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A bloke spends $250 on eBay for a penis enlarger. He was well pissed off when the package arrived the next week and all it contained was a magnifying glass.
 
As part their rehabilitation into Australian Cricket Smith, Warner and Bancroft are made to see a Psychologist.

Bancroft goes first and explains that he was instructed to rub sandpaper over the teams balls and he is sorry.
Warner is next and confesses to orchestrating the plot and he too is sorry.
Smith is next and also apologetic explaining he should've put a stop to the whole thing.

Finally the psychologists curiosity gets the better of her and she asks Smith why he allowed things to continue.
"Well" he explained "we were hoping if we got them abrasive enough they might swing."

Later that night as the Psychologists husband is getting stitches he exclaims:

"Look Dahl if you wanted to get more adventurous in the bedroom you should have just said something."
 
You know the funniest thing about doing an office conga line? When you look behind and you realise you're not in an office, you're in a psychiatric hospital.
 
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They say pimpin' aint easy, but what they won't tell you is that it's much, much harder being a prostitute.
 
When I was a kid, I walked in on my parents having sex.It was the worst 30 minutes of my life.
All NM
 
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I went to the pub last night and there was a fat chick dancing on the table.

"Great legs!" I yelled out.

'Do you really think so?" she replied.

"Yes!" I said, "Most tables would have collapsed by now!"
 
A Grandma has her Grand Daughter staying a while. One day she forgets her lunch. Been the dutiful Grandma arrives just as her GD is entering work and gives her a couple of oranges fresh picked from the garden.

Unbeknown to GMa GD is a prostitute and has unfortunately being caught in a Police Raid.

When the Policeman gets to GMa with her bag of oranges he is intrigued. Eyeing the bag of oranges he says:
"Bit unusual and still going at your age how do you do it?"

Oh it's easy dear GMa responds:
"I take my teeth out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
 
"Why don't you let me know when you orgasm?" the frustrated husband asked his wife.
"I don't like calling you at work" the wife replied.
 
Rick and Mick are enjoying a VB in the pub and Rick says, "Hey Mick, did you and your wife go to that hypnotist show?"
"Yeah," says Mick, "it was a shocker, mate!"
"Really?" says Rick. "I thought this bloke was really good and got people to do all sorts of entertaining stuff?"
"Oh, he was good alright," says Mick. "He had a dozen blokes up on stage, all hypnotised, got them to bark like a dog, pretend they were bowing for the queen, made them do silly disco dancing: all sorts of stuff!"
"So what went wrong?" asked Rick.
"Well, he got a static zap from his microphone and said 'Aaah, bugger me!' What happened next will haunt me forever."
 
In England a women was arrested for providing alcohol, marajuana and strippers for her 16yo son's birthday, now she's got an even bigger problem- what to do for his 17th birthday.
 
My Aunt turned her house into a bed & breakfast. I guess she woke up and said "not enough strangers are fuc king here"
 
I need to have glasses to see my family. Specifically, two glasses... of scotch!
 
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