An Ellisville school teacher called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback west of Broken Hill,when suddenly a brand-new B.M.W ATV advanced toward him out of a great cloud of dust.
The driver, a young bloke in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "Hey there my man! If I can tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd of yours, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a Green yuppie of some sort?, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Yeh mate, Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spread sheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"Holy Shit! That's right. Well, you'll be helpin' yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his 4WD.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey Mate before ya go, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know about anything?
He grins and then says,"Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"Well! You're a Politician & you work in Canberra". says the old timer.
"Wow! That's correct,"says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required"... answered Billy
"You showed up here, uninvited, even though nobody bloody called ya! you want to get paid for a friggin answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;and you don't know a thing about how working people make a friggin living -Or about cows, for that matter.
Ya dopey bastard,this here is a mob of sheep. Now give me back my friggin Dog."
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.”
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?”
Santa is in the middle of his delivery run when he comes across a beautiful women who pleads with him to stay a while.
"Ho Ho Ho I'd love to but I have toys to deliver" replies Santa.
Please says the women undoing her gown to reveal a stunning negligee.
Santa resolve wavering only slightly replies "Ho Ho Ho far too busy lady.
"Please Santa says the woman dropping the negligee totally.
"Well says Santa pragmatically "I'll never get back up the chimney with my dick in this state so I may as well stay."
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?