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raskolnikov

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10k Posts 30k Posts Wordler Werewolf Player Essendon Player Sponsor 2021 - Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti and Archie Perkins Essendon Player Sponsor 2020 Essendon Player Sponsor 2019 Song Contest Winner - 5+ Rounds
Apr 1, 2002
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I went to a job interview. The guy interviewing me said, "The starting salary is $15 an hour. In six months it goes up to $25. When would you like to start?" I replied, "In six months".
 
May 20, 2001
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A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace.

He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.

Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.

He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"

She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one millimetre of water in the tub.

She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only millimetre of water in the tub."

He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet";)
 

footyman13

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Apr 8, 2013
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A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace.

He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.

Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.

He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"

She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one millimetre of water in the tub.

She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only millimetre of water in the tub."

He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet";)
 

footyman13

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Apr 8, 2013
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Portarlington
A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace.

He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet.

Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.

He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"

She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one millimetre of water in the tub.

She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only millimetre of water in the tub."

He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet";)
What do Bogan's use for protection during sex??

The Bus Shelter.
 

raskolnikov

Cancelled
10k Posts 30k Posts Wordler Werewolf Player Essendon Player Sponsor 2021 - Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti and Archie Perkins Essendon Player Sponsor 2020 Essendon Player Sponsor 2019 Song Contest Winner - 5+ Rounds
Apr 1, 2002
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Just went for another interview. This time the guy asked me if I thought I was responsible. "I sure am", I replied. "At my last job whenever something went wrong everybody always said I was responsible".
 

footyman13

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A man went for a job interview. As is normal they ask him the dopey question, "What do you think is your biggest weakness?" He says, "My honesty." They respond, "We don't think honesty is a weakness?" He says, "I don't give a f*ck what you think."
A bloke walks into a bar. The bowl of peanuts on the bar say's to him "geez your looking awesome today". The bartender say's, "the peanuts are complimentary".
 
Feb 10, 2011
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Dating in the 60's

Pete and Jane were swell kids who had a crush on one another. Eventually, after a soda at the high school cafeteria with friends, Pete worked up the courage to ask Jane out on a date.

"Say, Jane, you're looking swell today," said Pete.

"Thanks Pete," said Jane, "you too."

After an awkward silence, Pete continued.

"Say Jane," he said, "I was wondering, if you weren't doing anything, aww, shucks don't worry about it..."

Pete began to walk off, but Jane stopped him.

"I'd love to..." She said, taking his arm.

Pete looked down at her arm in his then up at her face, then down at her arm again, in disbelief.

"Well," Jane continued, "you were going to ask me out, weren't you?"

"Was I!!" Replied Pete, "you bet!"

They both laughed, their friends laughed, the cafeteria staff in their crisp white uniforms all laughed. The principal came in and he laughed too. Then the bell went and everybody went back to class.

The next few days passed quickly as Pete and Jane waited excitedly for their big date. It was all the talk around the bleachers at school. Would he take her up to make out lane? Would they get to second base?

Saturday came and the sun was shining. Mr Brown was walking his dog early and waved hello to Pete who was returning from his paper route. Life was A-ok.

Pete spent an enjoyable day helping out at the local community hall as they prepared for the local town fair the next day. Several people remarked what a responsible young man he was becoming.

Eventually, day turned to evening and Pete readied himself for his date. He put on his best blue tuxedo with frilly shirt and asked Dad if he could borrow the car.

"You be careful son." his father replied.

At 7pm sharp Pete arrived to pick Jane up.

"Promise you'll have her back by 10:30," said Jane's father sternly.

"Daddy!" Said Jane.

"I will Mr Farelly." promised Pete.

An awkward silence befell them in the car as they drove to the movie house. Eventually, Pete got up the courage to break it.

"Aaw heck Jane!" he said, "We've known each what feels like forever, can we just relax and have a swell time?"

Jane smiled happily, her braces shining in the evening sun.

"I'd like that." She said

The rest of the car trip they laughed and joked with one another. Pete told Jane about how he'd made quarterback in the school team, Jane told Pete how she'd become head cheerleader.

They had a groovy time at the movie, they shared a popcorn and a Coke between them, the Coke with two straws.

After the movie Pete plucked up the courage to ask if Jane would like to go for a drive to make out lane. Blushing, she said she would.

Nerves jangling in their stomachs, Pete parked the car up at make out point and turned the music up a little. In the still of the night was playing.

Pete shuffled closer to Jane and put his arm around her shoulder. They both leaned in to one another nervously, ready to kiss. As they did, they were startled by a tap on the window. Immediately Pete began to panic. Was it the police? Was it Jane's father? Panicking, he quickly rolled down the window, and neither of them had any time to think about what was happening before they both HAD THEIR HEADS BLOWN OFF BY THE ZODIAC KILLER!!!

You stupid bastard, just burst out laughing in the library
 

footyman13

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Apr 8, 2013
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A man went for a job interview. As is normal they ask him the dopey question, "What do you think is your biggest weakness?" He says, "My honesty." They respond, "We don't think honesty is a weakness?" He says, "I don't give a f*ck what you think."
SIGHT GAG YOU CAN ALL DO AT HOME:

Try and lick your elbow, and say RED backwards at the same time.
 

footyman13

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Apr 8, 2013
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How do you get a nun pregnant?

You **** her.
Daryl was a pisshead, and wife Sharon was over it, and decided to take on a lover.
Daryl and his mate Denis headed off to the footy on Saturday arvo, so Sharon called lover Thommo over for a visit.

Sharon and Thommo are going for it on the couch, when unexpectedly they hear the front door open, as Daryl and Denis arrive home early from the footy.

Sharon dashes upstairs, and Thommo, in a panic decides to hide behind the TV.

Daryl and Denis crack a can, sit on the couch, and put the footy replay on the Telly.

Meanwhile, Thommo's getting all cramped up behind the TV, and says to himself "these blokes are pissed, if I just get up, walk past them, pick up my clothes and go out the front door they won't even notice me" So he does.

As Thommo walks past, Daryl and Denis look at each other, and shake their heads in disbelief.
Daryl said "Why'd they take him off for, he was playing ok".
 
May 20, 2001
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Wonderful English from Around the World ...

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A
FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a Los Angeles restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery in Ireland:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE,OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS
THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING
A GOOD TIME.

And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.:thumbsu:
 
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