Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 of 2017 - the "finals were better last year" Edition

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JEDi 44 said:
Sorry Mofra can't make it today. He's too busy suspending Essendon supporters who insist on making their thoughts known on the "Jake Stringer - NO ESSENDON SUPPORTERS ALLOWED" thread.
Click to expand...
And he sent you on an errand to make the announcement?
 
JEDi 44 said:
Sorry Mofra can't make it today. He's too busy suspending Essendon supporters who insist on making their thoughts known on the "Jake Stringer - NO ESSENDON SUPPORTERS ALLOWED" thread.
Click to expand...

It'd be in your best interest to make sure no one else can read it.
 

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Player 35 - Jack Watts


Pictured: Getting some head is an often misunderstood term

It may have escaped the Bay's attention, but there is a player in the AFL called Jack Watts.

He's 196cm tall, quick, has sticky hands (I mean on the field you dirty people) and is a beautiful user of the ball. On paper he should be a star.
Problem is, AFL is a contact sport and Jack deals about as well with contact as your average soccer striker.


Above: almost as bad as Clayton Oliver, presumably mentored by Watts

He was taken at pick 1 in the 2008 draft, which hurts even more because every other pick 1 has been a superstar *cough*.
Taken at pick 2 in the same draft was the walking marketing phenomenon NicNat who is the best in the AFL in his position when fully fit. Other stars taken in the top ten that draft include Vickery, Hurley and Yarren making it closer to a police line up than a draft class.
It's also the year for notable hairstyles with some important inspirations:


Julian "Not Convicted" Assange


Side Show Bob


Tom Hanks in Castaway


Side Show Cecil

Jack Watts hasn't exactly set the world on fire since his career began in a gang-tackle at the MCG - he's been handy from time to time but in no way has lived up to the hype. Granted Melbourne's development program has screwed more teenagers in the past few years than a Justin Bieber party held in Seaford but Jack just doesn't play a modern, contested, desperate style of football. Seems like the perfect AFL X player though (unlike many their other early Melbourne picks who have become AFL ex players).

He did play well against Essendon (as a Brighton Grammar Private Schoolboy he obviously has strong morals) and then the rest of the season happened. A 5 kick effort the next week, hamstring issues, then intensity issues. Some of his chases from round 18 onwards would have been better handled (and more entertaining) if performed by Wilde E Coyote. Showing all the intensity of fairy floss he was banished to the VFL for a couple of weeks before earning a recall a farewell game in the last round.

It seems he's on the trade table to either Port or Geelong, which means he'll probably be the first Brighton Grammar product to set foot in that part of the world. Hope he's brushed up on his "youse" and "yeah-nah" in preparation otherwise the locals will have no idea what he's actually saying.

Jack, good luck with your new home. With a solid pre-season I'm sure we'll see you back on your knees in no time.
Votes this time will be counted, welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
 
Mofra said:
Player 35 - Jack Watts


Pictured: Getting some head is an often misunderstood term

It may have escaped the Bay's attention, but there is a player in the AFL called Jack Watts.

He's 196cm tall, quick, has sticky hands (I mean on the field you dirty people) and is a beautiful user of the ball. On paper he should be a star.
Problem is, AFL is a contact sport and Jack deals about as well with contact as your average soccer striker.


Above: almost as bad as Clayton Oliver, presumably mentored by Watts

He was taken at pick 1 in the 2008 draft, which hurts even more because every other pick 1 has been a superstar *cough*.
Taken at pick 2 in the same draft was the walking marketing phenomenon NicNat who is the best in the AFL in his position when fully fit. Other stars taken in the top ten that draft include Vickery, Hurley and Yarren making it closer to a police line up than a draft class.
It's also the year for notable hairstyles with some important inspirations:


Julian "Not Convicted" Assange


Side Show Bob


Tom Hanks in Castaway


Side Show Cecil

Jack Watts hasn't exactly set the world on fire since his career began in a gang-tackle at the MCG - he's been handy from time to time but in no way has lived up to the hype. Granted Melbourne's development program has screwed more teenagers in the past few years than a Justin Bieber party held in Seaford but Jack just doesn't play a modern, contested, desperate style of football. Seems like the perfect AFL X player though (unlike many their other early Melbourne picks who have become AFL ex players).

He did play well against Essendon (as a Brighton Grammar Private Schoolboy he obviously has strong morals) and then the rest of the season happened. A 5 kick effort the next week, hamstring issues, then intensity issues. Some of his chases from round 18 onwards would have been better handled (and more entertaining) if performed by Wilde E Coyote. Showing all the intensity of fairy floss he was banished to the VFL for a couple of weeks before earning a recall a farewell game in the last round.

It seems he's on the trade table to either Port or Geelong, which means he'll probably be the first Brighton Grammar product to set foot in that part of the world. Hope he's brushed up on his "youse" and "yeah-nah" in preparation otherwise the locals will have no idea what he's actually saying.

Jack, good luck with your new home. With a solid pre-season I'm sure we'll see you back on your knees in no time.
Votes this time will be counted, welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Click to expand...

Jack Watts entry needs poll option.
 
Player 34 - Shaun Atley


Pictured: Shaun Atley trains with an unknown player behind him, possibly Boomer Harvey

Shaun Atley was a first round draft pick in 2010 who was drafted as a midfielder.

Since 2010 we've been waiting for him to either transition to the midfield or have a 'breakout' year. North fans have been assuring us it will happen, and they never get anything wrong (the Gav Urquhart being better than Pendlebury prediction is starting to look a little shaky though).

In 2017 he once again looked good during the pre-season and transferred that into H&A season form so vanilla that even his post-game tapes are probably interrupted by the North media team periodically switching over to re-runs of Family Feud.
As a rebounding defender, he isn't a great defender and provides about as much rebound as a waterlogged basketball. On grass.

Averaging less than 14 effective disposals per game and one bounce in a side that has the ball in their defensive half more often than not, Atley is one of those guys that probably has to show his ID at his own club functions. If you Google "Atley" the first results are sale deals on shoes and lamps, and baby names. In a way he does epitomize North Melbourne's player development over the years - first round pick, carving out an inoffensive career where he gets to enjoy some of the trappings of an AFL career yet retain all the anonymity of a Carlton 'bonus' payment.

Apart from being an AFL player, the only thing Atley has otherwise been known for is one camera picking up him spitting in 2016.



Turns out another angle shows him spitting nowhere near a Hawks player, but it was enough to get him mentioned in the newspaper for once. We'll forever reminisce about that brief moment when Shaun was relevant, because I'm guessing at age 25 this is as good as he gets and I can't see a finals appearance on the horizon.

With nothing else to add about Shaun, here he is with some puppies.



Shaun, we'll continue to wait but I have more faith in Cassie Sainsbury breaking out before you do. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
 
Mofra said:
Player 35 - Jack Watts


Pictured: Getting some head is an often misunderstood term

It may have escaped the Bay's attention, but there is a player in the AFL called Jack Watts.

He's 196cm tall, quick, has sticky hands (I mean on the field you dirty people) and is a beautiful user of the ball. On paper he should be a star.
Problem is, AFL is a contact sport and Jack deals about as well with contact as your average soccer striker.


Above: almost as bad as Clayton Oliver, presumably mentored by Watts

He was taken at pick 1 in the 2008 draft, which hurts even more because every other pick 1 has been a superstar *cough*.
Taken at pick 2 in the same draft was the walking marketing phenomenon NicNat who is the best in the AFL in his position when fully fit. Other stars taken in the top ten that draft include Vickery, Hurley and Yarren making it closer to a police line up than a draft class.
It's also the year for notable hairstyles with some important inspirations:


Julian "Not Convicted" Assange


Side Show Bob


Tom Hanks in Castaway


Side Show Cecil

Jack Watts hasn't exactly set the world on fire since his career began in a gang-tackle at the MCG - he's been handy from time to time but in no way has lived up to the hype. Granted Melbourne's development program has screwed more teenagers in the past few years than a Justin Bieber party held in Seaford but Jack just doesn't play a modern, contested, desperate style of football. Seems like the perfect AFL X player though (unlike many their other early Melbourne picks who have become AFL ex players).

He did play well against Essendon (as a Brighton Grammar Private Schoolboy he obviously has strong morals) and then the rest of the season happened. A 5 kick effort the next week, hamstring issues, then intensity issues. Some of his chases from round 18 onwards would have been better handled (and more entertaining) if performed by Wilde E Coyote. Showing all the intensity of fairy floss he was banished to the VFL for a couple of weeks before earning a recall a farewell game in the last round.

It seems he's on the trade table to either Port or Geelong, which means he'll probably be the first Brighton Grammar product to set foot in that part of the world. Hope he's brushed up on his "youse" and "yeah-nah" in preparation otherwise the locals will have no idea what he's actually saying.

Jack, good luck with your new home. With a solid pre-season I'm sure we'll see you back on your knees in no time.
Votes this time will be counted, welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Click to expand...

Lol Poort
 
Lack of Saints so far worries me... have we really become that irrelevant?

Great thread as usual Mof!
 
Mofra said:
Player 34 - Shaun Atley


Pictured: Shaun Atley trains with an unknown player behind him, possibly Boomer Harvey

Shaun Atley was a first round draft pick in 2010 who was drafted as a midfielder.

Since 2010 we've been waiting for him to either transition to the midfield or have a 'breakout' year. North fans have been assuring us it will happen, and they never get anything wrong (the Gav Urquhart being better than Pendlebury prediction is starting to look a little shaky though).

In 2017 he once again looked good during the pre-season and transferred that into H&A season form so vanilla that even his post-game tapes are probably interrupted by the North media team periodically switching over to re-runs of Family Feud.
As a rebounding defender, he isn't a great defender and provides about as much rebound as a waterlogged basketball. On grass.

Averaging less than 14 effective disposals per game and one bounce in a side that has the ball in their defensive half more often than not, Atley is one of those guys that probably has to show his ID at his own club functions. If you Google "Atley" the first results are sale deals on shoes and lamps, and baby names. In a way he does epitomize North Melbourne's player development over the years - first round pick, carving out an inoffensive career where he gets to enjoy some of the trappings of an AFL career yet retain all the anonymity of a Carlton 'bonus' payment.

Apart from being an AFL player, the only thing Atley has otherwise been known for is one camera picking up him spitting in 2016.



Turns out another angle shows him spitting nowhere near a Hawks player, but it was enough to get him mentioned in the newspaper for once. We'll forever reminisce about that brief moment when Shaun was relevant, because I'm guessing at age 25 this is as good as he gets and I can't see a finals appearance on the horizon.

With nothing else to add about Shaun, here he is with some puppies.



Shaun, we'll continue to wait but I have more faith in Cassie Sainsbury breaking out before you do. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Click to expand...
Atley played half-forward for the bulk of the year mof, but the rest is spot on.
 
Player 33 - Tendai Mzungu


Pictured: TAB apparently offer accurate clairvoyant services along with betting odds

Tendai Mzungu is a former Fremantle player who was pick up by GWS as injury cover for their ~25 or so first round draft picks, because they are the Eric Trump of the AFL.


Pictured: As lovable as GWS

He was cut by Freo as Ross Lyon adopted a 'youth' policy for the first time in his AFL career which up to now had him taking over ready made lists and getting them to 2nd place multiple times. He started there after being traded from GCS' pre-listing-list because the AFL like to make up ridiculous rules and consequences are for wimps apparently.

Despite being raging Premiership favourites, so much so that not winning the premiership in 2017 can only be interpreted as a massive choke and a complete an utter embarrassment by the fledgling organisation, Tendai somehow made it into the GWS round one team as a tagger.
Running with the Crows hard-working mids hurt him and he had to wait until round 16 against Hawthorn for another opportunity. Matching up on speedsters like Hodge and Josh Gibson he did kick a goal that day and managed a bunch of tackles, in a game rated as 'reasonable' and the only reasonable game he'd play in the charcoal and orange (which sounds more like a Heston Blumenthal dessert than football team colours, but I digress).
He was dropped to senior emergency after that game anyway, before being granted a late reprieve replacing Jeremy "all talk occasional action" Cameron.

His last game described him as "looked slower than a helicopter over a nudist colony at times" which is improbable if you think about it. If you're low enough to see anything the wind blast from the rotors would disrupt the nudists, and if you high enough to not disturb them you probably wouldn't see much anyway. I think SEN should leave the similes to the professionals *ahem* and stick to something they're good at (which as far as I can tell is not covering trade week with any degree of accuracy or sense).

So I'm not sure why GWS thought mining a bottom four club's cast-offs was a sound list management strategy, but then again with all the high picks they've had GWS have wasted the careers of more promising teenagers than Harvey Wei.. I mean a Hollywood Di.. actually let's just stick with the drug dealer who hung around the Different Strokes set after shooting for that one *whew crisis averted*

Fun fact: I learned a little bit of Swahili before a trip to East Africa in 2012 and one of the first words I learned was in fact "Mzungu" which means "white person". This means Tendai's translated name is "Tendai White-Person" which is kind of like choosing "BigFooty Mod Well Liked Active Social Life Person" as a userna.. whoa narrowly avoided PC disaster there too. Phew.

Fun fact 2: In 2010 he won the "Butcher Medal" which is not an award for failed Port Adelaide forwards but is a WAFL club's B&F.

Anyway good luck in 2018 in whatever you choose to do. Welcome to the Bottom 50 Tendai.
 

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Mofra said:
Player 34 - Shaun Atley


Shaun, we'll continue to wait but I have more faith in Cassie Sainsbury breaking out before you do. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Click to expand...

To be fair, Cassie does have a furry cheque book which she has allegedly used for favour or payment in a previous occupation so it's not a huge statement. That being said, perhaps Shaun herself is in possession of one of those furry cheque books herself. The way she shirks a contest makes Lewis Jetta look like hard man of the 80's.
 
Stringer will be #1
 
Seriously - I haven't had to change my order from pre- to post- trading period.
 
Mofra said:
Player 46 - Shane Mumford


Pictured: Mummy sucks his gut in for his OkCupid profile pic

Shane Mumford is big, if commentators reminding you every 12 seconds isn't enough of a reminder. His bigness is the only thing worthy of mention more often than the apparent flavour of Cyril Rioli according to Bruce McAvaney.

Anyway, Shane Mumford did what Mumford does this year, which is compete ok in the ruck then stand around and watch his trust-fund-of-the-AFL GWS 24+ first rounder teammates get the ball for him. Except his opponents started to work him out this year. Mummy doesn't like running. Like, really doesn't like running. As in, One Nation supporters offering opinions on Yassmin Abdel-Magied level dislike.

In terms of classic movie series' 2017 was the Police Academy 6 of a year for Mummy. Opponents worked out his schtick and ran off him, to the point he was a liability in the second half of the year and it just got worse as games wore on. Beaten by every opponent from the halfway mark of the year, Mummy took a back seat to the likes of Petrie & Vardy in round 22, Zac Smith & Rhys Stanley against Geelong, Sydney's 2016 3rd string ruck (now at Richmond) then Sauce Jacobs utterly destroyed him in a final as he registered donuts (outside of hit-outs) in a half of football. At this rate he'll end up at Carlton next year.

Oh but at least he provides leadership blah blah blah nope.
As is his way, he was suspended for a high bump on Max Gawn, who is kind of like Mumford except better in every aspect of football and quite possibly life. I doubt many of his teammates will be going to him for diet advice either, save for the inevitable phone call from Toby Greene one night in the next few years asking "how to make pruno I'm ah... asking for a friend".

He did have a child this year and (I'm guessing) was surprised to learn that a vasectomy doesn't stop pregnancy, it just changes the colour of the baby. *Slight poetic licence warning*

Later in the finals campaign (all one game of it) Mummy was replaced by something called a Lobb that performed much better in the Giants' annual tradition of losing prelims. It's what they've done for 1/3 of their existence.

Anyway Mummy, enjoy the off-season,. Who am I kidding, he luuurvves off-season. Enjoy a few drinks and welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Click to expand...
Best Bottom 50 post ever.
 
Mofra said:
Player 33 - Tendai Mzungu



Tendai Mzungu is a former Fremantle player who was pick up by GWS as injury cover for their ~25 or so first round draft picks, because they are the Eric Trump of the AFL.
Click to expand...

Y'know, it's a sign of just how badly Mofra has slipped that - in a season when GWS did indeed underperform - he puts a minimum-wage bloke who was brought in to play NEAFL and be injury cover into his Bottom 50.

Mofra in 2017. A soft individual going after the soft targets.
 
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