RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
- Aug 23, 2010
- 26,794
- 29,393
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- Essendon
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- Exers, Gryffindor, Rich+Ess AFLW, Tassie
Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only
- Thread starter Damp Squarie
- Start date
- Tagged users None
GreyCrow
TheBrownDog
- Mar 21, 2016
- 74,284
- 117,746
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- Adelaide
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- Sturt, White Sox
I went to the chemist to buy some Viagra. Couldnt believe how much it cost
Guess thats inflation for ya
Guess thats inflation for ya
philreich
TheBrownDog
- Mar 2, 2014
- 58,309
- 146,671
- AFL Club
- Port Adelaide
Mate of mine reckons he saw his missus putting viagra in her coffee the other day. He asked her, "What are you doing?" She said, "I love the stuff - it even stops my biscuits going soft."
philreich
TheBrownDog
- Mar 2, 2014
- 58,309
- 146,671
- AFL Club
- Port Adelaide
Someone once described it as being like a trip to Disneyland - you have to hang around for an hour for a 12 second ride.
Socrates2
Norm Smith Medallist
- Aug 11, 2015
- 9,041
- 9,787
- AFL Club
- Richmond
- Banned
- #2,482
There was a party and after the party ,a brother and sister were drunk and the sister says to her brother ,'come in the bedroom.' The siblings not thinking clearly,start having sex, just as the sister was about to climax , she yells 'kiss me ,kiss me!'.The brother says ,' Kiss you?It's bad enough we're doing this!'
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,336
- 38,055
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
The wife got dressed up for a night out with her friends, then she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least" I said.
"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered". Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers.
"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered". Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers.
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,336
- 38,055
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
Smacked the missus on the arse last night. "into the bedroom with you wench" I said.
She giggled "Oh you horny devil" "No, seriously" I said. "Bugger off, the footy's about to start."
She giggled "Oh you horny devil" "No, seriously" I said. "Bugger off, the footy's about to start."
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,336
- 38,055
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
I don't know if women belong in the kitchen or not; but we can all agree they don't belong on the road.
- Apr 2, 2013
- 10,981
- 16,386
- AFL Club
- Collingwood
Bob is called before the medical practitioners board for sleeping with a patient.
In his defence Bob states:
"Look I'm not the first Doctor to have done this. And we're both single so it's not as if anyone is being harmed."
"Yes but Bob" came the reply:
"You're a Vet."
In his defence Bob states:
"Look I'm not the first Doctor to have done this. And we're both single so it's not as if anyone is being harmed."
"Yes but Bob" came the reply:
"You're a Vet."
- Apr 2, 2013
- 10,981
- 16,386
- AFL Club
- Collingwood
A farmer has a recalcitrant Rooster who is lazy and unmotivated.
Perplexed he visits the vet who gives him some powder to ground up into the Roosters Chicken Feed.
The powder works so well the Rooster is at it all day for a week straight.
After seeing this all week the farmer decides to mix in a bit of the powder into his Saturday night drink before his hot date.
Monday morning comes and he has no option to sees the Vet:
"Look" says the vet "it really is designed for poultry but given you only had a teaspoon it won't do you any harm."
"No the powder worked great" says the farmer. "40 times for the weekend."
"Only problem is my date never showed. Now i need something for my wrist."
Perplexed he visits the vet who gives him some powder to ground up into the Roosters Chicken Feed.
The powder works so well the Rooster is at it all day for a week straight.
After seeing this all week the farmer decides to mix in a bit of the powder into his Saturday night drink before his hot date.
Monday morning comes and he has no option to sees the Vet:
"Look" says the vet "it really is designed for poultry but given you only had a teaspoon it won't do you any harm."
"No the powder worked great" says the farmer. "40 times for the weekend."
"Only problem is my date never showed. Now i need something for my wrist."
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #2,489
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,336
- 38,055
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
It was impressive that my friend Steve finished the 100-metres race in 2 seconds
The only pity is that we cannot find that hit-and-run driver
The only pity is that we cannot find that hit-and-run driver
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,336
- 38,055
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn’t get me anywhere.
Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #2,492
An oldie worth repeating.
Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way back downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think..?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. “you made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you then insulted the chairman of the company, right to his face."
"Aw... he's an a-hole," Dave said. "I could piss on him."
"You did..." came the reply. "...and he fired you."
"Well... **** him," said Dave.
"I did..." said Marilyn. "...you're back at work on Monday"
Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way back downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think..?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. “you made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you then insulted the chairman of the company, right to his face."
"Aw... he's an a-hole," Dave said. "I could piss on him."
"You did..." came the reply. "...and he fired you."
"Well... **** him," said Dave.
"I did..." said Marilyn. "...you're back at work on Monday"
- Banned
- #2,493
Why aren't Public Servants allowed to sit and look out the window in the morning?
Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
Someone argued with me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. I disagreed and threw at coconut at his head!
- Oct 16, 2011
- 15,336
- 38,055
- AFL Club
- Adelaide
I lost two things last night.
My virginity and my job at the morgue.
My virginity and my job at the morgue.
- Mar 30, 2013
- 3,048
- 4,523
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- Fremantle
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- VFL
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, I can make the boss give me the day off.
The man replies, And how would you do that?
The woman says, Just wait and see. She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, What are you doing? The woman replies, I'm a light bulb.
The boss then says, You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, Where are you going? The man says I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
The man replies, And how would you do that?
The woman says, Just wait and see. She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, What are you doing? The woman replies, I'm a light bulb.
The boss then says, You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, Where are you going? The man says I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
- Thread starter
- Banned
- #2,499
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'!!
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FFS woman don't you ever let up?"
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'!!
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FFS woman don't you ever let up?"
- Mar 30, 2013
- 3,048
- 4,523
- AFL Club
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- VFL
Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.
A: Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.
