Vintage Bay Mofra's Bottom 50 of 2017 - the "finals were better last year" Edition
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Plugger35
The umpires are always right!
- Sep 27, 2008
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If Shakespeare was around now he would probably just watch pr0n all day too.
You like the old stuff better than the new stuff?
Beautiful execution just when the melts were lying in wait.
Vince McMahon only wishes his writers could still pull off such a swerve.
A Cut Above
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆 in my lifetime 😁
You make me wonder if there's a XXX version of Hamlet with authentic dialogue. Would give new definition to "the lady doth protest too much, methinks".
darklake
Premium Platinum
To w a n k, or not to w a n k?
That is the question!
JEDi 44
Club Legend
- Oct 16, 2011
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https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Canadian TuxedoLest we forget, double denim
- Oct 16, 2011
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Bugger, you young kids and your hip terms
Chris, Kurt, Ty, come on down!
sonnywalters
Cancelled
bontshow
Brownlow Medallist
Player #4 - Tom Boyd
Pictured: Some stupid defender trying to spoil a mark Tom is perfectly capable of dropping himself
Yeah I know I'm going after a low profile player who never gets mentioned on the Bay, but hear me out.
Tom Boyd is the most unifying force in AFL football. Bulldog fans are glad they have him as, after a decades long wait, he played out of his skin in the 2016 Grand Final. The fans of 17 other clubs rejoice that their list does not contain Tom Boyd.
First, a little history. Since Simon Beasley who is the number 1 goal kicker of the 1980s (yes, look it up) the Bulldogs have been worse at developing (tall forward) kids than Fagin. I mean the Oliver Twist character, not the Lions coach who clearly has a lower profile than a sausage dog's testes.
There was Chris Grant who was more of a swingman anyway, and a list of talls so shameful that even the producer who made this reads that list and probably thinks "I didn't screw up that badly:
Pictured: Still better viewing than a Ross Lyon gameplan
Then of course add a bunch of poor coaching and CEO appointments and viola! You have the Bulldog crisis of October 2014 where the captain walked out, the coach was sacked, the CEO resigned and long suffering Bulldog fans - who have been raised on a diet of failure and disappointment - were left thinking things 'were getting a bit bad'. Enter Tom Boyd.
The negotiations to get Tom Boyd (who like half the GWS list was hating Western Sydney) went something like this:
All it cost to get a 19 year old who had played 9 games and kicked 8 goals was a $6.2m contract over 7 years, trading out the captain to GWS, trading out pick 6 to GWS, paying the last year of Griffen's salary in 2015 (~$750-800k) making him the highest paid Bulldogs player in that contract year and more pressure and expectation of Tom Boyd than on almost any other player in VFL/AFP history.
Shhh. Not now Jack.
Anyway as a "developing tall" he... developed slowly. In 2015 he did 4/5ths of SFA but who cares the Bulldogs, possible spoon material, finally had a developing tall that was more coordinated than a drunk baby giraffe and what the hell, we had a coach who could coach! The Bulldogs made the finals that year which exceeded expectations more than that one time Luke Darcy made a special comment during a broadcast that added to the viewer experience.
I add that, because of AFL rules, Tom Boyd as a second year player was on a set contractual amount. This becomes important in a minute.
He also unleashed the greatest falcon in VFL/AFL history yet not a hair was out of place by the end of that (or any) game:
In 2016 Tom.. bumbled through the year and somehow entered the finals series in the best 22. he then subsequently played out of his skin in the finals, particularly in the prelim where he single-handedly battled Mumford and Lobb in the ruck and then in the Grand Final where he kicked 3 goals 1, took 6 contested marks (8 total), beat Nick Riewoldt's Grand Final totals in a single appearance and should have won the Norm Smith.
So we enter 2017. Tom enters the year as the dominant Grand Final Big-man despite sharing that spotlight with Kurt Tippett and Lance Franklin who are on huuuuuge contracts. It is also (very likely) that Tom is on either his highest or second highest year of huuuuge front-loading. You see, a couple of years ago the Bulldogs had a list of kids, a couple of veterans, and mediocre plodders the likes of which, if they were at GWS, SOS would try and trade for. There was nobody to pay so Tom is on massive dollars now and will be on about a BigFooty mod salary on the last year of his deal.
So Tom Boyd is one oft he highest paid players in the AFL right now, certainly over a million dollars per year. What does a million dollars buy you?
A street legal Batmobile:
View attachment 444597
James Bond's Lotus Submarine car:
Two-tonnes of Foster's and a bottle of rum (thanks Charlie):
Or this for a year:
FFS Tom it's just the warm-up!
Noting that Tom's on more money than superstars like Patrick Dangerfield, Nat Fyfe or Jaeger O'Meara what did he produce this year?
Round 1: Smashed by Collingwood and ended up giving away silly frees. Literally ended the day grabbing Cox.
Round 2: Smashed by the Swans apart from a mark of the year contender that was so surprising BT even screwed up the commentary (seriously)
Round 3: 17 touches against a bottom 4 side in "a massive step forward"
Round 4: One touch, although he only lasted half a quarter until injured
Round 5: One kick in the first half against the wooden spooners
Round 6: Lost the game by missing a late set shot
Round 7: Useless forward, Robert Walls rule meant he did a passable job in half a game of ruck
Round 8: 34 hit-outs against no recognized AFL ruckman. Caleb Daniel would have managed 26 hit-outs
Round 9: His one good game for the year. In the ruck. Against Geelong who have s**t rucks.
Round 10: Beaten by Longer which sums up the dating history of most Bay 13 regulars
Round 13: Four kick
And his year was done. Yes I know he had "personal issues" but his loss on field was not noticed in the slightest as the Bulldogs cleverly masked their shitful first half of year premiership defence by playing equally as shitful in the second half, ensuring consistency of effort.
Basically Tom Boyd was outshone by guys on 1/8th of the salary in the first half of the year, and outshone by everyone who managed a game in the second half of the year. It took a federal plebiscite to ensure there was at least one bigger waste of money in Australia in 2017, and at least that delivered a result.
All in all he averaged 20 hit outs per game ranking him 26th (and he was paid more than the 25 blokes above him) and about half a goal, and here I point out that 90 players in the AFL averaged a goal per game. He's going backwards and he's not halfway through his contract yet although he didn't smash Zaine Cordy with a glass this year so I guess that's something.
Fun fact: If $1 million was time, and $1 = 1 second, 1,000,000 seconds equals 11 days, 13 hours 46 minutes and 40 seconds or roughly long enough for a Bay regular to "quit the bay forever", agonize over the lack of social contact, then come crawling back as if nothing ever happened.
Tom, Boydy, Captain Falcon, Bulldogs fans say thanks for 1 October 2016, everyone else thanks you for every day apart from that. Welcome to the Bottom 50 for 2017.
Excellent. But you forgot the "worth every cent" part. It was a million dollar game he played. Quite literary.
Sure. But it is a $7m contact. Where are the 6 other million dollar games?
The VFL is a million dollar competition is it not...
NTTAWWTMore like the Brokeback Mountain
The original Shakespeare is pretty explicit, it’s just that changes in the language disguises it.
When Hamlet says to a chick called Ophelia “let me lay my head on your lap” the Elizabethans would have understood this as a clear reference to eating fish pie.
When he says “thou shouldst get thee to a nunnery” he’s flat out calling her a dirty **** whore.”
‘The Bard’ wouldn’t be watching pr0n, he’d be making it
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You left out "country matters", and you're completely right about the pr0n. He'd be making those French SBS movies where there's serious intellectual stuff in between shots of two teens savagely banging like there's no tomorrow.The original Shakespeare is pretty explicit, it’s just that changes in the language disguises it.
When Hamlet says to a chick called Ophelia “let me lay my head on your lap” the Elizabethans would have understood this as a clear reference to eating fish pie.
When he says “thou shouldst get thee to a nunnery” he’s flat out calling her a dirty **** whore.”
‘The Bard’ wouldn’t be watching pr0n, he’d be making it
I'm surprised they haven't done Shakespear pr0n, they've done every other type of pr0n. FFS the Japanese did Swan Lake pr0n.
Ron Jeremy is the great underrated Shakespearean actor of our times.
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