Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

Sep 21, 2004
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"Can you go and check upstairs, I don't think the baby monitor is working. " Said my girlfriend.

So I went upstairs, "Can you hear me, " I called through the monitor,

"Yes. " She answered.

"It is working then, " I replied, "what do you want me to do with the dead baby?"
I LoL'd then sort of went hooo geez

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CliffMcTainshaw

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well he said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it, it's a f---ing ars-hole"!!
 

CliffMcTainshaw

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Why Are Men Happier?

Men are just happier people; what do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too yucky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000. Morning Suit rental-$300.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $9.99 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
 
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CliffMcTainshaw

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With the relaxation of the current lockdown rules I decide to get out and visit the new zoo that has just opened nearby.
There was only a dog. It was a Shih Tzu
 
Sep 21, 2004
36,628
25,289
Adel - SA - Aust - Earth
AFL Club
West Coast
Other Teams
Norwood & Liverpool.
Why Are Men Happier?

Men are just happier people; what do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too yucky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000. Morning Suit rental-$300.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $9.99 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
I was waiting for the punch line

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CliffMcTainshaw

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With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded Car Parks, especially during evening hours, Melbourne City Council has established a "Women Only" car park near the City Centre.​
Even the car park attendants and security staff are exclusively female, so that a comfortable….and very safe…….. environment is created for the ladies.

No men are allowed any where near the car park but a local photographer managed to snap a shot for the Melbourne Times….. at great personal risk !​

1590654320468.png
 
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Not seen this much trouble because of one knee since the Mills/McCartney divorce.
Yeah after that divorce Paul said he's never going down on one-knee again.
 

CliffMcTainshaw

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When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in
a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the
students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor
then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the
jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar
was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then
produced two stubbies of beer from under the table and poured the entire
contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls
are the important things-your family, your children, your health, your
friends, and your favourite passions-things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the
other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand
is everything else-the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first,
he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same
goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay
attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner
Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the
disposal." Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired
what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just
goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room for a couple of beers with a friend."
 

raskolnikov

Cancelled
10k Posts 30k Posts Wordler Werewolf Player Essendon Player Sponsor 2021 - Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti and Archie Perkins Essendon Player Sponsor 2020 Essendon Player Sponsor 2019 Song Contest Winner - 5+ Rounds
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 

CliffMcTainshaw

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A tree falls onto Scott Morrison’s fence, destroying it. He contacts three fencing contractors to get quotes to get the fence rebuilt. All three turn up to give their quotes. The first contractor takes out his tape measure and does some measuring, then does some figures using a calculator. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will be about $1,500. $700 for materials, $700 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The second contractor also does his measuring and calculations with pencil and paper and then says, "I can do this job for $1,200. $600 for materials, $500 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The third contractor doesn't measure or do any calculations, but leans over to Scot and whispers, "$3,200." Scott is incredulous, and says, "You didn't measure anything like the other blokes did and I didn’t see you working out any costs! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The third contractor leans over and whispers in Scott’s ear, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the second guy to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies Scot. “I like your thinking, that’s exactly how I'll get the new economic stimulus plan working”.
 

CliffMcTainshaw

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At the end of the sex education class the teacher announces. “Don’t forget that tomorrow you will be doing your final exam on the work we have been covering over the term”.
She tells them that there will be no excuse for failing to show up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family all of which will require a doctors certificate as proof.
The class clown at the back of the room asks loudly "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class dissolves into laughter. The teacher waits until all the laughter and snickering subsides
All eyes are now on the teacher. She looks sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, smiles sweetly and says, "You can write with your other hand then."
 
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