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A beautiful woman asks her doctor, "Doctor please will you give me a kiss?"
"Goodness no!" says the doctor. "That would be completely against my code of ethics."
"Oh please," begs the woman. "Just one kiss?"
"Certainly not," says the doctor. "Strictly speaking we shouldn't even be having sex."
 
worbod said:
This was told last night on the ABC program Employable Me.


A man is sitting at a bar having a drink when a giant cockroach walks in and puts him in a headlock. After a small struggle, the cockroach lets go and runs out. The next day the man is sitting at the same bar when the cockroach enters again and slaps the man across the face. The man falls off his stool, but by the time he gets up to confront the cockroach, it has scurried out the door.
The following day the man is having another drink at the bar when the cockroach sneaks up behind him and stabs him in the back five times before fleeing. The man is rushed to hospital, and when he wakes up after surgery, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well firstly, the other day I was put into a headlock by this giant cockroach. The next day he slaps me in the face causing me to fall off my stool, and today he stabbed me in the back."
"Ah yes," says the doctor, "I heard there was a nasty bug going around."
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Husband and wife talking, and the conversation goes something like this:

Wife: Just suppose for a moment that I were to die before you - would you remarry?
Husband: Of course not sweetheart - you're the only one for me.
Wife: Oh I think you would.
Husband: OK, yes I would.
Wife: And would you let her sleep in our bed?
Husband: No way - our bed is sacred.
Wife: Oh I think you would.
Husband: OK, yes I would.
Wife: And would you let her play with my golf clubs?
Husband: No, she's left handed.

Divorce proceedings are now underway........
 
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Clew Bay Irish man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables:(:(.

"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.":)

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.":D
 
ArgusTuft said:
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Clew Bay Irish man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables:(:(.

"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.":)

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.":D
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A man was in town looking to buy a birthday present for his wife. He walked past a shop window and glanced at the display. There was nothing in the window apart from a very large and expensive pearl necklace.
"That'll do," he thought, and walked into the shop, where he was greeted by an employee.
"How much is the pearl necklace?" inquired the man.
"Not for sale," says the employee. "We don't sell jewellery."
"What do you sell then?" asks the man, now confused.
"Nothing," says the employee.
"What do you do here then?"
"We are specialist veterinarians," says the employee. "We specialise in castration."
"Then why do you have a pearl necklace in your window?" asks the man.
"And what do you suggest we put in the window sir?"
 

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A drunk guy encountered a woman about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. He asked her if she would like to have sex one last time. She said, Go away you disgusting drunk. OK fine, he said, have it your way, I will go wait for you at the bottom.
 
I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60 year old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We had a few beers and she asked me if I had ever had a Sportman's Double. What's that? I asked. She said "It's a mother daughter threesome".
As my mind began to embrace the idea, I wondered what her daughter looked like. I said, no I haven't. We had a few more beers, then with a wink she said "tonight's your lucky night".

We went back to her place. We walked in. She turned the hall light on, and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?".
 
A little old, but worthy.

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy' A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Abbott. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not explained Abbott, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Abbott searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Hockey, Mr Pyne and Mrs Bishop was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Abbott, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!
 
A bloke gets his blood test results from his doctor...

“Cholesterol is excellent ...blood sugar levels are great, PSA is good, everything is really good!”....“How’s the use of your bowels?”

“Regular as clockwork Doc...7:30 every morning!”

“You’ve got to be happy with that! ...says the Doc

“Well...not really”

“Why not?”

“I don’t wake up until 8:00!”:'(
 
Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.

Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The Rabbi looked up and said:

"Looking back on it...circumcision may not have been the best way to start...”
 
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