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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
 
God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt,
:pottytrain2:
pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven”, said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it at Woolworth’s either.”
 

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I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet and as I walked past the bedroom window, I noticed that a swarthy guy, who looked like a Syrian refugee, was sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden!

Suddenly my neighbour came out of nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly... Then, as I stood transfixed, he dug a grave, dragged the body into it and filled it in.

Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said, "You're shaking, what happened, are you alright..?" "You're never gonna believe what I've just seen" I said,
"...that prick next door has still got my shovel..!
 
Received some sad news today.

After 6 years of medical training, a good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now he can now longer work in the job that he loves.
What a waste of time and money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.
 

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What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy during her period?

You get your palm read for free.
 
An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams,it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."'

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains.
 
I criticised police on the crime forums and was told to take two months off to think about it. That's not my joke, that's why I'm here.

Anyway...two Irish cowboys go into a wild west saloon and see a sign saying "Two bucks for every american indian scalp.
The pair ride off and soon find themselves in a canyon surrounded by hundreds of indians.
Shite said one, let's get outa here.
Don't be silly, said the other, we're going to be rich!
 
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