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3 bulls are chewing the fat in the yard. The topic of conversation is the farmer has decided to introduce a new bull into the paddock.

Bull 1 "Well I'm not giving any of my cows up. I was here first."
Bull 2 "My cows all chose me. And we're full up as it is."
Bull 3 (The runt of the litter) "I have half as many cows as you. So no way."

All of a sudden there is a sudden shuddering of the ground and the most violent shaking of the ground they have ever heard. Rather than an Earthquake face to face is the biggest, meanest Angus Bull they have ever seen. 3 times bigger than any bull they have seen.

Bull 1" I have too many as it is. I suppose I could give some up"
Bull 2" I'm getting a bit older. wouldn't hurt too slow down. He can have half mine."
Bull 3. Says nothing. Glares the Angus down. Snorts, sniffs and rubs the ground aggressively. Strides a few paces and eyeballs the great Angus.

The others immediately rush to his side.
1 +2 "Look at the size of him are you insane?"
Bull 3 "Just making sure he realises I'm a bull that's all."
 

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An elderly couple were enjoying dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we'll have been married 50 years, and there's something I’ve always wondered about. In all these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me..?”

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I can’t deny it. I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you. There have been just three occasions during these past 50 years, but they were always for a good reason..."

Feeling very hurt by this, Henry said, "What..! I had no idea... How could you..! How can you say you had good reasons..?" :mad:

Martha said, "Well, the first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our first little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. So I went to see the bank manager and the next day, you'll remember, he told you that the mortgage would be extended..?”

Henry recalled that near-crisis and said, "I guess I must forgive you for that, as it saved our home, but what was the second time..?":huh:

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were very ill, but we couldn’t afford to pay for the heart surgery..? Well, I went to see the hospital surgeon and, if you recall, he did the operation free of charge..."

"I do recall that,’’ said Henry, "and it saved my life, so I must forgive you for that... But then there was a third time..??":oops:

"Ye-e-e-s...’’ said Martha, looking away. "It was when you ran for captain of your golf club... ...and you needed 53 more votes..?”
 
crowmyzone said:
Friend of mine went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Halfway through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand..."
The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished
his turban..!"
Click to expand...


I reckon I read that joke 6 times thinking that it didn't make sense til I went " s**t, there is a spoiler button, there's more to the joke"
 
The wife has become very insecure in her middle age. "I'm so jealous of you" she said. "You're still good looking and full of confidence".

"Don't be silly" I replied. "It should be me who is jealous of you". "Really?" she asked, as her face lit up. "Of course" I said. "You get to be married to me.

I'm stuck with a fat arsed, miserable bitch".
 
A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
“The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’

Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’

Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.'”
 
A doctor is walking through the hospital with a thermometer over his ear.

A nurse remarks, “Doctor, why do you have a thermometer over your ear?”


The doctor pulls the thermometer from his ear, looks at it, and says, “Some arsehole has my pen!”
 
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.
 
A good joke from the bigbash cricket, Jake Lehmann bowling, commentary from cricinfo

Over 9.3
7nb
Lehmann to Wade, (no ball) SIX runs, now a massive full toss! Sorry, that's just rubbish. Called no-ball as well. Chest-high delivery and it's pulled over deep backward square
 

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Valentino Dmitri said:
WHY did Ronald McDonald have sex with his sister?

His judgment was impaired from all those years of eating junk food.



WHY did the farmer start a punk rock band?

Because he was tired of Haulin' Oats




WHY did Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper all retire from the music scene at the same time on February 3rd, 1959?

Their vocal chords were damaged in an accident.


Hambuger jokes
Click to expand...
These are top notch
 
The chances of you dying on the way to get a lottery ticket is greater than you actually winning it
 
Back when Little Johnny was just a wee slip of a lad, he walked in on his mother one day while she was relaxing in a warm bath. Pointing to her hairy nether regions Little Johnny asked - "What's that you've got there mummy?"

"Oh, that's just my flannel Johnny" came his mother's quick reply "now why don't you go play outside and let mummy enjoy her bath."

Little Johnny readily complied with his mother's request but not even ten minutes had passed before he raced back into the bathroom shouting "Mummy, mummy, mummy. The lady next door has stolen your flannel and she's using it to wash daddy's face."
 
An elderly couple, both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered...
'Is that one word or two?'
 
A shelia got a tattoo of John Lennon on one inner thigh and a tattoo of Bon Jovi on the other inner thigh.
She picked up a guy and they made sweet, sweet love.
While he was down between her legs she asked "Hey, what do you think of my Tattoos?"
He replied "Really sorry, I just can't seem to identify them, however the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"
 
There were two blue whales, Mr Blue Whale and Mrs Blue Whale, swimming in the ocean one day, minding their own business, when off in the distance they spotted a Japanese whaling ship.

They were just about to get out of there when Mr Blue Whale takes a second look at the ship. He turns to his wife and says “wait a minute, that’s the ship that killed my Dad”.

Getting quite angry, he continues “how about we get these bastards? Let’s take a big breath, dive down real deep where their harpoons can’t reach us, get right underneath the ship and then blow the air out through our blowholes so we capsize the ship. Fix ‘em right up.”

Mrs Blue Whale says “sure I’m up for that”, so they go for it. Works like a charm. Ship is capsized, whalers are in the water a million miles from anywhere - they’re stuffed.

But Mr Blue Whale still isn’t happy. “What if another ship comes along and picks them up? We’ve got to finish the job. How about we go around and swallow them all up so they can’t be saved?”

But Mrs Blue Whale cracks the shits at this idea. “Look, I went along with the blow job, but stuffed if I’m swallowing the seamen!”
 
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