Lame Jokes Part 2

[Andrewy]

I got a compliment on my driving today.
Someone left a note on my windscreen which said "Parking Fine"
Wasn't that nice.

 

[Andrewy]

My new car has a gadget for just about everything.

It even has a rear wiper.

I can't wait to try it.

 

[Andrewy]

My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.

He has serious selfie steam issues.

 

[GETSOMENUTS]

Archaeologists discovered a new tomb today. Inside was a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
They believe it is Pharoah Rocher

 

[Andrewy]

I’ve just been reading some interesting Government statistics , it’s been proven both statistically and by the use of the correct algorithms that Australian Federal Govt surveys show three out of four people make up 75% of the total population! ……. Amazing!

 

[Andrewy]

What did Rudolph, a Russia weather forecaster say to his wife?

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

 

[Andrewy]

A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.

 

[Andrewy]

If you feel like someone is watching you, you’re not alone.

 

[A Bit Dusty]

Q. Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?
A. Because he is married

 

[Andrewy]

I had to stop being vegetarian recently.

It was a huge missed steak.

 

[Andrewy]

My friend called me to tell me he bought an electric car, then an electric blanket, then an electric chair.


I have never heard from him since.

 

[Andrewy]

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

[worbod]

I took a photo of my paddock yesterday after I harvested the wheat. It ended up being a cropped image.

 

[Andrewy]

If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal.
You win the gold, you feel good.
You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’
But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won!
Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’

 

[Andrewy]

I was on the train the other day and one of those security people told me he had to charge me extra for telling dad jokes.

I told him that's not fare.

 

[Andrewy]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

 

[Andrewy]

My grief counselor died yesterday.

He was so good, I don’t even care.

 

[Andrewy]

Did you hear the one about the three watering holes in the ground?


Well, well, well…

 

[Andrewy]

A mate died recently after drinking varnish.

It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

 

[Andrewy]

What is it called when you have your Grandma on speed dial?

Instagram.

 

[worbod]

What does a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They are both Paris sites.

 

[Andrewy]

Rumors of a food shortage at this year’s spoonerism conference turned out to be a complete lack of pies.


Did you hear that the Devil is going bald?
Yeah, there’s gonna be hell toupee.

 

[Andrewy]

I went to the Drs Surgery yesterday to explain that I have 5 penises.
All he said was.. "My God, how do your pants fit?"
I said .."Like a glove"

 

[winty]

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
"What can I get you?" asks the bartender.
The rabbit responds "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect."

 

[worbod]

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.