Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 of 2017 - the "finals were better last year" Edition
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Player 41 - Travis Colyer
Pictured: Travis concentrates intently during the falcon training drill
Travis Colyer is a 175cm, 75kg player for Essendon proving they've stopped giving some of their players the weird Mexican stuff Danky found at a garage sale.
Described as "speedy", Travis does have pace. He utilizes this pace during games to run to locations on the field where the ball isn't. Despite years of solid leadership* at Tullamarine, nobody has bothered correcting this flaw.
An early second round pick in the 2009 draft, Travis is described as forward although he did play on the wing a fair bit this year. Managing 11 effective disposals per game and about half a goal, Colyer is the type of guy that would get forgotten in team photos and then given the label "not pictured" when it comes out because it's too much effort to get the team together again, especially at a club like Essendon where some of their best work is 'off-site' anyway.
Capable of a decent game here and there, in fairness to Travis he did manage to curtail the influence of Andrew "hardman" Gaff in one game against the Weagles. Opposite this, he went unsighted in his second game against Brisbane and was very poor against perennial finals chokers Adelaide and Geelong.
His name has already been thrown up in trade discussions on the Essendon board, which is a place that has a similar grip on reality as Belle Gibson. Not a bad analogy really considering her penchant for alternatives to 'traditional medicine', her lying, her undue media attention and word has it her unit has a spongey floor too. On top of all that she was fined for dodgy practices. Ta da.
The words that would describe Trav are 'ineffective' or 'inconsequential'. The best word to describe him is 'in', as in 'in the Bottom 50 for 2017'.
Having gotten a Belle Gibson reference in there I will be so very disappointed if Lisa Wilkinson and her magical aged garlic don't get a mention. Not angry of course. Just disappointed.
Mofra
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Player 40 - Tory Dickson
Pictured: Tory poses with a... well hopefully, a young fan and not Jake Stringer's new girlfriend
Tory Dickson, heading into season 2017, was statistically the second most accurate kick for goal in VFL/AFL history (of any player who has kicked more than 50 goals). He managed a 50 goal season in 2015, kicked three goals in the 2016 grand final to get to 40 for the season and looked set to again make a strong contribution in the front half for the Bulldogs.
Despite all that, like a gynecologist starting a 12 month secondment in Nimbin, Bulldog fans were in a for a year of disappointment and horror at what unfolded.
After an interrupted pre-season he took a couple of months to make the senior side and made little difference to a season that sunk faster than a Melbourne oBike. He still bobbed up for an opportunistic goal here and there and did manage 11 goals from his 9 games (and only 3 behinds) but he was down in every statistical category (and yes, disposals too) despite mentioning in an interview he spent more time "up the field" this year.
"Up the field" may be a euphemism given his nickname at the Bulldogs is "Tinder King", although Jakey Stringer will probably take that title when the age restrictions get relaxed downwards a little on that particular App. Averaging 7.3 effective disposals per game he was about as effective 'up the ground' as the AFL strategy in South East Queensland. Like South East Queensland, Dicko's story is one beset with bogan elements running all through it.
Winning the Frankston VFL B&F in 2009 he no doubt had a good solid year of immersement in mullets, Holden utes and bridesmaids who no doubt still think fondly of that one night she was smashed on the pink party bus, drinking piccolos of Yellow 'champagne' through a penis straw while screaming at the driver to "play the grease mega mix, or some Abba!!!"
When that became too much he went and played for Noble Park, which is a delightful suburb just left to the burning car chassis' in Melbourne's south east. I dated a Noble Park girl for a solid few hours once. She described her anus as "the back pussy" so a good night was had by all. After winning a premiership there he went and played for the Bendigo Bombers, which was the Essendon VFL team except they didn't dope their players up because there is no drug problem in regional Australia at all. He then found his way to the Bulldogs and won a VFL premiership in 2014 and an AFL premiership in 2016, winning medals that, unlike Jobe or a Chinese swimmer, he doesn't have to eventually hand back.
Tory is also a single dad which we all know means he's a great guy, can drink like a fish, is handsome and well-hung and loved by his friends and creates mildly amusing lists at the end of the football season. At a guess.
Anyway good luck next year Tory, hopefully you spend the off-season with your teammates teaching them how to kick (or, in at least one case, how to kick a habit). Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Pictured: Tory poses with a... well hopefully, a young fan and not Jake Stringer's new girlfriend
Tory Dickson, heading into season 2017, was statistically the second most accurate kick for goal in VFL/AFL history (of any player who has kicked more than 50 goals). He managed a 50 goal season in 2015, kicked three goals in the 2016 grand final to get to 40 for the season and looked set to again make a strong contribution in the front half for the Bulldogs.
Despite all that, like a gynecologist starting a 12 month secondment in Nimbin, Bulldog fans were in a for a year of disappointment and horror at what unfolded.
After an interrupted pre-season he took a couple of months to make the senior side and made little difference to a season that sunk faster than a Melbourne oBike. He still bobbed up for an opportunistic goal here and there and did manage 11 goals from his 9 games (and only 3 behinds) but he was down in every statistical category (and yes, disposals too) despite mentioning in an interview he spent more time "up the field" this year.
"Up the field" may be a euphemism given his nickname at the Bulldogs is "Tinder King", although Jakey Stringer will probably take that title when the age restrictions get relaxed downwards a little on that particular App. Averaging 7.3 effective disposals per game he was about as effective 'up the ground' as the AFL strategy in South East Queensland. Like South East Queensland, Dicko's story is one beset with bogan elements running all through it.
Winning the Frankston VFL B&F in 2009 he no doubt had a good solid year of immersement in mullets, Holden utes and bridesmaids who no doubt still think fondly of that one night she was smashed on the pink party bus, drinking piccolos of Yellow 'champagne' through a penis straw while screaming at the driver to "play the grease mega mix, or some Abba!!!"
When that became too much he went and played for Noble Park, which is a delightful suburb just left to the burning car chassis' in Melbourne's south east. I dated a Noble Park girl for a solid few hours once. She described her anus as "the back pussy" so a good night was had by all. After winning a premiership there he went and played for the Bendigo Bombers, which was the Essendon VFL team except they didn't dope their players up because there is no drug problem in regional Australia at all. He then found his way to the Bulldogs and won a VFL premiership in 2014 and an AFL premiership in 2016, winning medals that, unlike Jobe or a Chinese swimmer, he doesn't have to eventually hand back.
Tory is also a single dad which we all know means he's a great guy, can drink like a fish, is handsome and well-hung and loved by his friends and creates mildly amusing lists at the end of the football season. At a guess.
Anyway good luck next year Tory, hopefully you spend the off-season with your teammates teaching them how to kick (or, in at least one case, how to kick a habit). Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
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That Bendigo Bombers paragraph.
The ultimate indictment!
Is he allowed to start taking medals back?
Is this a confession? You also have an incredible level of knowledge about Tory's VFL shenanigans...
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Mofra
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Player 39 - Trent McKenzie
Pictured: Trent McKenzie (back, left) meets Gold Coast's entire cheersquad
Trent McKenzie is a Gold Coast Suns player which means when Googling information about him I had to go past the first two pages. He's a defender, just in case you were wondering.
Trent was part of Gold Coast's concession picks when they were allowed to sign a bunch of 17 years olds. For St Kilda fans this means signing 17 year old boys as future players, no co-signing rent agreements for chicks who like to steal laptop photos. Jake Stringer, stop PMing me.
Trent burst onto the AFL scene with his long kicking, his long kicking and... ah.... you get the drift. He literally has one string to his bow, he can kick the ball a long way. This helps him kick the ball a long way, but unfortunately there is a lot more to being an AFL player than the mere ability to kick the ball blindly in the vague direction of your tall forwards (a long way).
Pictured: Trent's home made guitar
Starting the year in the NEAFL and being stranded on 99 games for over 12 months, he had to wait until round 16 against Sydney to bring up the magical 100. It "wasn't worth the wait" according to the 37 GCS fans in attendance and he followed that up by getting beaten by both tall and short players the next week against Collingwood.
By the way if you're trying to work out the standard of football the NEAFL represents imagine you've just seen David Attenborough speak at a conference (AFL standard), and the next speaker is a drunk Robbo trying to freestyle battle rap to a backing track of Meatloaf at the 2011 Grand Final. With his mouth full. Of ants. That's the NEAFL.
Somehow in his third game AFL game of 2017 Trent struggled against the Bulldogs who don't even bother having a forwardline some weeks (more of that in previous write ups... and perhaps/probably future ones). Getting dropped to the NEAFL again, he came back and displayed his ability to occasionally get the ball and kick it long to nobody in particular. Somehow he played well against the Bombers, and then reverted back to the mean with a poor showing against Port. The end.
His nickname is apparently "The Cannon" because of his left leg which is probably not the worst nickname going around, far better than what Essendon fans assure me is Paddy Ryder's actual nickname. Hint: it rhymes with "that duck-wit punt" which is both etymologically challenging to envision and socially unacceptable to shout out at social gatherings.
I will give him this: a casual glance of his Twitter feed shows he at least has a sense of humour which I suppose is vital at a club that is rebuilding after six years, is onto coach number four, had Karmichael Hunt win a game off his own boot, retains players about as well as Sam Newman moves with the times, and is about as attractive a destination as Damascus/Mosul/Adelaide.
Trent, good luck with your future long-kicking. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Pictured: Trent McKenzie (back, left) meets Gold Coast's entire cheersquad
Trent McKenzie is a Gold Coast Suns player which means when Googling information about him I had to go past the first two pages. He's a defender, just in case you were wondering.
Trent was part of Gold Coast's concession picks when they were allowed to sign a bunch of 17 years olds. For St Kilda fans this means signing 17 year old boys as future players, no co-signing rent agreements for chicks who like to steal laptop photos. Jake Stringer, stop PMing me.
Trent burst onto the AFL scene with his long kicking, his long kicking and... ah.... you get the drift. He literally has one string to his bow, he can kick the ball a long way. This helps him kick the ball a long way, but unfortunately there is a lot more to being an AFL player than the mere ability to kick the ball blindly in the vague direction of your tall forwards (a long way).
Pictured: Trent's home made guitar
Starting the year in the NEAFL and being stranded on 99 games for over 12 months, he had to wait until round 16 against Sydney to bring up the magical 100. It "wasn't worth the wait" according to the 37 GCS fans in attendance and he followed that up by getting beaten by both tall and short players the next week against Collingwood.
By the way if you're trying to work out the standard of football the NEAFL represents imagine you've just seen David Attenborough speak at a conference (AFL standard), and the next speaker is a drunk Robbo trying to freestyle battle rap to a backing track of Meatloaf at the 2011 Grand Final. With his mouth full. Of ants. That's the NEAFL.
Somehow in his third game AFL game of 2017 Trent struggled against the Bulldogs who don't even bother having a forwardline some weeks (more of that in previous write ups... and perhaps/probably future ones). Getting dropped to the NEAFL again, he came back and displayed his ability to occasionally get the ball and kick it long to nobody in particular. Somehow he played well against the Bombers, and then reverted back to the mean with a poor showing against Port. The end.
His nickname is apparently "The Cannon" because of his left leg which is probably not the worst nickname going around, far better than what Essendon fans assure me is Paddy Ryder's actual nickname. Hint: it rhymes with "that duck-wit punt" which is both etymologically challenging to envision and socially unacceptable to shout out at social gatherings.
I will give him this: a casual glance of his Twitter feed shows he at least has a sense of humour which I suppose is vital at a club that is rebuilding after six years, is onto coach number four, had Karmichael Hunt win a game off his own boot, retains players about as well as Sam Newman moves with the times, and is about as attractive a destination as Damascus/Mosul/Adelaide.
Trent, good luck with your future long-kicking. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
darklake
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WARNING: Graphic Content.Player 40 - Tory Dickson
Pictured: Tory poses with a... well hopefully, a young fan and not Jake Stringer's new girlfriend
Tory Dickson, heading into season 2017, was statistically the second most accurate kick for goal in VFL/AFL history (of any player who has kicked more than 50 goals). He managed a 50 goal season in 2015, kicked three goals in the 2016 grand final to get to 40 for the season and looked set to again make a strong contribution in the front half for the Bulldogs.
Despite all that, like a gynecologist starting a 12 month secondment in Nimbin, Bulldog fans were in a for a year of disappointment and horror at what unfolded.
After an interrupted pre-season he took a couple of months to make the senior side and made little difference to a season that sunk faster than a Melbourne oBike. He still bobbed up for an opportunistic goal here and there and did manage 11 goals from his 9 games (and only 3 behinds) but he was down in every statistical category (and yes, disposals too) despite mentioning in an interview he spent more time "up the field" this year.
"Up the field" may be a euphemism given his nickname at the Bulldogs is "Tinder King", although Jakey Stringer will probably take that title when the age restrictions get relaxed downwards a little on that particular App. Averaging 7.3 effective disposals per game he was about as effective 'up the ground' as the AFL strategy in South East Queensland. Like South East Queensland, Dicko's story is one beset with bogan elements running all through it.
Winning the Frankston VFL B&F in 2009 he no doubt had a good solid year of immersement in mullets, Holden utes and bridesmaids who no doubt still think fondly of that one night she was smashed on the pink party bus, drinking piccolos of Yellow 'champagne' through a penis straw while screaming at the driver to "play the grease mega mix, or some Abba!!!"
When that became too much he went and played for Noble Park, which is a delightful suburb just left to the burning car chassis' in Melbourne's south east. I dated a Noble Park girl for a solid few hours once. She described her anus as "the back pussy" so a good night was had by all. After winning a premiership there he went and played for the Bendigo Bombers, which was the Essendon VFL team except they didn't dope their players up because there is no drug problem in regional Australia at all. He then found his way to the Bulldogs and won a VFL premiership in 2014 and an AFL premiership in 2016, winning medals that, unlike Jobe or a Chinese swimmer, he doesn't have to eventually hand back.
Tory is also a single dad which we all know means he's a great guy, can drink like a fish, is handsome and well-hung and loved by his friends and creates mildly amusing lists at the end of the football season. At a guess.
Anyway good luck next year Tory, hopefully you spend the off-season with your teammates teaching them how to kick (or, in at least one case, how to kick a habit). Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
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Player 40 - Tory Dickson
Pictured: Tory poses with a... well hopefully, a young fan and not Jake Stringer's new girlfriend
Tory Dickson, heading into season 2017, was statistically the second most accurate kick for goal in VFL/AFL history (of any player who has kicked more than 50 goals). He managed a 50 goal season in 2015, kicked three goals in the 2016 grand final to get to 40 for the season and looked set to again make a strong contribution in the front half for the Bulldogs.
Despite all that, like a gynecologist starting a 12 month secondment in Nimbin, Bulldog fans were in a for a year of disappointment and horror at what unfolded.
After an interrupted pre-season he took a couple of months to make the senior side and made little difference to a season that sunk faster than a Melbourne oBike. He still bobbed up for an opportunistic goal here and there and did manage 11 goals from his 9 games (and only 3 behinds) but he was down in every statistical category (and yes, disposals too) despite mentioning in an interview he spent more time "up the field" this year.
"Up the field" may be a euphemism given his nickname at the Bulldogs is "Tinder King", although Jakey Stringer will probably take that title when the age restrictions get relaxed downwards a little on that particular App. Averaging 7.3 effective disposals per game he was about as effective 'up the ground' as the AFL strategy in South East Queensland. Like South East Queensland, Dicko's story is one beset with bogan elements running all through it.
Winning the Frankston VFL B&F in 2009 he no doubt had a good solid year of immersement in mullets, Holden utes and bridesmaids who no doubt still think fondly of that one night she was smashed on the pink party bus, drinking piccolos of Yellow 'champagne' through a penis straw while screaming at the driver to "play the grease mega mix, or some Abba!!!"
When that became too much he went and played for Noble Park, which is a delightful suburb just left to the burning car chassis' in Melbourne's south east. I dated a Noble Park girl for a solid few hours once. She described her anus as "the back pussy" so a good night was had by all. After winning a premiership there he went and played for the Bendigo Bombers, which was the Essendon VFL team except they didn't dope their players up because there is no drug problem in regional Australia at all. He then found his way to the Bulldogs and won a VFL premiership in 2014 and an AFL premiership in 2016, winning medals that, unlike Jobe or a Chinese swimmer, he doesn't have to eventually hand back.
Tory is also a single dad which we all know means he's a great guy, can drink like a fish, is handsome and well-hung and loved by his friends and creates mildly amusing lists at the end of the football season. At a guess.
Anyway good luck next year Tory, hopefully you spend the off-season with your teammates teaching them how to kick (or, in at least one case, how to kick a habit). Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Mof ploughing the back paddock.
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Liked the 'thumbs up', always a good way to start the ball rolling.Mof ploughing the back paddock.
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