod]

After the birth of your first child, your role in life will become apparent.

 

[raskolnikov]

At my boss's funeral a colleague went up to the coffin, knelt down and said. "Who's thinking outside the box now Jim?".

 

[raskolnikov]

My girlfriend is thinking of breaking up with me because I only have 4 toes on each foot.

Turns out she's lack toes intolerant.

 

[royboy2]

How do you know if you're at a Bulimic's bucks party?

The cake jumps out of the girl!

 

[Xtreme]

Started a band called "Duvet". We only play covers

 

[Xtreme]

My ex wife contacted me, in her own words she said she needed closure. I told her that if she kept her legs closed we would have never divorced.

 

[Wallaby]

Police: "Cover me"
Rookie cop: "ok - Every little thing she does is magic"

 

[Xtreme]

Never date a tennis player..
Love means nothing to them.

 

[raskolnikov]

My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave."
I said, "You pack them."

 

[raskolnikov]

I no longer see my wife and kids. It's all because of gambling. I won the lottery and moved to Hawaii.

 

[Wallaby]

​

My daughter just walked into the lounge room and said:

“Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

Well, she didn’t put it quite like that… she actually said… “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he barracks for Collingwood.”

 

[GreyCrow]

Seven years ago today, I found out its a boy






(Never going to Thailand again)





https://twitter.com/i/user/887662814

 

[raskolnikov]

I tried to make a reservation at the library but they were completely booked.

 

[Jetafl]

For Christmas I bought my GF a new lawnmower I hope she likes it. I also hope it is not too hot on Christmas day when she is out there pushing that thing back and forth.