Official Jokes thread - for those who like to laugh!!

[greg62]

This old couple go to the doctor. The old lady says "He's not feeling too well doc"

"We'll need a blood, wee, faeces and sperm sample" says the doc.

The old fella is a bit hard on the hearing and says "Waddit he say luv, waddit he say?"

She replies "Its alright darling, just give him your undies!"

 

[you_idiot]

Courtesy relay, via e-mail from my brother back home...

Subject: FW: Qantas gripe sheet

(This one has been thru the pipeline previously, but in case you missed it, it's good for a chuckle.)


After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[ScouseCat]

Help Wanted:

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said," I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

 

[Tangodown]

What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. !!

 

[Tangodown]

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving !!

 

[Booze Hound]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are talking about pubs.

The Scotsman says "There's this pub in Glasgow where the owner is so generous that if you buy five drinks he'll give you the 6th for free!"

"That's nothing" says the Englishman "at my local if you buy two drinks you get the 3rd for free."

"Ahhh" says Paddy "there's a pub in Dublin where as soon as you walk through the door someone will buy you a drink. Every time your glass is empty you'll be given a free one. As soon as you had enough to drink you can go upstairs and have all the sex you want for free."

"Wow" says the Englishman "that sounds like a great pub. Where exactly is it in Dublin?"

"I'm not sure" says Paddy "my sister told me about it."


------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a dentist's surgery.

"Hello" says the dentist "can I help you?"

The man says "I keep thinking I'm a moth."

"I'm a dentist, I think you want a psychiatrist."

"I know that." says the man.

"So why did you come in here?" Asks the dentist.

"Your light was on!"

 

[thewhippersnapper]

Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued!

Yo mama's so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!

Yo mama's so fat she's got her own area code!

Yo mama's so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!

Yo mama's so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!

Yo mama's so fat she uses entire trees to pick her teeth!

Yo mama's so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles!

Yo mama's so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl!

Yo mama's so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"!

Yo mama's so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!

Yo mama's so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!

Yo mama's so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Car!

Yo mama's so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama's so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!

Yo mama's so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!

Yo mama's so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!

Yo mama's so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!

Yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family!

Yo mama's so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Yo mama's so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!

Yo mama's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!

Yo mama's so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.

Yo mama's so fat sets off car alarms when she runs!

Yo mama's so fat she cant reach her back pocket!

 

[Pedro]

A woman is standing in front of the mirror and says to her husband. "I'm fat and I'm ugly. Please, a compliment would be nice". The husband replies, "Well dear, your eyesight's perfect"

 

[KiNgCliVe26]

Yo mama so dirty that the government use her bath water for chemical weapons.

Yo mama's so fat that she plays pool with the planets

 

[Spiderman]

Check these out,

http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/erowler0/_fghanmissilelauncher1.jpg
http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/erowler0/inaperfectworld.gif
http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/erowler0/craphauler.JPG

s

 

[KiNgCliVe26]

Q: When is it bed time at Michael Jacksons house?
A: When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q: What's small brown and warm and found in the back of little boys underwear?
A: Michael Jacksons Hand!

 

[Bomber Spirit]

As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. You'll probably never see me on the weekends."
His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker."
"No problem" replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting them straight in no time."

 

[ScouseCat]

Pirate Jokes

With today being International Speak Like A Pirate Day, I thought I'd post these pirate jokes which were emailed to me.



Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated AARRRRGGH!

What's a pirate's favorite mode of transportation?
A CAARRRRGGH!

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
Arrrr

What's a pirate's favorite kind of socks?
Arrrrgyle

What is a pirates favorite study subject?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt.

What's a pirate's second-choice job?
An arrrrrrchitect!

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?" And the pirate says... Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!

A little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?" the kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my buckin' head!"

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer

What's a pirate's favorite kind of cookie?
Ships ahoy

What do you call a pirate that skips class?
Captain hooky

Why does a pirate's phone go beep beep beep beep beep?
Because he left it off the hook

What does a pirate say when he takes over Santa's job?
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

What does a vegan pirate do in jail?
Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve

What has 8 arms and 8 legs?
8 Pirates

 

[KiNgCliVe26]

GOD BLESS AUSTRALIA I SAY

In Vietnam things not O.K.
Think to self ...must get away,
So jump on boat and come to AUSSIE,
Ah, so! I say what lovely possie,

Go quick smart to welfare fella
He hand me money I give bank teller,
Welfare say come here no more,
We send you cheque right to your door
Six months on dole, no longer poor,
Drive around in commodore

Write to friends in Vietnam,
Tell them COme here quick as can,
Still on welfare (but work on job)
So get loan from finance mob,
Get pretty smart, know what to do
Buy big house in Waterloo.

Freinds write and tell me on the way,
Can I find them place to stay?
When they arrive, with beds I fix,
In Just four rooms, get 26,

Soon am banking plenty rent,
Five in backyard live in tent,
All are drawing social money
Must think Howard Bloody Bunny

With all my friends living here,
Next door neighbour start to swear,
Tell me he must move away,
I buy his house with cash I pay,

Now everything is going good,
Soon I own all neighbourhood,
Open fish shop next to Coles
Make big profit from spring rolls

Get real fat from eating nice,
Sure as hell beats bloody rice.
Still on welfare, Still gets rents
I think I buy Mercedez Benz.

Very Happy... Real good life,
Bring out gril and make her wife.
Take up hobby, call it breeding,
Baby bonus pay for feeding.

Kids need dentis- wife need pills
We get for free We get no bills
White man good, he pay all year,
To keep the welfare running here.

WE THANK AUSTRALIA
DAMN GOOD PLACE
TOO DAMN GOOD FOR AUSSIE RACE
SO IF YOU NO LIKE YELLOW MAN
PLENTY ROOM IN VIETNAM

 

[carlyp]

Originally posted by KiNgCliVe26
GOD BLESS AUSTRALIA I SAY

In Vietnam things not O.K.
Think to self ...must get away,
So jump on boat and come to AUSSIE,
Ah, so! I say what lovely possie,

Go quick smart to welfare fella
He hand me money I give bank teller,
Welfare say come here no more,
We send you cheque right to your door
Six months on dole, no longer poor,
Drive around in commodore

Write to friends in Vietnam,
Tell them COme here quick as can,
Still on welfare (but work on job)
So get loan from finance mob,
Get pretty smart, know what to do
Buy big house in Waterloo.

Freinds write and tell me on the way,
Can I find them place to stay?
When they arrive, with beds I fix,
In Just four rooms, get 26,

Soon am banking plenty rent,
Five in backyard live in tent,
All are drawing social money
Must think Howard Bloody Bunny

With all my friends living here,
Next door neighbour start to swear,
Tell me he must move away,
I buy his house with cash I pay,

Now everything is going good,
Soon I own all neighbourhood,
Open fish shop next to Coles
Make big profit from spring rolls

Get real fat from eating nice,
Sure as hell beats bloody rice.
Still on welfare, Still gets rents
I think I buy Mercedez Benz.

Very Happy... Real good life,
Bring out gril and make her wife.
Take up hobby, call it breeding,
Baby bonus pay for feeding.

Kids need dentis- wife need pills
We get for free We get no bills
White man good, he pay all year,
To keep the welfare running here.

WE THANK AUSTRALIA
DAMN GOOD PLACE
TOO DAMN GOOD FOR AUSSIE RACE
SO IF YOU NO LIKE YELLOW MAN
PLENTY ROOM IN VIETNAM

LOL, Funny but Ive seen it so many times

 

[skilts]

Q. Why are women so enamoured of Jesus?

A. Because he was hung so well.

 

[KiNgCliVe26]

Port Power

 

[dougthelegend]

What every man wants......

The She-mote Control

 

[KiNgCliVe26]

Doug thats pure gold

 

[myee8]

Originally posted by dougthelegend
What every man wants......

The She-mote Control

Not bad, but where is the button for sex?

 

[Bomber Spirit]

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Colloseum. "Friends,Romans Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious." The crowd are up on their feet.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
In the background, Brutus turns to his mate and says "Caesar doesn't half talk some s***e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Colloseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls". The crowd is up on their feet again.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bulls**t. I'm off to France to check this out." So Brutus sets off for France. Three weeks later he comes back to Rome,just as Caesar is addressing the public in the Colloseum again. Caesar is giving his usual patter to the assembled throng,
"Friends,Romans Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out!" The crowd is up on their feet.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are exposed as a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!"
The crowd is stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colloseum then across at Brutus and says......................
"Brutus, you are forgetting one thing............. Away Gauls count double in Europe."

 

[richobob]

Old Lady

An old lady dies and goes to heaven:
>She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she
>hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
>"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone having the
>holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
>The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
>conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
>"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"
>"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled
>to fit the halo."
>"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off, down to hell."
>''You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and sodomized."
>"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

 

[you_idiot]

Bungee in Mexico

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have them there".

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, elastic cord, insurance etc.... They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they were constructing the tower they could see a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch Al and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him.

Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up; he has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily Joe finally catches Al and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the cord was fine, it was the crowd.

"What the hell is a Piñata?"

 

[Damp Squarie]

I dont get it

 

[sebastien]

I have a few jokes that I would like to share

Internal Revenue Service
State Processing Center
Holtsville, NY 01150-0115

Dear Taxmen/women:

Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax guide.

In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50
for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it
to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 each 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
Joe Taxpayer