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While golfing late one afternoon, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart.


A very attractive, young female golfer, who lived on her own in a villa on the course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?” "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, pulling himself out of the twisted cart.


She said, "Come up to my villa and rest a while. I’ll help you get the cart up later.” The old fella noticed that her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.


"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t really think my wife would like it.”


"Oh, come on now!" She was insistent, pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak, and pondered. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.


After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, “Thank you. I do feel a lot better now. But you know, my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d better go now.”


"Don’t be so silly!" she said with a smile, as her robe fell slightly more open. "Stay for a while,” she purred. Your wife won’t know anything. After all, where is she?”


He replied, “At a guess, I suppose she’ll still be under the cart."
 
Satan said:
While golfing late one afternoon, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart.


A very attractive, young female golfer, who lived on her own in a villa on the course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?” "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, pulling himself out of the twisted cart.


She said, "Come up to my villa and rest a while. I’ll help you get the cart up later.” The old fella noticed that her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.


"That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t really think my wife would like it.”


"Oh, come on now!" She was insistent, pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak, and pondered. "Well, OK," he finally agreed.


After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, “Thank you. I do feel a lot better now. But you know, my wife is going to be really upset, so I’d better go now.”


"Don’t be so silly!" she said with a smile, as her robe fell slightly more open. "Stay for a while,” she purred. Your wife won’t know anything. After all, where is she?”


He replied, “At a guess, I suppose she’ll still be under the cart."
Click to expand...


Always liked that joke, one of the rare golf ones that makes me laugh
 

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Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive";)
 
I may have posted this previously...can't remember.

----------

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand…

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching..

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly..

“Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra..”

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

“If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
 
This was told last night on the ABC program Employable Me.


A man is sitting at a bar having a drink when a giant cockroach walks in and puts him in a headlock. After a small struggle, the cockroach lets go and runs out. The next day the man is sitting at the same bar when the cockroach enters again and slaps the man across the face. The man falls off his stool, but by the time he gets up to confront the cockroach, it has scurried out the door.
The following day the man is having another drink at the bar when the cockroach sneaks up behind him and stabs him in the back five times before fleeing. The man is rushed to hospital, and when he wakes up after surgery, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well firstly, the other day I was put into a headlock by this giant cockroach. The next day he slaps me in the face causing me to fall off my stool, and today he stabbed me in the back."
"Ah yes," says the doctor, "I heard there was a nasty bug going around."
 
Horse walks into a bar and gets himself a pint.

A donkey is sitting beside him and says "you're a big lad, did you ever win anything?". The horse turns round and says "yeah, I won the Derby on the flat and the Grand National on the jumps".

The donkey, thinking "feck, how can I match that, that's impressive", goes to his phone and gets up a picture of a zebra. He shows it to the horse who responds "what the feck is that?". The donkey replies "That's when I used to play for Juventus".
 
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