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Well ok

There's two old prospectors going over the opal fields, could be White Cliffs or Cooper Pedy, when they come upon an old shaft

They wonder how deep it is and one of them drops a stone and puts his ear over the shaft to listen, nothing

His mate gets a bigger stone drops it into the shaft puts his ear over it and listens, nothing

Together carry a boulder to the shaft push it over the edge and listen, nothing

Finally getting a bit pissed and wondering if they should just give up, they drag an old railway sleeper grunting and groaning to edge of the shaft and push it over the edge, still nothing.

Then a goat comes running and jumps into tbe shaft with a great leap.

While the prospectors are catching tbeir breath and trying to figure out what happened a guy walks up to them and asks if they have seen a goat.

Well we did one said but it was the damndest thing. It ran straight up and jumped into the shaft.

Wouldn't have been my goat was the reply it's not that stupid, and anyway my goat was tied to a railway sleeper.
 
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Whats the difference between an Egg and a beetroot?
Highlight for answer here:
You can beat an egg, but you cant beat a root!
 
Paddy was walking home late one night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty quid' she whispers.:twohearts:

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of
minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.:sparklingheart:

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know....'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that feckin' light in her face...!':fearscream:
 

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Transportation in Heaven
And it came to pass that an angel came up to three newly-dead men and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man in life. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge."

The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You were not as sinful, but you still cheated on your wife twice. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at our hero, Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, his head in his hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You're set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth, and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
 
Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath. In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet arse it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher fainted.;)
 
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
 
A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"
 
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
 

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There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
 
It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
 
GG.exe said:
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
Click to expand...
I signed my wife up to the same program...unfortunately, she only gained weight.
 
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
 
The other day a fortune teller told me I would soon come into some money.

Last night I banged a girl named Penny.
 
A bloke goes into the Centre link in Adelaide & sees a job card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.
The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies. "Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000,.....................but you're going to have to go to Beetaloo Valley.." "Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "That's where the end of the queue is."o_O
 
jumboprince said:
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went to a bar.

They all had to leave because the Englishman wanted to go.
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Jamaylor said:
I'm going to use this one cheers
Click to expand...
For some reason, Jamaylors reply made me re-read the joke.
Finally got it.

Man, thats happening waaay too often now.
 
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