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Double the Fist said:
For some reason, Jamaylors reply made me re-read the joke.
Finally got it.

Man, thats happening waaay too often now.
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yeah, I know. It is called getting old, it happens to all of us. If it makes you feel better, I hit a pole reversing my car last week. I now think I am 1 year away from hitting the accelerator instead of hitting the break and plowing through a day care centre I am that old
 

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A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another ship wreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
 
If every country was represented by kids on a playground, what would they each be doing?

USA - Fat kids shooting each other.
Sweden - Kids building Ikea furniture.
UK - Will leave the playground.
Mexico - Climbing the fence to get into the playground.
Germany - Would be building a gas operated, indestructible swing.
South Africa - Playing Rugby
Brazil - Playing Soccer
Argentina - Playing Soccer with a Messi jersey on
Portugal - Playing Soccer with a Ronaldo jersey on
Australia - Playing with a boomerang.
Malaysia - Lost his toy plane.
India & Pakistan - Would be fighting over a disputed land.
Poland - Poking Germany with stick and saying "kurwa stoopit nazi".

Canada - Watching the whole playground burn.
 
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My white, male flat mate with a history of blue collar jobs and thinks that Pauline Hanson has some good ideas had a job interview at a camera store the other day.

Before he left, he knew I'd have a joke lined up, so on his way out he said "Please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, you're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash...ect ect"

Annoyed with him interrupting me I punched him in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."
 
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jumboprince said:
My wife had a job interview at a camera store the other day.

Before she left, she knew I'd have a joke lined up, so on her way out she said "Please don't give me any of your silly puns, like, you're a snappy dresser, or it'll be over in a flash...ect ect"

Annoyed with her interrupting me I punched her in the face, and said: "That bruise should develop in about an hour and if you interrupt my jokes again, well, you get the picture.."
Click to expand...

Jimmy Bartel doesn't like this
 
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
 

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A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word "contagious" in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher ignores him and asks a girl, who said, "The mumps are contagious."
"Very good," the teacher said. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Johnny raises his hand again and again the teacher ignores him. She asks another boy with his hand raised. "The flu can be very contagious" says the boy. "Excellent", replies the teacher. She asks for one more example. This time Johnny is the only one with his hand raised. Reluctantly the teacher asks him. Little Johnny says, "Our neighbor was painting his house all by himself, and my dad said it would take the contagious."
 
Stealing this from Marklar_33 from the Lame Jokes thread....

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A married couple were fast asleep one night when they hear a knock at the door, so the husband gets up and answers it

"Sorry to disturb you, just wondering if I could get a push?" says the visitor

"Nah, its too late, I need to be up early, sorry champ" says the husband, and shuts the door

He goes back to bed, and the wife asks "Who was that?"

"Just some guy whose car has broken down"

A couple of minutes later, another knock at the door. The husband answers again

"Sir, please can I get a push, there's no-one else around here" says the guy at the door.

Reluctantly, the husband agrees, and goes to get his shoes.

When he goes outside, the man is gone, so he calls out

"Where are you?"

"I'm over here, on the swing"
 
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