Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

Cuzz09

Brownlow Medallist
Sep 21, 2004
23,793
9,888
Adel - SA - Aust - Earth
AFL Club
West Coast
Other Teams
Norwood & Liverpool.
Sam Newman, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Sam is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Sam looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Sam can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

”It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, Sam man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, Sam goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

Sam can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . ." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.










"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"
I read his parts in Sams Voice "Chriiist Ed!"

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jumboprince

FLACCID MEMBER
Oct 16, 2011
10,801
24,315
AFL Club
Adelaide
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Yahl Cricket Club
"Can you go and check upstairs, I don't think the baby monitor is working. " Said my girlfriend.

So I went upstairs, "Can you hear me, " I called through the monitor,

"Yes. " She answered.

"It is working then, " I replied, "what do you want me to do with the dead baby?"
 

jumboprince

FLACCID MEMBER
Oct 16, 2011
10,801
24,315
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Yahl Cricket Club
If you want to save money this Christmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.
 

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Cuzz09

Brownlow Medallist
Sep 21, 2004
23,793
9,888
Adel - SA - Aust - Earth
AFL Club
West Coast
Other Teams
Norwood & Liverpool.
"Can you go and check upstairs, I don't think the baby monitor is working. " Said my girlfriend.

So I went upstairs, "Can you hear me, " I called through the monitor,

"Yes. " She answered.

"It is working then, " I replied, "what do you want me to do with the dead baby?"
I LoL'd then sort of went hooo geez

On SM-G925I using BigFooty.com mobile app
 

jumboprince

FLACCID MEMBER
Oct 16, 2011
10,801
24,315
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Yahl Cricket Club
An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist". "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.
 

CliffMcTainshaw

All Australian
Apr 11, 2015
856
503
AFL Club
Hawthorn
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it, it's a f---ing ars-hole"!!
 

CliffMcTainshaw

All Australian
Apr 11, 2015
856
503
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Why Are Men Happier?

Men are just happier people; what do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too yucky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000. Morning Suit rental-$300.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $9.99 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
 
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