Injury My Mental Health

Remove this Banner Ad

Thanks guys
 

Log in to remove this ad.

Quicky said:
How are you going with it Dave?
Click to expand...

I am a Bit Down but Going out with NDIS(Carer) have helped me a lot as it's better then just staying home all day
 
TradeDraft said:
How the Collingwood been playing would not be helping you Temploar
Click to expand...

HI mate not doing to well to tell the truth I'm a shadow of my old self due to mulitple reasons and I don't want to be judged so I don't post them anymore

I try to learn from my mistakes every day and every day things also get more difficult
But don't want to mention my problems anymore. You guys have heard enough of them and I also don't really have the energy anymore.

I hope people don't think I'm rude.

I love you all.
I have matured a lot over the last year. I'm probably in a worse situation than I was last year but my willpower has gotten stronger. I don't think what I'm going through now can break me.

Yeah the sport doesn't help. Collingwood not doing too well mate. But we will win tomorrow night.
 
TradeDraft said:
I am a Bit Down but Going out with NDIS(Carer) have helped me a lot as it's better then just staying home all day
Click to expand...

It's good to get out. I'm glad to hear your carer is being a help for you. With the footy, it's hard in the moment to remember it's just one week in a long season. It's a marathon and this team is good enough to turn it around. It sometimes helps me keep it in perspective.
 
Quicky said:
It's good to get out. I'm glad to hear your carer is being a help for you. With the footy, it's hard in the moment to remember it's just one week in a long season. It's a marathon and this team is good enough to turn it around. It sometimes helps me keep it in perspective.
Click to expand...

Sure is on Gameday and straight after a Loss that the season is not over yet and take it one week at a Time.

Carer been a Huge Help both Mentally and Physically
 
Temploar said:
As you guys know, like I have been in the past. I am very honest regarding my mental health.

This is not a sob story. I just need to get things off my chest. And I feel lucky to be alive after the events of the last few weeks.

I haven't been around here much lately because unfortunately my mental health has taken a turn for the worse again. My gambling issues have exasperated to the point where I'm blowing all my money hours after I get it, and I was beginning to hang around with the wrong people.

Over the last year I began to abuse alcohol heavily to get over my anxiety issues. My psychiatrist abandoned me, as in I felt like I wasn't being listened to at all. I would see her for 10 mins and she would just throw random medication at me without telling me the side effects, then I'd look up the medication on my phone on the way home from the psychiatrists office, and I wouldn't take the medication because of the huge side effect profiles that just added to my anxiety.

Recently, my anxiety became debilitating. It has been a struggle for me to get out of bed every day. And I only leave the house once a week to get groceries. Even going to the football is a challenge for me.

This has absolutely killed my brain. The amount of thoughts I experienced. The amount of s**t I went through. Every day these demons haunt me. And yet I still felt like nobody was listening to me. I turned to drugs. Marijuana. It was euphoric. But it just made me lazier and lazier. I lost all intention and drive to do anything, even more so. Because getting "stoned" was my priority. I was spending up to $300 a week on weed.

And then it became a sleeping pill addiction. Xanax. Risking my life with every pill just to dull my anxiety. These were pills created by junkies. I didn't know what was in them. Could have been heroin for all I knew. But the relief was all I desired.

All the while, I was treated like a joke by doctors, counsellors, psychiatrists. Is it because I'm a young person? I don't know. Maybe they think im just seeking drugs? I don't know. But I've always done my best to "try" to help myself with these services. I'm fortunate enough to have access to them, else I don't know what I would have happened by now.

My drive. My motivation. My everything. It was all shot. All I thought about was the next time I could get high. A job? I didn't care. A future? I didn't want one.

I found myself constantly hanging around the wrong people, those that bought me down. Those that were never going to help me, except just make me worse. It's so easy to access any drug in the world when you're living in transitional housing. I'm just happy I didn't touch the harder stuff.

It has been a struggle through the last year to find a new psychiatrist. All I want is someone who understands me and will explain things to me.
Time after time, i was told most of them don't bulk bill anymore. And the waiting lists are always huge.

Time after time, I have called lifeline, only to be treated like s**t. eHeadspace, suciide hotline. Reaching out for help.

Wanna know the answers I got?
From various experiences.

"Everyone gets depressed now and then, even normal people. You'll get through it. Just don't worry about it"

"Oh you can't sleep? You're thinking about killing yourself? Just try counting sheep haha"

"You want to go to the hospital? Take a taxi"

-all from various people on lifeline throughout the year.

Lifeline is a ******* joke. I genuinely believe they're there to push people into suicide. Not save them. I could go on....

Two weeks ago I was finally able to see a new psychiatrist. She had no compassion at all for me. Her eyes are cold. She's old. She seems like she's sick of all the sob stories people give her. She shouldn't be a psychiatrist.

I pleaded with her. Please help me. I am desperate. I've seen so many "professionals" in the last few years and nobody can help me.

She told me that because I've been depressed for a long time, that I have "persistent depressive disorder" and that I'm going to be like this forever. No medication can help me. She said it was in my genes.
So what? Am I destined to suicide like my dad did? I might as well of just put a gun to my head right then and there then.
She treated me like a joke. At one point giving me a "thumbs up" and explaining to me that I was a survivor, and just to change the "negative" into a "positive" inside my head. Everything will be alright then!
I pleaded and pleaded with her that this was not the case. I'm not able to do that. I needed actual medicinal help. She refused. I was sent home...

The last fortnight was hard for me, her words kept resonating in my mind constantly. Destroying me and exasperating my anxiety tenfold. How dare she say that to me?

I was ready to go die. But I wasn't ready. I don't want to die. I have a life to live. But I felt like I was never going to get help.

So things continued, but....

I believe last Wednesday I had a life changing experience. I bought two large bottles of vodka. Like normal. I was hanging with a "mate", and he introduced me to these 2mg xanax pills that were apparently imported direct from California. Immediately I was curious, I wanted to experience a real one. Not one pressed by a junkie with God knows what in them.

I f’ed up, I made a mistake, I admit this. I'm a young person. Young people make mistakes. I bought 10. took one before I left his house.

Came home at 10:30pm Wednesday. Had stopped drinking an hour before I took the pill. I was just going to watch the world cup and fall asleep.
How wrong was I?

I woke up at 10am on FRIDAY. All of Thursday didn't exist for me. But the damage is lasting. I had taken all 10 pills while "unconscious" and drunk a whole litre bottle of vodka while completely unaware. A total blackout.

All of the walls in my apartment have been smashed, and that's the only memory I have of this.... "experience". I remember laying into the walls with every bit of frustration I had against the mental health system. For the first time in my life I felt genuinely violent.
And I had blown all my savings on gambling while unaware. $1000

I'm not sure how close I came to death. 20mg of alprazolam (xanax) and a whole litre bottle of Smirnoff, all taken while I was unaware.... How I did it? I do not know. Could I have died? Probably.

I believe I am still here for a reason. I'm not worried about the walls. I'm a little bit beaten up. But my injuries could have been way worse.

Naturally I freaked out and was sent into a state of shock when I had realised what had happened. I was admitted into St Vincent's hospital on Friday night, and given 5 of 5mg valium, it kept me from freaking out over the weekend. But I've still been curling up in a ball crying at what I've allowed my life to become.

I saw that psychiatrist again yesterday, I let it all out. I explained to her that I thought she treated me like a joke. And I went absolutely hysterical. The CAT team had to be called in because they couldn't ensure my safety. Naturally, I was admitted to St Vincent's again.

.... But they had no beds for me. So I was sent home with more diazepam. And now I sit here writing this on big footy. I have no money. Hardly any food. I look around at These walls and I'm amazed at the damage I did.
But more importantly, I'm so happy to be alive. I cry every time I think that I'm still alive.

I don't know what's going on with the CAT team, they followed up with me today. Still no beds in St Vincent's. They're happy to give me more valium tomorrow though. Still..... This mental health system SUCKS!

ANYWAY.
I am so sorry for writing all this. I just needed to get it off my chest. It's helped me a lot wrtiing this. And I consider big footy my second family.

There will be no more drug use. I'm trying to get off the alcohol. The gambling is an issue that needs to be worked on. I'm always seeing my mental health workers. I'm hoping more and more gets done.

I am ready to be helped. I want to move on with my life. Being like this has sucked and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I don't want to be a burden. But if there's anything that anyone can do to help me, then please let me know. I'm willing to accept anything. I just want to get better.

I have been an idiot, and I don't want to do this anymore.

Thank you bigfooty for your continued support. I wish I could express it more, but I love each and every one of you.

,
Temploar.
Click to expand...

Temploar You are not an idiot OK get that thought away right now.
I have never met you but you seem very bright and articulate and smart.
Highly Doubt your an Idiot nor a burden.
 

(Log in to remove this ad.)

Cheers guys
Everything is OK.

Go the pies! What a win!!! 😊
 
Kappa said:
Do you do much exercise? Great cheap way to positively impact your mental health with no side effects
Click to expand...

I lift weights at home. Im more active than I was in the past, but I don't specifically go for walks or anything. I used to be 115kg at my worst point in 2015. Then down to 94 once I got off my antidepressant meds in late 2017. Now I'm off all forms of medication since September 2018. Along with increased activity, and eating less. (for better or worse), and reduced alcohol intake, Im now 82kg and feeling happy about where my weight is. Still I would like a more toned body but if I want that then there are no obstacles holding me back, I just need to want it badly enough.

I am not unaware of the health benefits from once being 115kg to go down to 82. I'm sure that's been a significant load taken off my body. I hope now in the future that weight related issues won't be a problem. 😊 It really makes me feel better about myself, and women take notice of that. I can sense it more and more, nobody would bat an eye at me when I was fat, while I have never been called ugly in my life, people now state that I'm attractive and the increased praise goes a long way. Still it feels a bit superficial that is as human beings judge people based on their weight so much. It's in our DNA I suppose.

I'm feeling really good about all that. And I've used the challenges I faced while on the medication as well as the coping strategies given to me by others, along with just natural age and maturity to learn how to cope and learn what works for me.

I am not perfect. Far from it and never will.
It takes a lot of energy to keep things for me in order and that's just because I'm different. I accept it'll probably be like this for the rest of my life but I'm just trying to make the best of what I can do.

Some days I wake up with absolutely no energy at all. There's a mental block there occasionally. And then I have my good days.

Hopefully I can keep fighting through all the challenges.
Life is a journey isn't it?

Employment agency on Monday. 😊

How are you all going? I'm sorry I don't get back to you all as fast as I should. These last few years really took a lot out of me, but I hope you can understand I appreciate you all.

Cheers for tbe continued support
And don't worry about the pies.
We just have to make finals then anything can happen.
 
I feel my life gripping out of control again

The truth is, It has been slowly going this way for quite a while now
I've just been putting on a brave face

There's so much that I want to say, so much that I want to tell you all. But I fear being judged.
Also the sheer amount that I want to get off my mind is impossible since I don't have a computer anymore, writing with a phone just isn't the same.

I've used up my energy putting on a facade, and it feels like the mask is slowly slipping away.

I feel like I'm going back to that dark place again.

I have nothing of value, all my old friends have left me. And it's mostly my fault.

If you ask me, I do not deserve any help.

I wish I would just die
 
Temploar said:
I feel my life gripping out of control again

The truth is, It has been slowly going this way for quite a while now
I've just been putting on a brave face

There's so much that I want to say, so much that I want to tell you all. But I fear being judged.
Also the sheer amount that I want to get off my mind is impossible since I don't have a computer anymore, writing with a phone just isn't the same.

I've used up my energy putting on a facade, and it feels like the mask is slowly slipping away.

I feel like I'm going back to that dark place again.

I have nothing of value, all my old friends have left me. And it's mostly my fault.

If you ask me, I do not deserve any help.

I wish I would just die
Click to expand...
If it is your fault then try to correct it. Try to get your old friends back. Eat humble pie and tell them you are sorry you did whatever you did to drive them away. I gather you still don't have a job and therefore have lots of time on your hands to get up to mischief. I am not being critical - just honest. Not working leaves you with too much time each day to phill inn.

You thought you had found something worthwhile to replace your old vices, whims and fancies but eroded the gains by slipping back into old habits. You need to try again. You are far too young to die. I understand all too well how you can slip back then feel undeserving of help. A true friend will stick by you and understand that you will mistakes and there will be setbacks.

Doesn't help much when your footy team is like a slowly rotting carcass which will be reduced to bare bones by the end of September. Or that winter is cold, damp and dull and not kind to those whose internal problems could use a bit of warm sunlight and hope. Hang in there and make some adjustments. See what good can be salvaged to facilitate a new beginning. Keep posting. Tell us what's happening. Then you can sift through the advice you get and maybe find something that helps spark a revival. :):):rainbow:
 
No point in wasting my energy typing out my problems

I'm just so over it
 
Not even the footy is making me happy Rn and considering we are smashing them, then that makes me pretty worried about where I'm at right now lol.
 
Temploar said:
Not even the footy is making me happy Rn and considering we are smashing them, then that makes me pretty worried about where I'm at right now lol.
Click to expand...
Hey temp are you ok, don’t give in, you are stronger than most of us.
To have gone through what you already have, put yourself out there for all to see, takes a strong person.
You are stronger than l, don’t give up mate, your one of the best
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

coldpieswarmbeer
Responses needed for my 4th year psych project
Replies
0
Views
1K
coldpieswarmbeer
coldpieswarmbeer

Remove this Banner Ad

Back
Top