Perfect long term relationships that go sour

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You got to focus on yourself and making sure you are as close to being 100% the real you as possible.

I'm 40. Been living in QLD for over 3 years.

Messy divorce in SA - pretty much lost everything. Have a 12 year old son (13 in January) i haven't seen in 5 years.

Was on anti depressants for 6 months. Couldn't talk to him, write to him, send him b'day or Xmas presents. Couldn't go to his footy games, school concerts, athletics day, swimming day etc. I'm allowed to take a Xmas card (not sealed) which goes to the school counsellor who proofreads it then calls him into her office then what he does with it i don't know. I can write a short letter and include a photo but i have to take all the emotion out of it (which is hard).

She still thinks i'm the devil and a horrible father and will tell anyone she comes in contact with how "horrible and evil" i am. But that's her problem. I'm not angry. Just disappointed. At least she has to admit that boy is ME. My hair, my eyes, my blood type, my name, i named him. When she looks at him she sees ME and she probably hates it.

My folks and brothers live in the same town and they haven't run into her or him in the street. I couldn't handle it and knew for my welfare i had to move. Went to NT then when business who i worked for got sold moved to Brisbane and haven't regretted it.

Everyday isn't easy. Xmas and Father's Day is horrible. I don't open my Xmas presents until January nor do i ring home. Just too hard emotionally. Employers are wonderful and look after me. Great counselling service they make available to us.

It's been 5 years and i'm finally almost me again. I've been a Lions member for 2 years and enjoyed going to the footy and out socially. I'm starting a running program in December and umpiring next year (locally) to get fit and do more social stuff.

And i'm ready to date. Had a few dalliances and FWB in the last couple of years but ready to test the waters again. A good... no GREAT woman will understand we all have baggage. As long as we don't compare new partners to others or dwell on the past you can make a future. You respect people's lives and what they have been through. You respect their father if they have children. You respect the kids.

People ask "how can you be positive after everything that's happened?". Easy. You only get one life. Live it. At 40 i can still find love and have another child. Or find a partner i can be with for the rest of my life. If when the time comes and my son is old enough to decide for himself and he sticks his hand out i'll take it. If i stick mine out to reach for him and he doesn't respond it's OK. I will understand. There's not playing dwelling on it or thinking 'What if" - it's just a waste of emotional thought and energy.

For the first time in a long time i'm think i'm the MOST me i can be.

Never give up blokes!!!!!.
 
Hawker_85 said:
I don't really have anywhere else to take this but I need to vent/get an outside opinion. I'm currently engaged, my partner and I have been together for seven years. We met in Canberra, where we were both studying. Things were great while we were in Canberra, we had a lot in common and we loved each other. She told me after a while that she had experienced depression and anxiety in the past and it was something that would come up now and then, but we managed it together when it did.

When we both graduated we ended up getting jobs in Sydney (her home town) so we moved in together in an apartment in the city. I worked out west so I had a fairly long commute each day and I went to the gym religiously after work so I would leave home around 6 am and get home around 7 pm. She was working in the city, only a couple of train stops away from our place. Our daily routine would be that I would get home from work/gym, she would be on the computer playing ******* world of warcraft, more often than not I would cook dinner, we would eat and watch tv or she would continue to play WoW (raiding or whatever, I don't play the game) I would play some xbox, do some of my postgraduate uni work or chores like my laundry (between work uniforms and gym gear I generate a heap of laundry.)

One afternoon while I was at work I got a call from the police asking me if I knew where my partner was. Obviously her employer hadn't heard from her and was concerned enough to make the call to the cops, and they called me as of course if something bad had happened to her then chances were it was her partner that did it. I responded with "well, as far as I am aware she is at work." So of course I flew into a panic because if she wasn't at work I didn't know where she was or if something terrible had happened to her or what. I tried calling her, no answer. I told my boss I had to go because the cops had called me looking for my partner, I got home and she wasn't there. I am frantically calling her at this point, until she finally answers, she had left our apartment because she obviously knew that I would be rushing home and she didn't want to face me. Turns out she had been calling in sick, staying at home because of her mental illness and playing WoW because that made her feel better. I was pretty angry that she had lied to me and that she had let it get to the point that the police had to call me, she apologised and said she wouldn't let it happen again. During this point we also racked up massive credit card debt because she wasn't making any money and she was paying the bills that she was responsible for (I paid the rent so she had the other stuff) with my credit card. I know I should have been paying more attention to my finances, and I'm still paying that debt off, but I'm now making six figures so it's under control.

12 months later, we had moved out west to save me driving so far and she was taking the train to get to work as she worked right next to the station in the city. I dropped home one day because I had forgotten my lunch, the computer is turned on, WoW is playing, but she is nowhere to be seen. I look around the house, turns out she is hiding from me in the spare bedroom because she doesn't want to tell me the truth about what is going on. I considered ending the relationship there. Then work ended up transferring me to Albury Wodonga for two years, she stayed in Sydney so I made the drive to and from home for weekends over that time. Things seemed to get better, probably the time apart made things seem better when we were together. God only knows how much work she skipped during those two years.

I'm now back in Sydney, and recently I just got a gut feel that something was off. I came home at lunch because I forgot to grab my food out of the fridge and she was there, told me that she had called in sick. I've gotten home a few times earlier than expected and she has been there, she gives me some excuse about "leaving work at lunch time" or whatever. I checked her browser history the other day (not a move I'm proud of, but at this point warranted I think) and nearly every week day for the past fortnight has history starting at 9 - 10 am, googling world of warcraft related stuff. The other days the browser history start at 2 pm or so, so she may have gone to work that morning but who knows.

On an unrelated note, I really try and look after myself, eat well, go to the gym all the time. Her weight has ballooned pretty much since we moved in together, she constantly eats crap in front of the computer, she pays for a gym membership (and partially justified buying a brand new car by saying she could use it to get to the gym) I've spent thousands built a gym in our garage including a concept 2 rower that she said she really wanted (but I've gotten a bunch of use out of, so that's a bonus) but none of it has made any difference. I really think that her weight is making her depression worse, and I can't seem to get her to break out of this downward spiral she is on. I've tried the kid gloves approach, I've tried the leading by example approach, I've tried being frank, hell, I've tried being harsh. Writing all of this down now makes the decisions that I've made in the past to stay in this relationship seem insane. The rest of my life is going great, I get rave performance reviews at work,my studies are going well, but I'm at my wits end with this relationship, I feel like I can't trust a word she says any more. I'm sorry for this wall of text, and if no-one reads it or responds that's fine, it's been cathartic to write all of this out.
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hope it all works out how you want it too.

i wanna know if she ever commuted to you though, when you moved.

also if your commute to work was a fair distance, wouldn't it take all of your lunch break to collect your lunch ?
 

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Shell said:
Thats why I said "people" Billy. Not guys ;)

God i remember a time when breaking up via text was considered terrible. Or phone. Now its just "nup dont wanna see you again, stop talking and calling you". ****ing shithouse hope there's karma out there for these types..
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Shell said:
No, its means not breaking up at all. Just dropping off the face of the planet and never talking to them again.
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I have been ghosted on more than one occasion in my life (yes I know I know going by my Bigfooty persona... that shouldn't be surprising :p). It's not the best feeling in the world that's for sure. I've been told various things where people that do it, do it so they DON'T hurt the person they are doing it to. But saying nothing leaving people guessing is worse than being told "sorry I don't see it working out" or something to that degree.
 
GotTheGoodes said:
I'm currently going through a pretty rough trot with my wife, not sure if it's all done and dusted or not, but the last month has made me re-evaluate myself like I haven't before and one thing I think I've learnt is to control what you can control and let go of the rest. It's only as long a battle as you think it is. I think trying to be the best version of yourself allows what will be to be. Without guilt. Without expectation. Without regret.

So I guess, my advice (to myself & anyone else willing to listen) would be to take it day by day, enjoy yourself and realise you can only control what you can control - No need to fret on the things you can't control. Live your life and enjoy yourself as much as those around you and you'll never be alone.
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It would've been our wedding anniversary this week. A year ago she asked for a divorce (formally anyway).

But here I am... That strange moment a year later after taking my own advice. Happier, healthier & with a greater sense of self. I feel strong, peaceful & happy again. It's so strange.

There's been hiccups & down periods. But I have great friends & family. They don't understand how much they help. I'm so grateful to them. This includes my BF family & friends. BF is so good for distracting/talking/joking/listening/memeing etc.

It's been a great year. Looking forward to finally being done with that old life & finding my way in this cool happy new life!
 
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My partner left me 2 months ago, after 12 years. I didn’t see it coming because I could never imagine it happening. It was my worst fear, beyond all else. We had been living overseas and interstate for some years. We don’t have kids and I’m in my early 30’s. She was my world, my life and my love…and now she’s gone. I did everything I could for her.

The last year had been stressful for both of us for many reasons but I thought we could make it better but obviously now that can’t happen.

I cried for two weeks straight after it happened. I’m not as crying as much as I was but, its hard at work, I’ve been back a fortnight but feel like crying every minute, but I’m holding it together, because I have to I guess…

I feel like I’m in a prison for life…I still can’t believe it, I think I’m still in shock and disbelief. I haven’t seen her since. It would destroy me to see her but it’s destroying me not being able to…

My friends have family have been good support, but the realisation is just dawning on me now. I just don't know what to do...
 
You dont know it but you have already started to do something. Telling people. Thats hard and by posting here you have shared your pain and grief. We get it. Some of us have dealt with it differently and others the same way. But we all talked it out

Dont ever feel you cant say how much it hurts, dont ever think we dont care , we do. If you feel its getting too hard , message one of us and let it all out.

Today , tomorrow
 
sorry dude

the only thing I can offer to you is to keep talking it out. every little bit is part of the road to recovery. that is what this is. don't be afraid to talk.
 
Thanks all, one of the hardest parts is just the relentless dreams I have about her every night, mostly in the guise of her not being with me, her with other people, me trying to get back with her... then I wake up and the nightmares are reality. The constant thoughts during the day of what I should have done for this not to happen. The guilt of not being better.

The hardest part is thinking, knowing that's she's moved on and doesn't love me anymore...
 

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deedog2 said:
I just wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
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Your pain tho is quite different tho from what i just described.

Honestly good luck for the future. No other words of advice from me ive never been in a relationship that long to have any idea what youre going thru.
 
Shell said:
Your pain tho is quite different tho from what i just described.

Honestly good luck for the future. No other words of advice from me ive never been in a relationship that long to have any idea what youre going thru.
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Thanks. If you do have anything long term, even a year or so, just don't ignore possible issues. I always avoided conflict, letting her know how I really felt about something because I just wanted her to be happy and I was petrified of her leaving me if I did raise anything.
 
Similar thing happened to me. Came from nowhere. Was gutted.

Just know with time it passes and you will move on. Yes it’ll hurt for a while but be steadfast in the knowledge it will end.

5 years later and I’m with a new lady, new home and happier than I have ever been. I Don’t think about the ex now.
 
Yakker said:
Similar thing happened to me. Came from nowhere. Was gutted.

Just know with time it passes and you will move on. Yes it’ll hurt for a while but be steadfast in the knowledge it will end.

5 years later and I’m with a new lady, new home and happier than I have ever been. I Don’t think about the ex now.
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Thanks mate. I just can't see a way forward. She's all I had and now I have nothing
 
Going through a bit of counselling at the moment. Been together 16 years and got 2 young kids. Moved countries to be with her. They are my life and I think we'll be ok but some things to sort out. Guess I've been showing love in the wrong ways because my wife says she hasn't felt loved for a little while. No big yelling or screaming matches and we're talking and sorting through it so I guess that's a good sign. Got to admit that I'm pretty scared though.
 
deedog2 said:
Thanks mate. I just can't see a way forward. She's all I had and now I have nothing
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Impunity! said:
You have so much more than you realise mate
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This is absolutely spot on. If you are looking for advice to get through this and remember life goes on. Look to put your energies into friends, family and bettering yourself. Understand what interests you. Take up a hobby, preferably outdoors and/or active (fishing, surfing, gym, lawn bowls anything). If you want to move on then you need to make that happen. You can't keep wallowing in your pain mate. Make a conscious effort to move forward.

It is tough but you can do it.

Keep us updated with progress and please reach out if you need help.
 
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