Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigarette and asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke one of your cigarettes too?"
His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your a-hole?"
"No", said Little Johnny.
"Then you're not old enough" said Grandpa.

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink one of your beers too?"
His Grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your a-hole?"
"No" said Little Johhny.
"Then you're not old enough." his Grandpa replied again.

The following day, Little Johnny was eating some biscuits when his grandpa asked, "Can I have one of your biscuits too Little Johnny?"
"Can your penis reach your a-hole?" asked Johnny.
His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!"
"Well go * yourself then" said Little Johnny.
 
jumboprince said:
My dog had been ill and after a trip to the vets, I went to the pharmacy for his medicine.

"Fecking hell." Said the chemist, studying the paper. "Was the vet Chinese or something?"

"Actually, yeah." I chuckled. "Is it illegible?"

"No, it's a recipe."
Click to expand...

Clearly, you should have went to the Chinese herbalist shop.
 
My mother-in-law is always complaining about how much things cost. $3.00 for a cup of tea, $4.50 for a couple of biscuits!

I said "look mother-in- law, you just popped around , I didn't invite you!"
 

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jumboprince said:
There is a fair amount of talk about legalizing gay marriage in Australia.

For those of you confused about the idea, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and less arguments about who left the toilet seat up.
Click to expand...

what about lezos?
 
A Scottish winter's tale: Did you hear about the thoughtful Scottish Husband? He was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie, put your hat and coat on, lassie."
She replied, "Aw, Jock that's nice, are you taking me tae the pub with you?"
"Nay," Jock replied, "I'm switching the heating off while I'm out."
 
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Would you go get my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Can you run my bath ready while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Please get my bath ready while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!":mad:
 
At the end of the tax year, the A.T.O. sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said:

“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," o_Onoted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too and send it back to the manufacturer; every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" :rolleyes:responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. “So, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office and about once a year they send us a complete prick.":D
 
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