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crowmyzone

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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'!!

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FFS woman don't you ever let up?"o_O
 

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Run n Spread

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3 bulls are chewing the fat in the yard. The topic of conversation is the farmer has decided to introduce a new bull into the paddock.

Bull 1 "Well I'm not giving any of my cows up. I was here first."
Bull 2 "My cows all chose me. And we're full up as it is."
Bull 3 (The runt of the litter) "I have half as many cows as you. So no way."

All of a sudden there is a sudden shuddering of the ground and the most violent shaking of the ground they have ever heard. Rather than an Earthquake face to face is the biggest, meanest Angus Bull they have ever seen. 3 times bigger than any bull they have seen.

Bull 1" I have too many as it is. I suppose I could give some up"
Bull 2" I'm getting a bit older. wouldn't hurt too slow down. He can have half mine."
Bull 3. Says nothing. Glares the Angus down. Snorts, sniffs and rubs the ground aggressively. Strides a few paces and eyeballs the great Angus.

The others immediately rush to his side.
1 +2 "Look at the size of him are you insane?"
Bull 3 "Just making sure he realises I'm a bull that's all."
 

crowmyzone

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An elderly couple were enjoying dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we'll have been married 50 years, and there's something I’ve always wondered about. In all these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me..?”

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I can’t deny it. I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you. There have been just three occasions during these past 50 years, but they were always for a good reason..."

Feeling very hurt by this, Henry said, "What..! I had no idea... How could you..! How can you say you had good reasons..?" :mad:

Martha said, "Well, the first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our first little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. So I went to see the bank manager and the next day, you'll remember, he told you that the mortgage would be extended..?”

Henry recalled that near-crisis and said, "I guess I must forgive you for that, as it saved our home, but what was the second time..?":huh:

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were very ill, but we couldn’t afford to pay for the heart surgery..? Well, I went to see the hospital surgeon and, if you recall, he did the operation free of charge..."

"I do recall that,’’ said Henry, "and it saved my life, so I must forgive you for that... But then there was a third time..??":oops:

"Ye-e-e-s...’’ said Martha, looking away. "It was when you ran for captain of your golf club... ...and you needed 53 more votes..?”
 

jumboprince

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Friend of mine went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Halfway through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand..."
The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished
his turban..!"

I reckon I read that joke 6 times thinking that it didn't make sense til I went " shit, there is a spoiler button, there's more to the joke"
 

jumboprince

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The wife has become very insecure in her middle age. "I'm so jealous of you" she said. "You're still good looking and full of confidence".

"Don't be silly" I replied. "It should be me who is jealous of you". "Really?" she asked, as her face lit up. "Of course" I said. "You get to be married to me.

I'm stuck with a fat arsed, miserable bitch".
 

Socrates2

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A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’

Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’

Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.'”
 

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Socrates2

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A doctor is walking through the hospital with a thermometer over his ear.

A nurse remarks, “Doctor, why do you have a thermometer over your ear?”


The doctor pulls the thermometer from his ear, looks at it, and says, “Some asshole has my pen!”
 
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