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philreich said:
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I tried to put this pic on Facebook and they banned it saying pornography is prohibited blah blah blah... i didnt realise his hand was in his pants but pffft who cares

Edit... there is a similar one with his hand in his pants instead of the controller.

Maybe someone has Photoshopped it

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A Farmers daughter answers the door to be greeted by her stern farmer neighbour.

"Young Lady I need to speak to your father"

"Ohh" she says knowing what this is about, "You must be here about our Grand Angus Bull Rocky. It is $10 000 and we can have his registration papers immediatly.

"No I need to see your father."

"Look you can take a look at Jake our youngest bull. We don't have his papers but he is cabable of breeding 20 cows a season.

"Listen young lady your brother has got our daughter pregnant and I demand to know what your father will do about it."

"Ohh" says the farmers daughter confused "You can go. I'm pretty sure we don't charge for Frank,"
 

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This is the only magic trick I have been able to master. This is a great trick to show off to your friends. If you watch the instructional video carefully, I'm sure that with a little practice you can master it.
 
joke_sneezy_4f07bc6bd310065604ae5260d6867f09b093d19b.jpg
 
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...I have
an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of
that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never
misses a season. One day, he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella
by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his
umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".
 
Last edited:
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a check-up. The man goes in
first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.

"Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in
control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to
pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into
the next room to check on the man's wife.
"How're you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy
and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are
both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets
up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you
have any idea what he means?"
"It means," says the woman, "the stupid old bastard's peeing in the
refrigerator again."
 
Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get
vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put
on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's
gown and begins to masturbate him.
Shocked, he says, "What the hell are you doing?"
To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a
clean procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes
and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the
nurse turns to him, he is quite ready for his turn. To his
surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to
give him a blow job.

The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it that I get
a hand job and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, my dear sir, is the difference between Medicare and
private insurance !
 

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My mate Deano to this day is skeptical of clairvoyants.

He visited one as a young man during a holiday in Europe. During the session she trots out a familiar line,"You will come into Money!"

Two nights later he met his future wife, Penny, at a London nightclub.
 
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“s**t!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground.

“This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!”

When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses.

“s**t, this is going to be a long crawl home!”

It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp.

As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him.

“Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and...”

“Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
 
Little Known Fact About WWII.

Exclusive pictures of the 1939-1945 Rock Paper Scissors Championship!


1939-1945 Championship


Churchill.jpg
Winston Churchill uses scissors.​
Hitler.jpg
Hitler plays paper, ultimately forfeiting World War II​
 
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f.. are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
 
Sam Newman, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Sam is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Sam looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Sam can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

”It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, Sam man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, Sam goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

Sam can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . ." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.










"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"
 
CliffMcTainshaw said:
Sam Newman, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Sam is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Sam looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Sam can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

”It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, Sam man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, Sam goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

Sam can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . ." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
Click to expand...
Saw it coming

Still laughed
 
While on his morning walk, Prime Minister ScoMo falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the
accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself.
He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven.
Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies ScoMo.
"I'm sorry ... but we have our rules," Peter interjects.
And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful
club-house.
Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberal luminaries and Party icons who had helped him out over the years or been a influence on his political career ---Harold Holt, John Gorton, Billy McMahon, Malcolm Fraser, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there ... everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to ScoMo with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Scott!"
"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says ScoMo, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"
ScoMo takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who
tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST, the Free Trade Agreement, Children Overboard and the Grant Affair.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as ScoMo steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to
visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours ScoMo is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank , marketing joke or religious joke among them.
No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are
all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "John Howard and Tony Abbott never prepared me for this!"
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose
where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, ScoMo reflects for a minute ... then answers:
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to ScoMo and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked ScoMo, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Scott, yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
 
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CliffMcTainshaw said:
Sam Newman, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Sam is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Sam looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, Sam can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

”It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, Sam man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, Sam goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes.

Sam can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . ." he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.










"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"
Click to expand...
I read his parts in Sams Voice "Chriiist Ed!"

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