Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

Oct 16, 2011
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AFL Club
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A left wing Labor/Green politician, a trendy lefty TV reporter and an Australian SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of the ALP's "It's Time".

The reporter asked that the beheading be televised so that even when he was dead, his face would be on TV.

The SAS trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun. Because, said the trooper, when we get back to Australia, I don't want you pair of warped arseholes saying it was an unprovoked attack !!

I really like that one, good stuff
 
Mar 26, 2017
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Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
 
A Police officer called over to the Station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
 
I have discovered I can fit 4 donuts on my erect penis. I'm now banned from Coles bakery section.
 
I went to get my rectal exam yesterday and as it was finishing and the doctor walked out, the nurse walks in and says those 5 words you never want to hear...

Who the * was that?
 
I went to get my rectal exam yesterday and as it was finishing and the doctor walked out, the nurse walks in and says those 5 words you never want to hear...

Who the **** was that?

I should've caught on when I asked "Where do I put my pants?" He said "Over there with mine"

Then the exam - he had two hands on my shoulder and I still felt it!
 
Feb 24, 2013
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The GoldenBrown Heart of Victoria
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A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Owww, you are a devil.;)

Forgive me my brothers if this has already been posted.

So there's 3 nuns visiting a mortuary & they happen to spy a freshly delivered corpse with a huge-hard-on.

'Is that even possible'?...asks the youngest sister....'Who cares', retorts the eldest nun, who decides to not let it go to waste.

The 2 younger nuns turn their backs, as the eldest one enjoys a stairway to heaven....Once she's finished, the corpse is still flying at full mast, so the second sister decides 'what the hell'....Her heavenly groaning orgasm shakes the entire mortuary to it's foundations.

Finally, it's the youngest nuns turn, but she has her monthly & is too embarrassed....But once the other nuns leave, she thinks better of it....Just as she delivers the 3rd ground & body-shaking tremor, the corpse re-awakens.

"Oh, i'm so terribly sorry" screams the young nun, frightened half out of her wits....'We thought you were dead'.

"I was" replies the man...."But after 3 jump starts & a blood transfusion, I'm as good as new."
 
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A fart is a pleasant thing
It gives the belly ease
It warms the bed in winter
And suffocates the fleas

A fart can be quiet
A fart can be loud
Some leave a powerful
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short
Or a fart can be long
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song

A fart can create
A most curious medley
A fart can be harmless
Or silent...and deadly.

A fart might not smell
While others are vile
A fart may pass quickly
Or linger a while

A fart can occur
In a number of places
And leave everyone there
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie
To a small elevator
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.

But farts are all bad
Is simply not true
We must never forget
Sweet old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye...right?
 
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls him over and demands "I thought I told you yesterday to take these penguins to the zoo?"

"I did ... today I'm taking them to the beach!"
 
I heard through the grapevine that my wife told someone that "she had the biggest jerk." Then I found out she was telling someone this at our crossfit gym. The next day she said she had the biggest snatch! :eek:
 
Jan 31, 2010
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Busan
AFL Club
Adelaide
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine
 
We bought a DVD last night, it was so blurry I had to watch it with one eye closed... It must be a pirate.
 
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day.

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake and nearly drowned after I fell in. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I only just avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer!"
 
A blonde goes to the hospital.

"I think I have Qld postage stamps stuck in my vagina"

Doc looks "Nah, they're stickers off bananas"
 
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