Perfect long term relationships that go sour

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Glacier

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Unfortunately I'm at my lowest so far. I think my friends and family can only take so much of my bleeding heart...i just feel so utterly alone...
I believe there is someone out there
Someone who helps me laugh, holds me when I cry
Who stands with me in hard times and is beside me even when I don't even know in myself that I need them
I believe my heart belongs to that person, whoever they are, wherever they are
I believe
 

Catfish Alley

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The ups and downs of this are getting a bit tiresome. Had a really nice family vacation just last week. Wife still wants some space though and wants to spend time focusing on ourselves as individuals. Doesn't sound so bad I guess. I mean, she does say she loves me and divorce is not on her mind. It's just in my nature to analyze and want to fix and get back to normal straight away. She believes normal just needs to change a little and the marriage needs to evolve. I think I've screwed up a bit by perhaps over-thinking and asking lots of questions and trying to do everything. Just backing off is hard. Focusing on myself is difficult too.
 

Yakker

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The ups and downs of this are getting a bit tiresome. Had a really nice family vacation just last week. Wife still wants some space though and wants to spend time focusing on ourselves as individuals. Doesn't sound so bad I guess. I mean, she does say she loves me and divorce is not on her mind. It's just in my nature to analyze and want to fix and get back to normal straight away. She believes normal just needs to change a little and the marriage needs to evolve. I think I've screwed up a bit by perhaps over-thinking and asking lots of questions and trying to do everything. Just backing off is hard. Focusing on myself is difficult too.
Go fishing :)
 

Angus Young

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I believe there is someone out there
Someone who helps me laugh, holds me when I cry
Who stands with me in hard times and is beside me even when I don't even know in myself that I need them
I believe my heart belongs to that person, whoever they are, wherever they are
I believe
settle down big fella...farkk

From that post I feel like you're placing all your happiness on a women.... dangerous move son

The older you get you will realise that love only lasts so long and it fades over time regardless.

Meanwhile try and find happiness in other things and love may come or it may not... just don't make it the be and end all or you're gona be one miserable campaigner.
 

Glacier

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settle down big fella...farkk

From that post I feel like you're placing all your happiness on a women.... dangerous move son

The older you get you will realise that love only lasts so long and it fades over time regardless.

Meanwhile try and find happiness in other things and love may come or it may not... just don't make it the be and end all or you're gona be one miserable campaigner.
Nah
It was in response to an earlier poster
For me, I'm starting to enjoy being on my own
 

Catfish Alley

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Well, crap. Going through a kind of separation at the moment. Not sure how extreme or the details but we need to hash it out. At the moment she can't see herself having a long-term future together but wants to work on ourselves and doesn't want to think about divorce yet. Still going to be going to counselling but I'm not sure if it's futile at this point. She's unsure but wants to see. I want to push and push and talk it out but afraid that will drive her (or most likely me) right out the door. In a tough spot at the moment and not coping too well. I understand the best thing right now would be to let go a bit and focus on myself. So hard though.
 

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Yakker

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Well, crap. Going through a kind of separation at the moment. Not sure how extreme or the details but we need to hash it out. At the moment she can't see herself having a long-term future together but wants to work on ourselves and doesn't want to think about divorce yet. Still going to be going to counselling but I'm not sure if it's futile at this point. She's unsure but wants to see. I want to push and push and talk it out but afraid that will drive her (or most likely me) right out the door. In a tough spot at the moment and not coping too well. I understand the best thing right now would be to let go a bit and focus on myself. So hard though.
Yes it's a tough one. I commend you in your mature approach to it all. If it does all go to shit mate it's not the end of the world. Honestly I reckon if you have stated clearly how much you love her and she knows that give her her space. Go and spend time on what you want to do and bettering yourself. She will either work out she wants to be with you (bit of the old absence makes the heart grow fonder) or she will move on. You will only push her away by being clingy. Go do some stuff you have wanted to do for a while. Travel up north and go fishing lol

It'll work out one way or the other and you will get through it.
 

Catfish Alley

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Thank you. She just emailed me and said she'd like a proper separation and to live apart. I just asked her what she hoped to get out of it. I guess I don't have much other option now.
 

Yakker

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Thank you. She just emailed me and said she'd like a proper separation and to live apart. I just asked her what she hoped to get out of it. I guess I don't have much other option now.
That's shit mate and I feel for you!

My advice based on experience -
The worst thing you can do is beg and plead. State clearly you love her and will give her time and if she wants to talk you will be there.

Then step back. GIVE HER ROOM. Go do your own thing and when I say own thing I don't mean go do stuff, post it on FB and hope she sees it and wants you back. I mean put time into you and understanding yourself and what you like outside your marriage. If you are out of shape get fit. The old saying healthy body healthy mind is true.

Mate it's tough and it will take time to heal but heal you will I can assure you. My situation worked out perfectly. I did all of the above and she never came back. Barley spoke to me, but it turned out she had moved on well before she "moved out". Hopefully your lady really just needs some space but perhaps she has already moved on emotionally and she has just been building to the point where she can say it. You won't change it if you have actively been discussing your issues, doing counselling and working on it and she has made this decision.

This may sound harsh but I am just relaying my experience. 6 years later I am with a lady who makes me feel better than my ex ever did and I am happier now than I have ever been. Yes it was tough at first but you need to think of you and make sure you are ok.

PM me if you need to. We are here for you.
 
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Likewise Catfish Alley. PM away! If I can help then go for it mate.

My ex just "suddenly" wanted space & "just a short break". She said she loved me & wanted to work on it. Her actions didn't mimic her words & a few months later she ended up not wanting to come back. I find out a year or so later that she had shacked up with some bloke a handful of weeks after wanting "just a short break" (which is around the exact time she confirmed she wanted a seperation & divorce) :rolleyes:

She knew the moment she left she wasn't coming back but wanted me to end it for her (I think). She had been preparing for months for it & moved on pretty much straight away. I was blindsided & thus shocked. I went through the months of trying to win her back, trying to fix things, trying to talk... she'd already made her mind up months ago. Well before she left & well before she told me. So my point is this;

The most important thing right now is you. You are the most important person in your life. Your future self will thank you later for focusing on you now. Not your relationship. Not her. You. Be selfish now. Work around your issues. Do things you love. Out of this horrible situation you can build a better you. It's really really hard. But the best way forward is facing forward & not backwards.

Bloody horrible situation but I hope you get through it as best you can mate.
 

Catfish Alley

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So, I actually ended up back at home pretty quickly. Things need to change obviously because we’ve been in this loop for a while. I’ve been a bit passive so stepping up and saying what I need seems to have had an impact.

Neither of us want a divorce. There were things from years ago that we just never addressed and they simmered under the surface. The last couple of days is the most open we have been with each other for quite a while. We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted but for now there seems hope. The past few days though have taught me that I’ll be fine no matter what.
 

Yakker

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Likewise Catfish Alley. PM away! If I can help then go for it mate.

My ex just "suddenly" wanted space & "just a short break". She said she loved me & wanted to work on it. Her actions didn't mimic her words & a few months later she ended up not wanting to come back. I find out a year or so later that she had shacked up with some bloke a handful of weeks after wanting "just a short break" (which is around the exact time she confirmed she wanted a seperation & divorce) :rolleyes:

She knew the moment she left she wasn't coming back but wanted me to end it for her (I think). She had been preparing for months for it & moved on pretty much straight away. I was blindsided & thus shocked. I went through the months of trying to win her back, trying to fix things, trying to talk... she'd already made her mind up months ago. Well before she left & well before she told me. So my point is this;

The most important thing right now is you. You are the most important person in your life. Your future self will thank you later for focusing on you now. Not your relationship. Not her. You. Be selfish now. Work around your issues. Do things you love. Out of this horrible situation you can build a better you. It's really really hard. But the best way forward is facing forward & not backwards.

Bloody horrible situation but I hope you get through it as best you can mate.

Ha ha ha it's funny isn't it. I came home one day and mine said we are done after 15 years of marriage. Completely out of the blue. Didn't want counselling, didn't want trial separation, just boom, we are done. Told me there was no one else but funnily enough she had had some quality alone time in Melb by herself two weeks prior. Within a month of her departure I find she was seeing her ex boyfriend who was Melb based.... hmmmm a little fishy but I was assured this wasn't the case. PPPpfffft yeah right! Anyway, turns out he was a prick so she ended that one and decided a lovely man from the USA was the go. Went through hell with her convincing the 4 kids that living in USA was living in paradise and they all threatened to disown me if I wouldn't sign paperwork for them to leave. At the last minute Mr USA had a reality check and said to her she can come but not the kids so that went to shit too. Now she's with a narcacistic sociopath who has brain washed her to the point all the kids bar one have left her to live with me and have disowned her. The youngest one will make the move too shortly I'd say.

It's funny, you think you know someone and are convinced they are as committed to you as you are to them but they can just leave it all so easily. I put it down to a midlife crisis for her.

Anyway, worked out for the best. I am with a top lady now and we have a great life together. Wouldn't have the ex back if you gave me 40 million dollars.
 
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So, I actually ended up back at home pretty quickly. Things need to change obviously because we’ve been in this loop for a while. I’ve been a bit passive so stepping up and saying what I need seems to have had an impact.

Neither of us want a divorce. There were things from years ago that we just never addressed and they simmered under the surface. The last couple of days is the most open we have been with each other for quite a while. We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted but for now there seems hope. The past few days though have taught me that I’ll be fine no matter what.
That sounds really positive mate. Talk it out as much as possible mate. Hopefully, no matter the outcome in terms of the relationship, you can walk out of this knowing yourself & being an even better version than before.

All the best.
 
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