Lame Jokes Part 2

[GETSOMENUTS]

I recently lost three fingers in a workplace accident.
I asked the doc if I could still drive with my injured hand.
He said "probably, but I wouldnt count on it".

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Last night I yanked out a couple of nose hairs, just to see if it would hurt.
Judging by the way my wife woke up screaming, I'd say the answer is YES!

 

[Andrewy]

Once I was kidnapped by mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

 

[Andrewy]

My wife wasn't too happy last night when I asked her to pick up Fish and Chips on her way home.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

 

[worbod]

Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

 

[Falconista]

One I saw on Insta today:

 

[worbod]

Does anyone remember this oldie:

Two Irishmen were chatting when one says to the other, "My daughter's marrying a man named O'Reilly."
"Oh really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

It sounds better hearing Spike Milligan say it in one of his Q shows.
But here's a more modern one:

What do you call it when Batman skips church?
A Christian Bale.

 

[Andrewy]

Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.

 

[Andrewy]

Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover up his butt quack!

 

[Andrewy]

What do you call a nervous Jedi?

Panakin Skywalker.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

A barber in my neighbourhood was caught selling drugs. As one of his regular customers, I was shocked.
Didnt even know he was a barber......

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

one my kids told me:
What shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals

 

[Andrewy]

One of my kids is blaming me for ruining their birthday.


That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!

 

[worbod]

I was thinking of posting some photos of Richard Nixon in here but I didn't want to get in trouble for sharing Dick pics.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Lance isnt a common name anymore, but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

My friend asked me once, was it hard being an electrician?
I said nah mate its light work

 

[Andrewy]

I told my wife that Old Macdonalds Farm had started to use artificial intelligence.


Her: AI?
Me: AI!
Her: Oh

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Was on the bus today when a load of chinese tourists got on.
One sat next to me and pulled out a video camera. I said "gday mate, whats your name"?
He said "Hi, Im Phil Ming"

 

[Andrewy]

My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

 

[Andrewy]

A slice of apple pie is $12.50 in Jamaica, and a slice of custard pie is $11.00 in Cuba but a slice of lemon meringue pie is $9.50 in St Lucia.


These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

A slice of apple pie is $12.50 in Jamaica, and a slice of custard pie is $11.00 in Cuba but a slice of lemon meringue pie is $9.50 in St Lucia.


These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

I got an invite to my cousins wedding. invitation said "black tie only".
But when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

What is the name of the dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
Thesaurus

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Lack of general knowledge is my Achille's knee.

 

[Andrewy]

I was recently playing chess with a mate.
Out of nowhere he says "lets make this interesting"
So we stopped playing chess.