Perfect long term relationships that go sour

Thistle

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Nothing can replace the joy of having kids if that is what you want. It will be a regret later in life.
Oh god, mate... :( I'll share my experience with you. Because I AM also that woman who doesn't want children. And your situation is the exact one I've always wanted to avoid because in my opinion it only leads to resentment. Having kids is life-changing and therefore can't be treated lightly. Throughout my dating life I've made sure the kids thing is brought up sooner rather than later, and depending on the conversation it has even been mentioned on a first date before! There was a guy I met on Tinder once who wanted to meet up. But we got talking one day and he mentioned how he really wanted children. I told him, what's the point of meeting up when it realistically can't go anywhere?!? On some dating sites you can show whether you want children or not which was helpful. But frustrating. The amount of men who wanted kids made me rather depressed lol. I just couldn't go there, no matter how much the guy otherwise seemed compatible. I wouldn't want him to resent me, or feel like there was something missing. I didn't want to take that away from somebody or deny him of the opportunity to have a family if it was something he really wanted in life. It's something that you can't really compromise on.

My current relationship is a long distance one (I'm in Adelaide he's in Melbourne), which made it even more difficult to know when to bring up kids haha. But I did and we had a good chat about it. He's undecided, which is better than him wanting them, but still makes me wary. But I told him all my reasons etc. He even said my opinions about it were swaying him (into the not having kids category). That wasn't my intention but some people don't think about certain things I guess. I think he thinks not liking kids is akin to maturity (which I disagree with) and he says "maybe I'll grow up one day". He's 32 lol. Anyway. He knows what he's in for.

My boss at work knew someone once, he was married to a really lovely woman and they had said they both didn't want kids. One day, he changed his mind. She didn't. So they got divorced :( But now they have both remarried and the guy has a kid with his new wife.

As much as it pains me to say it, if this is something you simply cannot look past, then the best course is to part ways :( You don't want to wait around just in case she changes her mind (which is unlikely). Luckily for men, you have time on your side because men can have kids at almost any age whereas it's more difficult for women.
I really feel for you, mate. I wish I had something more positive to impart :( also I'm sorry this was so long! GOOD LUCK.
Yep, got to say I agree. You’d be better off ending it sooner rather than later.

How old are you? It is definitely possible she could change her mind if still pretty young. You should have a proper chat about it though.
Thanks for the replies, and I sadly I agree. I'm 27 and she's a year younger so some silver lining is that we have a little time on our sides.

We've had chats from early on about our family expectations so we've always known how we feel. And while she has never liked kids she has always thought there may come a time where the idea of having her own may eventually appeal to her. However over time it's become apparent that it's incredibly unlikely that she will ever feel this way. It's simply heartbreaking to think that if we were on the same page about this there's a very high chance we would spend the rest of our days extremely happy together :(

Life sucks sometimes.
 

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por_please_ya

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Thanks for the replies, and I sadly I agree. I'm 27 and she's a year younger so some silver lining is that we have a little time on our sides.

We've had chats from early on about our family expectations so we've always known how we feel. And while she has never liked kids she has always thought there may come a time where the idea of having her own may eventually appeal to her. However over time it's become apparent that it's incredibly unlikely that she will ever feel this way. It's simply heartbreaking to think that if we were on the same page about this there's a very high chance we would spend the rest of our days extremely happy together :(

Life sucks sometimes.
I'm really sorry, mate :( Especially as it sounds like you're compatible in every other way. But as I said, I think it's important for people to be on the same page re kids. I also think the reverse happens a lot - men who don't really want kids but their partners do, and they give in. Neither scenario is fair.
All the best!
 

deedog2

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I messaged Billy Ray this recently...

She told me she was in a new relationship... and then I learn second hand shortly after that she is also engaged... Eight months after leaving me...

My friends have talked me into going to a GP to get a psychiatrist meeting and then start some form of medication... because I'm absolutely ******...

I hope none of you, nor anyone that you Know goes through anything like this...
 

Catfish Alley

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I messaged Billy Ray this recently...

She told me she was in a new relationship... and then I learn second hand shortly after that she is also engaged... Eight months after leaving me...

My friends have talked me into going to a GP to get a psychiatrist meeting and then start some form of medication... because I'm absolutely ******...

I hope none of you, nor anyone that you Know goes through anything like this...
That sucks. It really does. I’m sorry that’s happened to you.

I’m obviously not close to the situation but perhaps it doesn’t need to be so ‘clinical’. Maybe rather than a psychiatrist and drugs just have a chat to a counsellor. Even try and talk to those friends you mentioned. It will help.

The two of you were never one being. Find yourself, get back to knowing that guy and look after him.
 

Glacier

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I’ve just been through an attempted mediation with my ex over getting a proper parental plan in place
All she wanted to talk about was us, including that we should go to a relationship counseller
It’s been 15 months
The mediators themselves took me in another room, shrugged their shoulders and said “ she thinks and wants to still own you”
It can be a total nightmare
 

Perth gal

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I messaged Billy Ray this recently...

She told me she was in a new relationship... and then I learn second hand shortly after that she is also engaged... Eight months after leaving me...

My friends have talked me into going to a GP to get a psychiatrist meeting and then start some form of medication... because I'm absolutely ******...

I hope none of you, nor anyone that you Know goes through anything like this...
I'm sorry mate, I truly hope you can move on.
 

iDon

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Have met a fantastic girl last 6 months. It's been really great but boy the expectation for me to apologise when I do something or still try and make it seem like its my fault when she does something wrong. gosh head scratcher.
 

deedog2

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Have met a fantastic girl last 6 months. It's been really great but boy the expectation for me to apologise when I do something or still try and make it seem like its my fault when she does something wrong. gosh head scratcher.
Hey mate, best advice I can give from what I've learnt is talk about how you're feeling.

As I've said in here verbatim, for years I didn't, because I was petrified she would leave me on a whim if I did. Turns out that by hiding everything, my anxieties, concerns et al... it all meant our relationship broke down.

It may not work out if you do this, but at 34 life has taught me that sometimes things are what they are, and what will be, will be. ..
 

deedog2

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hey deedog2 , how you going buddy? have you started meds?
Thanks for asking man, I'm ok, better than I was I guess. 10 weeks into meds, they have worked, but there have been some physical side effects which I'll speak to my pysch about. May have to change/lower dosage etc.

Met someone. Few dates. Early days, she's nice. Did have a John and Yoko bed in though...
 

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Smoooothy

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Thanks for asking man, I'm ok, better than I was I guess. 10 weeks into meds, they have worked, but there have been some physical side effects which I'll speak to my pysch about. May have to change/lower dosage etc.

Met someone. Few dates. Early days, she's nice. Did have a John and Yoko bed in though...
awesome mate :thumbsu:
 

Engimal v3

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Thanks for asking man, I'm ok, better than I was I guess. 10 weeks into meds, they have worked, but there have been some physical side effects which I'll speak to my pysch about. May have to change/lower dosage etc.

Met someone. Few dates. Early days, she's nice. Did have a John and Yoko bed in though...
That's awesome, good for you mate.
 

CheapCharlie

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Article from Fairfax today....

"I'd be lying if I said I saw it coming," says Emma*. "We were busy parents and professionals. We didn't really argue. There were ups and downs, but nothing that said 'unhappy'."

It was Boxing Day, after what Emma thought had been the perfect Christmas, when her husband turned to her and announced he was leaving. She was 39, they'd been together since they were teenagers and they had a nine-year-old son. He told her, "I can't do this any more," and admitted that there was someone else.
 

Better Loosen Up

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Oh god, mate... :( I'll share my experience with you. Because I AM also that woman who doesn't want children. And your situation is the exact one I've always wanted to avoid because in my opinion it only leads to resentment. Having kids is life-changing and therefore can't be treated lightly. Throughout my dating life I've made sure the kids thing is brought up sooner rather than later, and depending on the conversation it has even been mentioned on a first date before! There was a guy I met on Tinder once who wanted to meet up. But we got talking one day and he mentioned how he really wanted children. I told him, what's the point of meeting up when it realistically can't go anywhere?!? On some dating sites you can show whether you want children or not which was helpful. But frustrating. The amount of men who wanted kids made me rather depressed lol. I just couldn't go there, no matter how much the guy otherwise seemed compatible. I wouldn't want him to resent me, or feel like there was something missing. I didn't want to take that away from somebody or deny him of the opportunity to have a family if it was something he really wanted in life. It's something that you can't really compromise on.

My current relationship is a long distance one (I'm in Adelaide he's in Melbourne), which made it even more difficult to know when to bring up kids haha. But I did and we had a good chat about it. He's undecided, which is better than him wanting them, but still makes me wary. But I told him all my reasons etc. He even said my opinions about it were swaying him (into the not having kids category). That wasn't my intention but some people don't think about certain things I guess. I think he thinks not liking kids is akin to maturity (which I disagree with) and he says "maybe I'll grow up one day". He's 32 lol. Anyway. He knows what he's in for.

My boss at work knew someone once, he was married to a really lovely woman and they had said they both didn't want kids. One day, he changed his mind. She didn't. So they got divorced :( But now they have both remarried and the guy has a kid with his new wife.

As much as it pains me to say it, if this is something you simply cannot look past, then the best course is to part ways :( You don't want to wait around just in case she changes her mind (which is unlikely). Luckily for men, you have time on your side because men can have kids at almost any age whereas it's more difficult for women.
I really feel for you, mate. I wish I had something more positive to impart :( also I'm sorry this was so long! GOOD LUCK.
I've made the decision that I definitely don't want kids and actually specify it in my dating profiles. Sure, it probably limits my matches significantly but I would prefer that as opposed to going 1,2 or 3 months down the track before having that awkward conversation.

I don't think I would be interested in getting involved with someone who is "undecided" because I feel I would be investing in a relationship that could go belly up at any moment over something that can in no way be compromised on.
 

rocker_oz33

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I can relate with the kids, no kids topic.

my partner and l wanted to have kids but never has happened after going though IVF multiple times though 2016,2017.
About 6-8 months ago we had a talk a kinda cross road kinda stuff she was saying things is this all life has to offer now no childern not much to look forward to.
I wanted her to be happy and offered to leave so she could maybe try a baby with someone else and she thought l didn't care about no children and the lost of the bady at 16 weeks as not affected me has much as her.
It has affected me now l dont know why now .l didn't grieve much about the loss and l kept working and saying busy.

Something set me off a few weeks back and seeing her so happy now, the happiest she been in years .She has a new range of friends and l felt like she might be moving on and leaving me behide, l felt she might even leave.

We have spoken and everything is ok between us.

Sorry if this is hard to read my spelling and grammar is Shithouse at times.
 

MWPP

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rocker_oz33 , I’m so sorry to hear about your losses :(

Despite the topic of the thread , my take on reading your post (and of course I could be way off ) - is that everyone grieves differently /at different rates . It may have hit her harder initially (at least outwardly) , and perhaps you felt you had to be strong for her (women often blame themselves too ) , but now , things have turned around and she appears to be moving on to another stage of grief (again , at least outwardly ).

I’m glad you have spoken about it /your relationship - this stuff isn’t discussed enough , sadly .

All the best to you both
 
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