Rumour Leaked Minutes of PAFC Crisis Board Meeting

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Sewer de Lance

Club Legend
Feb 10, 2013
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Other Teams
Jamaica Bob Sled FC
Koch: is everyone ready to commence?

Ken: Listen love, I have to go, the meetings about to start. Yeah, yeah, one carton of Zeroes will easily see me through until the end of week....wait, wait, Donna, are you still there?...Honey don’t forget to feed the dogs, remember that ‘Right man standing’ is on 3/4 portions for the next few days...okay bye love.

Koch: Are you receiving this okay Keith? The audio feed on Skype can be a bit hit & miss, especially in downtown Shanghai...oh that’s perfect. Well first of all, thanks everyone for making yourselves available on such short notice. As you’re all very well aware it’s been a terrible week for everyone involved, & I for one haven’t slept a wink...

Kevin Osborn: Excuse me David, just before you go on...Gavin has just sent me a text & sends his apologises for not being able to be here tonight...

Koch: is everything okay?

Kevin Osborn: look David, I think everything is just fine. He just had another pre-booked commitment down at a Windy Hill that he couldn’t get out of.

Holly Ransom: well that’s understandable...pass onto him my best wishes Kevin

Kevin Osborn: Off course.

Koch: thank you Kevin. Now where were really saddens me, but I’m not sure I can ever recall a worse weekend since I was appointed Chairman of this club. It grieves me to say this, but ‘Work Harder for Longer’ broke down when approaching the final bend of the Angle Park Guineas & had to be put down.

Amanda Vanstone: ******* hell Ken, you said he was a sure thing!

Ken: Well...

Darren Cahill: I knew it, I told you lot three bloody weeks ago that he was the wrong dog for the race & ‘You Get What You Deserve’ was the much better option...

Koch: Alright, alright everyone just take a breather & settle down for the moment. When we took over this syndicate in 2013 we all knew we were coming from a long way back. We have to the embrace the fact that we are a little battler syndicate from Alberton who are now trying to compete with the big boys.

Cos Cardone: Spot on Kochie...

Vanstone: Oh put a ******* sock in it Cossie you brown noser. Unlike you mob, my hard fought reputation was on the line with this one. I gave Steven Marshall my word that he could double next years state budget with odds of 3/1. Now what do you suppose I ******* tell him?

Koch: Hey, hey, just give me a moment please. Just remember who runs this show & it ain’t Karl ‘sh*t for Brains’ Stefanovic. I know this is a very stressful & difficult time for everyone involved but we must endeavour to remain focused This is a time for cool heads, & not to jump at shadows. That’s not the Port Adelaide way. haven’t said much...remind everyone what we exist for again...

James Restas: My pleasure David...’We exist to win the Sandown Cup’.

Koch: To bloody right we do.

Ken: Look, can I but in for one second. Let’s not kid ourselves, We all know Greyhound racing is a bloody tough gig at the best of times & someone unfortunately has to lose. Is the group disappointed? Off course we are, but we learn from our mistakes & move onto next week...

Darren Cahill: Oh fu** me, not this sh*t again Ken.

Ken: No, no please here me out here Darren. Now I know we don’t always see eye to eye, given your old man was a bloody legend of the industry. I wish I could have half the talent that he possessed.

Darren Cahill: That’s bloody right mate, & don’t you forget it. The only trainer to ever lead a three legged Dog to Cup glory.

Ken: Yes, but like I was saying, I still have full faith & confidence in this current group. Granted, the results in recent weeks have made it a little tougher, but I haven’t given up hope. We’re still a small chance of getting a runner into the Cup this season. ‘Bring Back Neade’ is 3rd emergency, & ‘In Ken We Trust’ is currently 4th.

Trevor Theile: I’m with you Ken, I haven’t given up hope of pulling of a September miracle yet. There is a strong rumour of a Parvovirus outbreak over at Beveridges Kennel, so we might yet fall in on default.

Andrew Day: I’ve heard that might be the case as well Trev. Might I just add, there is another rumour circulating around the traps that Woosha’s stable might be in involved in some dubious race day treatments.

James Restas: I knew those pricks were up to no good.

Andrew Day: Look, look, I must stress to you that it’s only a rumour at this stage. Given it’s coming from the mouth of Damian Barrett, a late parvovirus outbreak is still our best chance.

Koch: Alright guys, let’s try to get back on track here. I for one think Ken has never trained better. In fact I think he’s training at the the top of his game right now.

Ken: Thanks Kochie, I tend to agree with those sentiments.

Koch: Now I think this is a good time to bring Keith in to discuss an issue that just won’t go away & thats the decision to endorse Co-Sires for the first time in the syndicates history. What updates have you got for us KT?

KT: well, first of all, it’s a big Hi from Shanghai everyone. Look, i’ll be brutally honest, the majority of members are still out for blood on this delicate issue. I’m doing my best to appease the faithful by sending out regular emails, but I must admit I’m not making much headway. Most wish we never let ‘Wish I Was Cat’ step down from the number 1 Sire role.

Kevin Osborn: Well KT, in hindsight, that might be well & true but at the time we all thought two alpha sires were better then one.

Cos Cordone: and let’s not forget how unlucky we were when ‘Good Golly, Fat Olly’ went amiss in a freak accident just before the season started. Poor Bass let him off the leash at the beach, and he somehow managed to tear one of his nuts clean off when chasing a ball through the dunes. I mean he’s been doing that type of sh*t since he was a pup. That day there just happened to be a piece of loose corrugated iron sticking out the sand & the rest they say is history.

Amanda Vanstone: That might be well & good, but it still doesn’t excuse the piss poor form of our other Co-Sire ‘I’ll Ski when I want to’. He’s been one big monumental ******* letdown all season. By all reports he’s been firing blanks all season & his service fee has hit rock bottom.

Koch: Noted Amanda, Would you like to respond to that KT? Do we consider going back to a single Sire for next year? It has some merit don’t you think.

KT: Look, I’m as disappointed as anyone, really disappointed, but I still think its the stables best current approach. We still might be able to get something decent for ‘Good Golly, Fat Olly’ over the summer. If we get no takers, the local Shanghai meat market could be another option.

Darren Cahill: and thoughts on a potential replacement?

KT: Good question Darren, at this stage I have two in mind, the first is ‘Geriatric Rocky’, & the other is ‘Big Dix’.

Amanda Vanstone: Over my ******* dead body, ‘Big Dix’ is a certified dud, we all know that. Has an enormous member, but spends his load early every time.

Andrew Day: What about ‘Slyce Magoo’? I know he’s been out of favour of late, but I think he shows a bit?

Kevin Osborn: I like your line of thinking Andrew.

Koch: Alright, let’s discuss that important matter again next week. I know it’s getting late & some of us actually have early morning commitments to fulfil. But quickly, Ken would you mind giving us some quick thoughts on the current state of our stable leading into the off season?

KT: No problem Kochie, like I’ve been telling everyone throughout the entire year, I have full confidence in this current group. ‘Mentally Soft Hoff’, ‘No Show Harts’ & ‘MotSoft’ continue to show a bit.

Trevor Theile: What about ‘Frampton Out’, I heard he’s coming along very well in the lower grades & could be promoted? Didn’t he recently bolt in by 6 lengths in a class 3 event last month?

Ken: Sorry Trev, I disagree completely. I know he’s got a few admirers, but I simply don’t rate him at all. If I had it my way, he wouldn’t be part of this stable at all. ‘SGray for President’, & ‘Bring back Neade’ both have a much higher ceiling.

Koch: Any others quickly?

Ken: ‘Robbie Must Go On’ & ‘Wish I was A Cat’ are still our most reliable dogs, but keep an eye out for ‘Shoot Another Arrow’, ‘Rozee My Pony’ & ‘Butters Could Flop’ who have all shown a bit, but a few more years under my care, I think I can develop each of them them into class acts.

Darren Cahill: How’s ‘Party Pal Pepper’ tracking? He looked really good in his early races.

Ken: He’s still immature & has a lot to learn. Gets easily distracted by the Bitches, especially on race day.

Koch: Okay, if that’s everything. Once again thanks for turning up on such short notice, in what’s been a very trying week for all. Just one more thing, & I beg you for your patience, but we need to tick off some house cleaning before we go.

Amanda Vanstone: fu** Off David, look at the time already.

Holly Ransom: Yes David, it’s getting late.

Koch: I’m sorry, i’ll make it real quick. Any thoughts or feedback on our 86 point loss to the Roos last Saturday night?.....Anyone? Ken?

Ken: Sorry Kochie....were you talking to me?

Koch: All Good mate, well if that’s everything, I formally bring this meeting to a close.
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