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A blind guy is sitting at the bar and leans over to the person next to him and says
'Mind if I tell you a blonde joke?'
The chick next to him says
" well for starters ,I'm blonde, 100 kilos and in the army,the woman next to me is blonde and a karate instructor and the woman next to her is blonde 6'5 and a professional wrestler..now do you still want to tell your blonde joke?'
The blind guy thinks about it for a few seconds and replies
"Not if I have to explain it 3 times"".

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I'm at the emergency room. Today was not a good day. I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in a few years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slow, but then we went a little faster before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine.
 

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This is a real dad joke. I know because my dad told it to me.

Suspend belief in reality….

A long, long time ago, in a land far, far away, where white men had never been seen and reservations had never been built. In a time before cowboys and the wild west and all that stuff, there was an old Indian chief who, because he was the chief, had three wives.

They had been doing the Indian war dance together and all three got pregnant at around the same time.

The pregnancies all progressed satisfactorily to full term without the intervention of doctors and Maternal and Child Health Nurses.

After 40 weeks the three wives all started labour at the same time and the chief got out three animal skins for them to use while they gave birth.

His favourite wife got the biggest and best, the skin of a hippopotamus. (Don’t ask how that happened, I said suspend belief in reality at the start!!!).

The second wife got a smaller skin, that of a Zebra.

The third wife had been an absolute bitch and was really on the outer so she was given the skin of a coyote.

After hours of labour, the second wife gave birth to a girl and was totally delighted.

A little while later, the first wife had a boy and there were shouts of joy across the tribe.

Some time later, the third wife gave birth as well and had a boy also. The tribe was ecstatic that three babies had been born alive and healthy.

After a while, they realised that the first wife and the second wife still were in labour and that they were going to have multiple births. This was cause for more celebrating within the tribe.

The second wife gave birth to another girl and the celebrations increased.

Then the first wife gave birth to a girl, the tribe were ecstatic.

Then she had another girl and everyone became frantic.

Once the celebration was over the chief came into the Wigwam and saw his wives and his six new children all comfortable on their hide beds.

He realised as he watched them that the Squaw on the hippopotamus equalled the sum of the Squaws on the other two hides.
 
A guy was in bed with a girl he had brought home for the night. "Before we have sex I need to confess something", said the girl. "What is it?", replied the guy.

"I used to be a Christian.", the girl said. "Oh, is that all?" said the guy, "That's no big deal."

They proceeded to have a night of passionate sex.

The next morning the girl said, "I'm so glad it wasn't an issue that I used to be a Christian. I so much prefer being a Christine".
 
My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot.

After a week she took it back and told the pet store owner "it hasn't said anything".

"I havent had a ******* chance!" replied the parrot
 
Modern Technology??
I bought my daughter an iPAD. I bought my son an iPOD. I bought myself an iPHONE. And I bought my wife an iRON. She wasn't impressed with the iRON ? even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK, and iCLEAN network. ?? This triggered the iNAG service which I couldn't turn off and I later found out that it completely wiped out the iSHAG function!
 
Two gay men (named Justin and Ryan) are on a plane....

"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Justin.

"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Justin stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Ryan.

So Justin and Ryan have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fecked in the ass..."
 

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Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow...
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?" Paddy replied.
 
Two Islamic mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.

And they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He’s a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh, so sad, dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me…" says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They blow up so fast, don’t they?"
 
AAACockburn said:
Two Islamic mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat’s milk.

The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.

And they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He’s a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh, so sad, dear" says the other. "And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born." "He’s a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me…" says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18," she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They blow up so fast, don’t they?"
Click to expand...
Haha read my one on pg 196

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A woman goes to the doctor complaining of pain in her aviaries.
'Don't you mean your ovaries?' the doctor said.
'No, in my aviaries.'
'OK. Whatever,' said the doctor. 'Let's have a look inside you.'
After further examination the doctor said, 'Well actually, you could be right. There's been a cockatoo in here.'
 
Two cowboys were on holidays and eating at a fancy city restaurant.
Suddenly a young lady at a nearby table started choking on her food.
One of the cowboys jumped up, bent her over her table, lifted up her dress and licked one of her butt cheeks. She quickly spat out the food blockage and breathed again.
Embarrassed, but very grateful, she thanked the cowboy for saving her life. The crowd cheered and applauded him.
Once seated again, his cowboy friend said, 'Well done Roy! You know, I heard about that Hindlick Manoeuvre, but I never saw it done in person.'
 
The local slag told me she'd only have sex if we're engaged.
"Okay, okay," I said, locking the door on the pub toilet. "Happy now? :)
 
I was flying up to work on a minsite when the plane lost altitude really fast.
The oxygen masks dropped down,the luggage cabinets were flying own,crap was going everywhere,people were screaming and puking.
The chick next to me is hysterical! She rips off her blouse and screams at me 'make me feel like a woman one last time before we die!'
So what could I do.I take my pants off and say' here you go iron these'

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