Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

[raskolnikov]

What do dog s**t and women have in common? The older they are the easier it is to pick up.

 

[spenze]

I think my cat might be a communist



He won't shut up about Mao.

 

[CliffMcTainshaw]

An elderly man and woman are sitting in the lounge of their retirement home. The man turns to the woman and says, "I bet you can't tell how old I am."
She says, "OK". She then unzips his fly, feels around for a while and then says, "You're eighty five."
"That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did did you know?" She replies, "You told me yesterday."

 

[CliffMcTainshaw]

Now I know a lot of you are worrying about sitting around and drinking too much. It took me a while but I've put together an exercise and drinking instruction sheet and attached for you. To keep it simple, there's hardly any written stuff, just lots of educational pictures pictures. Good luck.

 

[spenze]

Reverse cowgirl is illegal in Alabama.


You don’t turn your back on family.

 

[spenze]

The other day my friends and I tried to split the bill five ways and it got really awkward.

I don’t know who was more embarrassed: us or the prostitute.

 

[CliffMcTainshaw]

After an exhaustive study, researchers have identified two important air borne factors that result in women becoming pregnant. Legs!

 

[spenze]

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?


I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

 

[spenze]

My date said, "Tell me something about yourself."

"I'm half Scotch," I replied.

"You mean Scottish," she laughed.

I know what I meant.

 

[spenze]

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer


Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

 

[STFU Donnie]

Poor Donald Trump has had the full 2020 experience.

He caught COVID.

He lost his job, and

He's getting evicted from his house.

 

[spenze]

I was speaking to my ex earlier, reminiscing about old times and she asked me to describe how sex with her compared to my latest woman's. I replied, "sex with you is like being on a rollercoaster".

"Aww" she says, flattered, "Is that because I'm the best ride of your life?".

"Err, no , love. I had to queue up for two hours then I puked on the guy behind me".

 

[spenze]

RIP Maradonna, he cut more lines than a disabled kid at Disneyland..

 

[spenze]

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you ******* sorry?"

 

[CliffMcTainshaw]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear."What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "Well, it's obvious, you're not eating properly"

 

[spenze]

Dad always used to say: ‘the best bit about the fight was the make-up sex.’

Great dad, terrible boxer.

 

[spenze]

We should've known why communism would fail



In retrospect, there were quite a lot of red flags....

 

[Carson Dial]

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.'

 

[spenze]

A guy tells his mate he's just opened a brothel.

"$200 for anal and $100 for a blow job", says the guy.

His mate asks "How much for pussy?".

"Nah" says the guy, "I don't have any employees yet".

 

[Carson Dial]

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

 

[Run n Spread]

Agent Johnson from the CIA finally hit the big time when he got invited to the international ambassador's ball. After meeting contacts over cocktails he was assigned his table were next to him was the most attractive blonde he'd seen.
After she made eye contact he briefly reached for her hand. Feeling no resistance and refreshed from the cocktails he brushed her thigh under the table. Still no resistance. Holding eye contact as he made his way up her thigh he received a note on a napkin quickly written in lipstick.
Grabbing it discreetly it read
Don't give the game away when you reach my balls
Smithers from MI6

 

[spenze]

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you...



“School” is my answer

 

[Cuzz09]

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you...



“School” is my answer

or "unlike where you're from... school"

 

[Carson Dial]

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.

 

[Carson Dial]

Back in my day we used to have fun by climbing into tires and rolling down hills.
Those were Goodyears