Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

Remove this Banner Ad

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'!

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phonedo_O'
 
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the chemist that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the chemist. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the chemist, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
 

Log in to remove this ad.

Yesterday, I was at my local Woolies buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..!

What did she think I had, an elephant?:rolleyes:

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 13 Kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works, is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. ( I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story ).

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the Dog Food poisoned me. I told her no, that I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.:)
 
A homeless guy is traveling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon."

Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.

The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out of a window.

"Could I have some food?" he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was shouting.

The down-and-out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman shouts impatiently.

"Might I please have a word with George?:D
 
shellyg said:
I have a phobia, of German sausage.
I always fear the Wurst.

This joke probably won't work without a picture of a big fat sausage.
Click to expand...
494d7666ed7708c1ada0c770c1237d7d.jpg


Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk
 

(Log in to remove this ad.)

roscreasl98 said:
I hear they are blaming Alastair Cooks Great, Great, Great, Grandfather, Captain Cook.

He shouldn't have discovered Australia.......
Click to expand...
The other one is, name 2 definitions of optimism. An English batsman with sunscreen on his nose, and an English bowler WITHOUT sunscreen on his nose.......
 
philreich said:
The other one is, name 2 definitions of optimism. An English batsman with sunscreen on his nose, and an English bowler WITHOUT sunscreen on his nose.......
Click to expand...
Back in the old days when bowlers bowled and batters batted

Number 11 was waiting for his bat and nervously lights a cigarette just as a wicket falls, placing his cigarette in the ashtray he walks out to bat. Someone asks him if he wants his cigarette stubbed out '' nah I'll be back to finish it in a minute''
 
GreyCrow said:
Back in the old days when bowlers bowled and batters batted

Number 11 was waiting for his bat and nervously lights a cigarette just as a wicket falls, placing his cigarette in the ashtray he walks out to bat. Someone asks him if he wants his cigarette stubbed out '' nah I'll be back to finish it in a minute''
Click to expand...
Nice!!!!

This is apparently a true story. There was a county game in England many years ago. The team batting first was 3 down, so the number 9 figured he had enough time to go to the toilet. WRONG!!!!! While his pants were around his ankles, 4 wickets fell in 5 deliveries, and a team mate came into the loo to deliver the bad news. He had 3 minutes to make himself decent, get his pads on, and make it out to the middle - which he failed to do, so he was given out timed out. Whoops.......
 
GreyCrow said:
Back in the old days when bowlers bowled and batters batted

Number 11 was waiting for his bat and nervously lights a cigarette just as a wicket falls, placing his cigarette in the ashtray he walks out to bat. Someone asks him if he wants his cigarette stubbed out '' nah I'll be back to finish it in a minute''
Click to expand...
Dougie Walters quote that one.
 
GreyCrow said:
Back in the old days when bowlers bowled and batters batted

Number 11 was waiting for his bat and nervously lights a cigarette just as a wicket falls, placing his cigarette in the ashtray he walks out to bat. Someone asks him if he wants his cigarette stubbed out '' nah I'll be back to finish it in a minute''
Click to expand...

Reminds me of the wife calling the ground

“No, he’s just walked out to bat”
“OK, I’ll hold”
 
philreich said:
The other one is, name 2 definitions of optimism. An English batsman with sunscreen on his nose, and an English bowler WITHOUT sunscreen on his nose.......
Click to expand...
A Star Trek fan with a condom in his wallet?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Remove this Banner Ad

Back
Top