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Tom Hanks survived 4 years on an island as a castaway

He spent a year in an airport without being able to leave
Caught AIDS in Philadelphia
He was in World War II and rescued Private Ryan;
He went to Vietnam and rescued Lieutenant Dan
Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates
Survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the Moon
Landed a Boeing on the Hudson River
If that son of a bitch dies of coronavirus , we are ALL IN BIG TROUBLE!
 
A wife was standing naked in front of a mirror and not happy with what she saw.

"I feel so fat and ugly. My breasts are saggy, my arse is huge and my thighs are covered in cellulite."
She turned to her husband desperately needing some reassurance.
After an awkward silence he offered......... "Well dear, at least your eyesight is still perfect."
 
A post from a woman on Facebook:

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
 
Doctor to Gambler: Do you want the good news or bad news first?
Gambler: May as well start with the bad:
Dr: You have a disease that is fatal for 90% of people.
Gambler: That's awful. What's the good news then?
Dr: The last 9 patients I treated all died.
 
The Police chased after a well known thief named Harry Fukbrake. After chasing him through the CBD they saw him enter they saw him enter a factory.

Upon arriving the Police went straight up to the Foreman and stated: "Right there must be a Fukbrake somewhere in here."
"Christ" replied the foreman "Who runs your union? We only just lobbied for a 15 minute tea break."
 
Run n Spread said:
The Police chased after a well known thief named Harry Fukbrake. After chasing him through the CBD they saw him enter they saw him enter a factory.

Upon arriving the Police went straight up to the Foreman and stated: "Right there must be a Fukbrake somewhere in here."
"Christ" replied the foreman "Who runs your union? We only just lobbied for a 15 minute tea break."
Click to expand...
Wow , that took me back 50+ years and the adventures of Fukerarda
 
A man goes up to the used car dealer:
Remember that car you sold me last week? The one you said was driven by a little old lady on Sundays only?
"Yes" replied the salesman cautiously.
"Well can you give me her number?" I checked the boot and glove box out and found 2 empty bottles of gin, an 8 ball of coke, a silk bra and a G String.
 
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