Injury My Mental Health

Temploar

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As you guys know, like I have been in the past. I am very honest regarding my mental health.

This is not a sob story. I just need to get things off my chest. And I feel lucky to be alive after the events of the last few weeks.

I haven't been around here much lately because unfortunately my mental health has taken a turn for the worse again. My gambling issues have exasperated to the point where I'm blowing all my money hours after I get it, and I was beginning to hang around with the wrong people.

Over the last year I began to abuse alcohol heavily to get over my anxiety issues. My psychiatrist abandoned me, as in I felt like I wasn't being listened to at all. I would see her for 10 mins and she would just throw random medication at me without telling me the side effects, then I'd look up the medication on my phone on the way home from the psychiatrists office, and I wouldn't take the medication because of the huge side effect profiles that just added to my anxiety.

Recently, my anxiety became debilitating. It has been a struggle for me to get out of bed every day. And I only leave the house once a week to get groceries. Even going to the football is a challenge for me.

This has absolutely killed my brain. The amount of thoughts I experienced. The amount of shit I went through. Every day these demons haunt me. And yet I still felt like nobody was listening to me. I turned to drugs. Marijuana. It was euphoric. But it just made me lazier and lazier. I lost all intention and drive to do anything, even more so. Because getting "stoned" was my priority. I was spending up to $300 a week on weed.

And then it became a sleeping pill addiction. Xanax. Risking my life with every pill just to dull my anxiety. These were pills created by junkies. I didn't know what was in them. Could have been heroin for all I knew. But the relief was all I desired.

All the while, I was treated like a joke by doctors, counsellors, psychiatrists. Is it because I'm a young person? I don't know. Maybe they think im just seeking drugs? I don't know. But I've always done my best to "try" to help myself with these services. I'm fortunate enough to have access to them, else I don't know what I would have happened by now.

My drive. My motivation. My everything. It was all shot. All I thought about was the next time I could get high. A job? I didn't care. A future? I didn't want one.

I found myself constantly hanging around the wrong people, those that bought me down. Those that were never going to help me, except just make me worse. It's so easy to access any drug in the world when you're living in transitional housing. I'm just happy I didn't touch the harder stuff.

It has been a struggle through the last year to find a new psychiatrist. All I want is someone who understands me and will explain things to me.
Time after time, i was told most of them don't bulk bill anymore. And the waiting lists are always huge.

Time after time, I have called lifeline, only to be treated like shit. eHeadspace, suciide hotline. Reaching out for help.

Wanna know the answers I got?
From various experiences.

"Everyone gets depressed now and then, even normal people. You'll get through it. Just don't worry about it"

"Oh you can't sleep? You're thinking about killing yourself? Just try counting sheep haha"

"You want to go to the hospital? Take a taxi"

-all from various people on lifeline throughout the year.

Lifeline is a ******* joke. I genuinely believe they're there to push people into suicide. Not save them. I could go on....

Two weeks ago I was finally able to see a new psychiatrist. She had no compassion at all for me. Her eyes are cold. She's old. She seems like she's sick of all the sob stories people give her. She shouldn't be a psychiatrist.

I pleaded with her. Please help me. I am desperate. I've seen so many "professionals" in the last few years and nobody can help me.

She told me that because I've been depressed for a long time, that I have "persistent depressive disorder" and that I'm going to be like this forever. No medication can help me. She said it was in my genes.
So what? Am I destined to suicide like my dad did? I might as well of just put a gun to my head right then and there then.
She treated me like a joke. At one point giving me a "thumbs up" and explaining to me that I was a survivor, and just to change the "negative" into a "positive" inside my head. Everything will be alright then!
I pleaded and pleaded with her that this was not the case. I'm not able to do that. I needed actual medicinal help. She refused. I was sent home...

The last fortnight was hard for me, her words kept resonating in my mind constantly. Destroying me and exasperating my anxiety tenfold. How dare she say that to me?

I was ready to go die. But I wasn't ready. I don't want to die. I have a life to live. But I felt like I was never going to get help.

So things continued, but....

I believe last Wednesday I had a life changing experience. I bought two large bottles of vodka. Like normal. I was hanging with a "mate", and he introduced me to these 2mg xanax pills that were apparently imported direct from California. Immediately I was curious, I wanted to experience a real one. Not one pressed by a junkie with God knows what in them.

I ****** up, I made a mistake, I admit this. I'm a young person. Young people make mistakes. I bought 10. took one before I left his house.

Came home at 10:30pm Wednesday. Had stopped drinking an hour before I took the pill. I was just going to watch the world cup and fall asleep.
How wrong was I?

I woke up at 10am on FRIDAY. All of Thursday didn't exist for me. But the damage is lasting. I had taken all 10 pills while "unconscious" and drunk a whole litre bottle of vodka while completely unaware. A total blackout.

All of the walls in my apartment have been smashed, and that's the only memory I have of this.... "experience". I remember laying into the walls with every bit of frustration I had against the mental health system. For the first time in my life I felt genuinely violent.
And I had blown all my savings on gambling while unaware. $1000

I'm not sure how close I came to death. 20mg of alprazolam (xanax) and a whole litre bottle of Smirnoff, all taken while I was unaware.... How I did it? I do not know. Could I have died? Probably.

I believe I am still here for a reason. I'm not worried about the walls. I'm a little bit beaten up. But my injuries could have been way worse.

Naturally I freaked out and was sent into a state of shock when I had realised what had happened. I was admitted into St Vincent's hospital on Friday night, and given 5 of 5mg valium, it kept me from freaking out over the weekend. But I've still been curling up in a ball crying at what I've allowed my life to become.

I saw that psychiatrist again yesterday, I let it all out. I explained to her that I thought she treated me like a joke. And I went absolutely hysterical. The CAT team had to be called in because they couldn't ensure my safety. Naturally, I was admitted to St Vincent's again.

.... But they had no beds for me. So I was sent home with more diazepam. And now I sit here writing this on big footy. I have no money. Hardly any food. I look around at These walls and I'm amazed at the damage I did.
But more importantly, I'm so happy to be alive. I cry every time I think that I'm still alive.

I don't know what's going on with the CAT team, they followed up with me today. Still no beds in St Vincent's. They're happy to give me more valium tomorrow though. Still..... This mental health system SUCKS!

ANYWAY.
I am so sorry for writing all this. I just needed to get it off my chest. It's helped me a lot wrtiing this. And I consider big footy my second family.

There will be no more drug use. I'm trying to get off the alcohol. The gambling is an issue that needs to be worked on. I'm always seeing my mental health workers. I'm hoping more and more gets done.

I am ready to be helped. I want to move on with my life. Being like this has sucked and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I don't want to be a burden. But if there's anything that anyone can do to help me, then please let me know. I'm willing to accept anything. I just want to get better.

I have been an idiot, and I don't want to do this anymore.

Thank you bigfooty for your continued support. I wish I could express it more, but I love each and every one of you.

,
Temploar.
 
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mike123

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#2
I think it was brave to write this and I'm glad you're able to get it off your chest.

I don't think my experiences have been as bad as yours but I too have had a bad experience with drugs where I ended up just being glad I was alive afterwards.

I'm sorry I can't offer much advice as I'm not at the most stable part of my life either but I sincerely hope you get through it.
 

TradeDraft

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#4
I think it was brave to write this and I'm glad you're able to get it off your chest.

I don't think my experiences have been as bad as yours but I too have had a bad experience with drugs where I ended up just being glad I was alive afterwards.

I'm sorry I can't offer much advice as I'm not at the most stable part of my life either but I sincerely hope you get through it.
Getting of your Chest can be 1 of the Best Things you can do
 

Temploar

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Thread starter #5
I think it was brave to write this and I'm glad you're able to get it off your chest.

I don't think my experiences have been as bad as yours but I too have had a bad experience with drugs where I ended up just being glad I was alive afterwards.

I'm sorry I can't offer much advice as I'm not at the most stable part of my life either but I sincerely hope you get through it.
Thank you so much Mike. Every response to this fills my heart with warmth.

In this time all I want is kindness and compassion.

What I went through last week.... I still cannot comprehend.

If you ever need someone to talk to. Please don't hesitate to PM me. I am always here for any one of you. I just want to help.

I am so happy I am alive.
Thursday could have ended way worse for me.
 

Temploar

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Thread starter #6
Would not Shock me that Lifeline would not give a F**k about you.

Just see what happens Centerlink as they rather you Die then get Welfare

psychiatrist was more Interested in your Money then you
Psych gets bulk billed from me so that's why she sees me for 10 mins. I can't afford to give her $200 like she wants.

Thank you Dave for always being there for me.
I hope you are well.
 

mike123

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#7
Thank you so much Mike. Every response to this fills my heart with warmth.

In this time all I want is kindness and compassion.

What I went through last week.... I still cannot comprehend.

If you ever need someone to talk to. Please don't hesitate to PM me. I am always here for any one of you. I just want to help.

I am so happy I am alive.
Thursday could have ended way worse for me.
No worries Templar I'm glad you're alive too, I'd miss you around the board.

I think I might take you up on your offer to PM later as well, it means allot to have someone to talk to.
 

Temploar

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Thread starter #8
Bad Horse
CFC2010
Magpie Girl
Morganashlee
TheGreatGrundy

I'm sorry if I missed anyone.


I suppose you all should know about this too.

You have made a lasting impact on my life.

The things you've done to reach out to me. I will never forget. I'm sorry to burden you all again.
 

Temploar

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No worries Templar I'm glad you're alive too, I'd miss you around the board.

I think I might take you up on your offer to PM later as well, it means allot to have someone to talk to.
All I want to do in my life is help people now.

I'm not religious. But I am pretty sure I should have died the other night.

If there is ANYTHING I can ever do for you. Let me know.
 

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jmac70

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Morganashlee

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#14
Maybe this was your rock bottom. I hope it was, everything from here on even though it’s dark and difficult will be better than that.

You’ve got something to live for and you have people though distant and on the internet who care about you.

Keep fighting, we want you to win.
 

CFC2010

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#15
I am glad I got to read another one of your wonderful posts...........even if it sounds horrific what you experienced.

You don't need to go through this alone...........you know I am here for you mate.

Keep writing here if it makes you feel better.

Love you Dillon stay strong.......life is to precious.
 

Temploar

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Thread starter #16
Maybe this was your rock bottom. I hope it was, everything from here on even though it’s dark and difficult will be better than that.

You’ve got something to live for and you have people though distant and on the internet who care about you.

Keep fighting, we want you to win.
I will win. This didn't kill me.
I don't know how.
I still don't know why.

It's only up from here.
This was my rock bottom.

I am a new man now. I promise you all that.
I'm just gonna need some help getting to the point I want to get to. And that's ok too.
 

Temploar

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Thread starter #17
I am glad I got to read another one of your wonderful posts...........even if it sounds horrific what you experienced.

You don't need to go through this alone...........you know I am here for you mate.

Keep writing here if it makes you feel better.

Love you Dillon stay strong.......life is to precious.
Thank you so much. You have done so much for me Jim. When I grow up a bit and mature I'd love to catch up with you for a beer and talk about the eventual Collingwood premierships we will win.

Don't think that I don't appreciate everything you've done for me.

You are a rare breed.
 

CFC2010

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#18
Thank you so much. You have done so much for me Jim. When I grow up a bit and mature I'd love to catch up with you for a beer and talk about the eventual Collingwood premierships we will win.

Don't think that I don't appreciate everything you've done for me.

You are a rare breed.
Let's make it a Vodka and you got a deal hahaha.......love talking Collingwood Premierships. :)
 

WalterBlaknWhte

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#23
Temploar, tough place, well done for hanging in there mate :)

Staying in the game gives you the opportunity to watch footy, help people, fall in love, pat dogs, have sun in your face, laugh, debate mad topics on Bigfooty, stay up too late, eat tasty food, feel sand between your toes...

Keep nudging your psychiatrist to help you

Medicine may be exactly what you need


Please forgive my unsolicited advice...

Good evidence for the following:
* Write down 5+ acts of kindness you have performed for other people in your life (don't be humble!)
* Write down 5+ things you can do well - writing is one, and from memory, you have decent computing skills... (don't be humble!)
* Write down every day 2 things you are grateful for (can be simple, 'it was sunny', or profound, 'I am alive')
* Exercise every day: even if it is walking 200m to start with or doing 3 squats in your room (keep a diary, build on it)
* Smile: the muscles fire neural pathways that can make you feel better even if you are smiling at nothing
* Look on the Internet at pictures of animals with big eyes (hacks feel good chemical oxytocin)
* Imagine hugging someone you love for 20 seconds or more (again hacks oxytocin)
* Breathe slowly and deeply for a minute
* Permit yourself to enjoy things now, don't fall into the trap of thinking life begins 'when' (when I have a job, girlfriend, car etc etc)

Your life has been tough - your Mum could have been more loving and it is so horrible what happened to your Dad.

You are witty and clever. Small positive actions every day will help your life. You have control over these small positive actions. Cyberhugs xoxoxo
 
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