Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

A few handy Arabic phrases translated to English -- in case you're ever kidnapped by terrorists.

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.= Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT RAEH GUSH DIVAR.= I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE.= I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH-HAST.= It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVAREHMAN.= If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY.= I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!= Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN.= The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE GOYAST INO BERGERAM.= The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
BA BODENEH GIZEELE BLUNDZCHEEN.= Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Gisele Bundchen.
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.


'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'


The girl, crying, replied, Daddy... I became a prostitute.'


'Ye what!? Leave here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'


'OK, Daddy ... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this fur coat, title to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'


'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.


Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'


'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
Alberton Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.

Now GET OUT and don't come back.."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.";)
 
A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on his door one Friday evening.

"I'm so horny that I can't stand it." she said. "I want to go out, get drunk & get laid. Are you free tonight?"

"Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.

"Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?"
 
Oct 16, 2011
15,266
37,584
AFL Club
Adelaide
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, She turned to me and said, "You"ve got to root me right away"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all,I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She said "The egg timer's broken."
 
Old couple sitting at the table, enjoying breakfast together. The old guy says, "Today is our 50th wedding anniversary, and I love you more today than I did on our wedding day. Then he gets frisky and says, Do you remember back when we were young, we used to sit at this table completely naked. Why don't we do that again?"

So they strip bare, and soon after the old lady says, "Darling, my breasts are as hot for you as ever."

Her husband says, "I'm not surprised - one is in your coffee, and the other is in your porridge."
 
Business hours.jpeg.jpg
 

Scoopar

Team Captain
Aug 22, 2006
450
652
Long Way from Arden St
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North Melbourne
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Hearts of Midlothian, GB Packers.
Not sure if this qualifies as a pearler but I heard it on an American comedy show and thought it as funny.

Q: What is the smelliest place on earth?

A: An anchovy's vagina the night after a gang bang.
 

Scoopar

Team Captain
Aug 22, 2006
450
652
Long Way from Arden St
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Other Teams
Hearts of Midlothian, GB Packers.
This is a joke the late Robin Williams told when he performed in Melbourne back in 2010. (gee is it really that long ago? :() Not sure if it has appeared before but worth trotting out.....

Little Johnny is tucked away in bed one night, when he hears noises coming from his parents' bedroom.

He's wondering what's going on so he gets up and creeps down the passage and peeps around the door. His parents are having sex with dad going for his life, on top of mum. Dad looks to the doorway and sees little Johnny. He gives Johnny a wink and a smile and continues pumping Johnny's mum.

A little perturbed Johnny returns back to his room.

The next night, Dad hears noises coming from grandma's room, so up he gets to investigate.

He opens the door and sees little Johnny on top of Grandma giving her a serve

Johnny looks up at dad, gives him a wink and a smile, and says "Not so funny when it's your mum."
 

Scoopar

Team Captain
Aug 22, 2006
450
652
Long Way from Arden St
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Other Teams
Hearts of Midlothian, GB Packers.
Not sure if this qualifies as a Pearler, but it is an original.

In a primary school at Bathurst in the week leading up to the famous Bathurst car race, a teacher is giving an English lesson.

She says to the class “OK children, we’re doing puns or play on words. It’s a clever way of using the English language. Who’s dad likes car racing?”

All the kids put their hands up.

She said “I want you to make a sentence about dad using his favourite car manufacturer but it can’t be about the car.”

“Who wants to go first?”

So a little girl puts up her hand and the teacher says “What’s you sentence Sharon?”

Sharon says “My dad said he we’ll take me to Disneyland when he can a-Ford it.”

The teacher said – “Very good Sharon. Who's next, I'd like another one but you can’t use Ford.”

A little boy puts up his hand.

“OK Kevin, what’s your sentence?”

Kevin says “My dad drives a speedboat and I ski behind Holden’ on to the rope.”

The teacher says “Excellent Kevin, exactly what a play on words is all about.”

She said “OK we’ve used Ford and Holden, can anyone think of any others?”

Dirty Johnny puts his hand up.

Reluctantly and as no-one else had put their hand up, the teacher says “Go ahead Johnny.”

Dirty Johnny pauses for a moment then says “Every time old man Corby gets his utensil out in the kitchen, Mercedes Benz over.”
 
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