Perfect long term relationships that go sour

[CheapCharlie]

Its just another avenue of meeting people. No different than going to a pub really.

Actually, 'd say it's far superior way of meeting people than going to a pub.

 

[deedog2]

I hope you're all doing well.

 

[PatrickBateman]

I'm 40. I (like most men) dated women from my teens through to mid 30s, 2 long term girlfriends in there.

Now, I let my last long term girlfriend go when I was 35, I then decided to stop with relationships. I've spent the last 5 years on myself exclusively - I'm crushing it at work (senior management) and much happier, found time to a lot of reading on EQ and self improvement, I'm in the best shape of my life - always been fit, but now with an even stricter routine - no alcohol, clean eating etc, focused more on finance too. My mental and physical stamina has never been better.

Seriously, what I've achieved in the last 5 years personally compared to the previous 15 (post school) is just amazing to me. I've realised a change of mentality, a 180 degree shift without a female in my life. I've always been a confident lad, but it's dawned on me that I've used my partner(s) in the past as an excuse to not better myself, as if they helped validate my existence.

My view on women has changed exponentially! The times when I was single, I always had the next girl in my mind. Does she like me, how can I hook her, when should I ask her out etc, etc. I used to think about scenarios of us being together, often I'd spend months like this thinking about a particular girl. Not anymore. That time I used to waste is now spent on myself, the results are a far happier, more accomplished individual. I no longer require acceptance and validation from women (not that I don't enjoy it!), I don't chase them though - my confident (somewhat cocky) nature attracts a lot more women though, and sex is never difficult to find. Women find accomplished, fit men who show they clearly don't need women very, very attractive - just saying.

I'm not gloating, I can now reflect and appreciate why so many men are unhappy, depressed, insecure, etc. I was never in that place, but just didn't know how happy and content I could be. I feel that women often work us into this state of mind, it's a trap somewhat in my opinion. By no means do I think most do it intentionally, but I'm convinced that society is not doing men a favour at this point in time. I really don't wish to rag on women, but do truly believe their expectations are ludicrous, not to mention the level of self entitlement so many have. I blame media and political correctness / politics for this.

I did always see myself having kids, which I'd say is now unlikely - a bit of a sad thought. My niece / nephew are awesome though! I just don't wish to lose myself, my security / finances, my routine, my freedom. I'm surrounded by men (work colleagues, etc) who are married, with kids, yet are a shell of a man. Always complaining about their wives, calling work their happy place (WTF?!). When the kids leave the nest, what then??

Look after number 1 gents! Chasing / obtaining a certain female is not going to = happiness.

 

[GreyCrow]

Post to user name checks out

 

[revo333]

I'm 40. I (like most men) dated women from my teens through to mid 30s, 2 long term girlfriends in there.

Now, I let my last long term girlfriend go when I was 35

Why?

 

[BEaston]

I'm 40. I (like most men) dated women from my teens through to mid 30s, 2 long term girlfriends in there.

Now, I let my last long term girlfriend go when I was 35, I then decided to stop with relationships. I've spent the last 5 years on myself exclusively - I'm crushing it at work (senior management) and much happier, found time to a lot of reading on EQ and self improvement, I'm in the best shape of my life - always been fit, but now with an even stricter routine - no alcohol, clean eating etc, focused more on finance too. My mental and physical stamina has never been better.

Seriously, what I've achieved in the last 5 years personally compared to the previous 15 (post school) is just amazing to me. I've realised a change of mentality, a 180 degree shift without a female in my life. I've always been a confident lad, but it's dawned on me that I've used my partner(s) in the past as an excuse to not better myself, as if they helped validate my existence.

My view on women has changed exponentially! The times when I was single, I always had the next girl in my mind. Does she like me, how can I hook her, when should I ask her out etc, etc. I used to think about scenarios of us being together, often I'd spend months like this thinking about a particular girl. Not anymore. That time I used to waste is now spent on myself, the results are a far happier, more accomplished individual. I no longer require acceptance and validation from women (not that I don't enjoy it!), I don't chase them though - my confident (somewhat cocky) nature attracts a lot more women though, and sex is never difficult to find. Women find accomplished, fit men who show they clearly don't need women very, very attractive - just saying.

I'm not gloating, I can now reflect and appreciate why so many men are unhappy, depressed, insecure, etc. I was never in that place, but just didn't know how happy and content I could be. I feel that women often work us into this state of mind, it's a trap somewhat in my opinion. By no means do I think most do it intentionally, but I'm convinced that society is not doing men a favour at this point in time. I really don't wish to rag on women, but do truly believe their expectations are ludicrous, not to mention the level of self entitlement so many have. I blame media and political correctness / politics for this.

I did always see myself having kids, which I'd say is now unlikely - a bit of a sad thought. My niece / nephew are awesome though! I just don't wish to lose myself, my security / finances, my routine, my freedom. I'm surrounded by men (work colleagues, etc) who are married, with kids, yet are a shell of a man. Always complaining about their wives, calling work their happy place (WTF?!). When the kids leave the nest, what then??

Look after number 1 gents! Chasing / obtaining a certain female is not going to = happiness.

Just because you were looking for validation and self-worth in a relationship previously, doesn't mean that now that you have figured yourself out that you can't now enjoy the benefits of being in a relationship.
I think there is correlation != causation at play here. It seems like being single for a while probably hastened the process of you finding self-confidence but for other people they can reach that outcome while in a relationship (it may even help) or even before they start dating.
Ideally, I don't think anyone should be looking for validation in a partner and if you are, then dating is a bad idea and doomed to fail. Ultimately only those that are fully comfortable with themselves are ready for a serious commitment with another person on the same wavelength IMO.

Edit: Having said all that, it can be preferable to some people for many reasons, so there's nothing wrong with choosing a single lifestyle.... for men or women. I feel that women are still treated differently if they choose to be single as opposed to men where it is sometimes lauded.

 

[PatrickBateman]

Just because you were looking for validation and self-worth in a relationship previously, doesn't mean that now that you have figured yourself out that you can't now enjoy the benefits of being in a relationship.

Perhaps. I just didn't focus on myself like I should have before, I don't even know for sure if validation was it. Probably more just social compliance, family expectation, etc. Just cruising on society's automatic pilot.

The problem I find with relationships is the trade offs. I'm not so pig-headed to expect to have it all my way (many, many men are), I just get tired of these common criticisms - multiple girls:
- Why is your routine so important?
- Why do you have to exercise all the time?
- Why can't we go out more / go away more?

The freedom to do more or less whatever you want, whenever you want is not easy to trade...

The older you get too, the more there is to lose if things do go sour! There's certainly no such thing as perfect relationship today IMO, people's expectations of their partner are just crazy. I'm out for now.

 

[DidakDelight]

Perhaps. I just didn't focus on myself like I should have before, I don't even know for sure if validation was it. Probably more just social compliance, family expectation, etc. Just cruising on society's automatic pilot.

The problem I find with relationships is the trade offs. I'm not so pig-headed to expect to have it all my way (many, many men are), I just get tired of these common criticisms - multiple girls:
- Why is your routine so important?
- Why do you have to exercise all the time?
- Why can't we go out more / go away more?

The freedom to do more or less whatever you want, whenever you want is not easy to trade...

The older you get too, the more there is to lose if things do go sour! There's certainly no such thing as perfect relationship today IMO, people's expectations of their partner are just crazy. I'm out for now.

His profile says he’s in Cartagena Colombia.

I would remain single too amongst all of those sexy costeña mamasitas as well.

 

[rocker_oz33]

Anyone found themself in the position where they're fond of their partner and generally get on well with them, but at the same time wouldn't be inconsolable if you were to break up? If so how did it end up?

Is happened on grand designs the couple broke up but were still freinds.
The woman stayed on to be the Project manager on the house.


Are you talking about Jerry and Elaine type stories ?

Normally I think it's hard to stay freinds or at least close.

 

[PatrickBateman]

Normally I think it's hard to stay freinds or at least close.

I agree, plus it's pointless in my opinion.

People seem to forget that most relationships are generally a transaction, especially these days. Once the transaction no longer exists (money, sex, companionship, loneliness alleviation, anxiety alleviation, social acceptance, children - then grow up, etc) then it's done, it's over. There's someone else honoring the transaction for either one or both of the couple in question before too long, or the need is gone altogether.

The whole 'love' thing perpetuated in media (film, songs) just doesn't exist for the most part. People go looking for it, then often get disappointed when it doesn't happen. Often men get complacent, women get bored.

Stats I've seen, women instigate divorce 70% of the time. There's no bigger financial risk on this planet for men than marriage, period.

 

[Fortune Cookie]

Dude, you already know the answer. You just want to be told that it's ok.
It's ok.

Talk with her. Tell her how you feel.

It'll be bumpy for a while but you'll be alright.

 

[rocker_oz33]

Im basically saying my girlfriend is the more invested one in the relationship than me. In my previous relationships I've been the mkre invested one. I like her company but not 100 percent sure if I want to go down the married with children path. Not really sure what to do.

Im 25 and we've been together two years. We live together and can feel the pressure for that next stage will come from her sooner rather than later.

Sounds like you have a good lady you dont want her gone.
You might regret if she goes.
Tough one.
Let her know how you feel.
It might not be all doom and gloom.

Theres all sorts of emotions in r-ships.

 

[ash_1050]

Im basically saying my girlfriend is the more invested one in the relationship than me. In my previous relationships I've been the mkre invested one. I like her company but not 100 percent sure if I want to go down the married with children path. Not really sure what to do.

Im 25 and we've been together two years. We live together and can feel the pressure for that next stage will come from her sooner rather than later.

Small sample size but I was in your spot at roughly the same age and having been together two years. We broke up, got back together and broke up again in the 24 months after that because I didn't know what I wanted. Still one of my biggest regrets breaking up, she's an amazing person and she deserved my support a hell of a lot more than she got from me.


My advise would be to run through the scenarios of what happens, preferably with someone you trust who can sit there and listen to you try figure it out. What happens if you break up? What happens if you stay together? What happens if you have an honest conversation with her? In the mean time she's probably picking up on your unease so try and ensure you're not causing her more stress than she needs as it's unfair on her.

 

[ash_1050]

Thanks. Are you happy now though? I feel like I should add that we are from different backgrounds and when I try to have conversations about different topics she is willfully ignorant and says 'i don't know anything about that'.

Above is a shitty comment but does lead to a lot of reoccurring conversation which leaves me bored. Is this something you would take in to consideration?

Apologies for the stream of consciousness.

I'm happy with everything other than not having a partner, I'd much rather be in a relationship (currently 30) rather than going through the onus of dating and casual sex. What's causing the boredom? Why would you want to break up? Is it something you need to work on or something she needs to work on (or both)? I feel like a conversation with someone who knows you both would be the best approach, a trusted mate who you can sit down and get some advice off.

 

[PatrickBateman]

I'd much rather be in a relationship (currently 30) rather than going through the onus of dating and casual sex.

I think it's a shame this mentality is so common. I know, I had it too!

But, I broke off a long term relationship 5 years ago (when 35), and have stayed single since (dated a bit). The development I've been able to make within myself, what I've achieved, I've never been happier. I know for certain I would have been more complacent in a relationship, and it's not me. I would have just coasted.

I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to be in a relationship. In many respects, women can be an impediment, especially if you're not someone who's demanding and very reliant on your partner.

 

[ash_1050]

I think it's a shame this mentality is so common. I know, I had it too! But, I broke off a long term relationship 5 years ago (when 35), and have stayed single since (dated a bit).

Nothing shameful about it, if I'd been in a long term relationship for the entirety of my late 20's and early 30's I'd probably have the same outlook as you do. We've had totally different trajectories in life, which is why we're looking at things different. I've done a lot of the personal growth stuff, including living in Europe for 5 years in two different countries and I moved back to Aus to play catch up on career and to focus more on the long term. Of those goals since moving back I'm in my own place, I'm in a decent paying job and the final piece of the puzzle would be finding a compatible partner rather than a rotating list of friends with benefits.

What I was saying to t_94 is that I was in a very similar position 4 years ago to where he is now and I regretted breaking up. It's a sample size of one, but he asked for advice and I was able to share my experience.

 

[rocker_oz33]

Met in 1982, married in 1984, had children in 1985 and 1987, separated in 2017, I love the single life now but we are connected forever through children, grand children and shared experiences, a lot happens in 35 years although when you think about it a lot can actually happen in a few seconds that can have a dramatic affect on your life.

Where the hell did my life go? Turning 60 next month.

60 is the new 40.
You'll be right mate.

 

[Run n Spread]

I'm 40. I (like most men) dated women from my teens through to mid 30s, 2 long term girlfriends in there.

Now, I let my last long term girlfriend go when I was 35, I then decided to stop with relationships. I've spent the last 5 years on myself exclusively - I'm crushing it at work (senior management) and much happier, found time to a lot of reading on EQ and self improvement, I'm in the best shape of my life - always been fit, but now with an even stricter routine - no alcohol, clean eating etc, focused more on finance too. My mental and physical stamina has never been better.

Seriously, what I've achieved in the last 5 years personally compared to the previous 15 (post school) is just amazing to me. I've realised a change of mentality, a 180 degree shift without a female in my life. I've always been a confident lad, but it's dawned on me that I've used my partner(s) in the past as an excuse to not better myself, as if they helped validate my existence.

My view on women has changed exponentially! The times when I was single, I always had the next girl in my mind. Does she like me, how can I hook her, when should I ask her out etc, etc. I used to think about scenarios of us being together, often I'd spend months like this thinking about a particular girl. Not anymore. That time I used to waste is now spent on myself, the results are a far happier, more accomplished individual. I no longer require acceptance and validation from women (not that I don't enjoy it!), I don't chase them though - my confident (somewhat cocky) nature attracts a lot more women though, and sex is never difficult to find. Women find accomplished, fit men who show they clearly don't need women very, very attractive - just saying.

I'm not gloating, I can now reflect and appreciate why so many men are unhappy, depressed, insecure, etc. I was never in that place, but just didn't know how happy and content I could be. I feel that women often work us into this state of mind, it's a trap somewhat in my opinion. By no means do I think most do it intentionally, but I'm convinced that society is not doing men a favour at this point in time. I really don't wish to rag on women, but do truly believe their expectations are ludicrous, not to mention the level of self entitlement so many have. I blame media and political correctness / politics for this.

I did always see myself having kids, which I'd say is now unlikely - a bit of a sad thought. My niece / nephew are awesome though! I just don't wish to lose myself, my security / finances, my routine, my freedom. I'm surrounded by men (work colleagues, etc) who are married, with kids, yet are a shell of a man. Always complaining about their wives, calling work their happy place (WTF?!). When the kids leave the nest, what then??

Look after number 1 gents! Chasing / obtaining a certain female is not going to = happiness.

I think you're right. MGTOW (however it was caused and whatever it means makes the most sense). I don't know how it happened but it did.

Fact is the chase, hunt "picking up" pulling"etc is a flat out waste of time. A woman is attracted or they are not. And if you chase your tale and end up with 1 you've sold yourself short and will be sprinting the rest of your life into an early grave.

Find a goal,find a purpose and find a reason for being. Make some money when and where you can. Then just live life. Or move. Marriage etc has always been a fairy tale for the upper calss to sell down. Bit like Cocaine. Just go and live your life
If you want kids sure plan your life accordingly and find someone and work out an arrangement. But otherwise you're just a Leprechaun chasing a pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow that don't exist. Live the life you want.

 

[Jesse Custer]

First let me say im sorry to read these sad stories and while some of these posts are a while ago now i hope everyone has come through ok and are happy where they are at.

I'd like to share my story somewhat belatedly..

I lived with my ex partner for 4 years in my house. She loved me wanted a family etc. She doesn't have any resources let alone a car. Had a twenty thousand credit card debt when i met her. I was a substance abuser which isn't an excuse but it didn't allow me to see things clearly and caused me to handle things poorly. Anyway its been 14 months or so since she left me. I understand why she did that and wondered why she didn't do it sooner. Thankfully, we didn't get married or have kids. I made sure of that. But its her post break up behavior that has confused me. In that time, i have cleaned myself up. She on the other hand rebounded within 2 months, soon after moved in with him repeating what she did with me, whilst keeping in contact. I tried to get her back, i apologized, showed her that my behavior had changed but to no avail. In hindsight thank you she didn't come back. She has always been on the fence about us. I look back and can't believe my actions and thoughts. What she has been doing and continues to do (we still speak but i'll make it clear she does 100% of initiating contacting) is clear as day. I allowed it though because soon after we split, she developed a very serious health issue and i felt i couldn't just cut her off. So we remained "friends". Anyway im in a much better place today. I realized that most of my pain was because of my attachment to her and co dependency. Once i broke that because time does truly heal all wounds, im ok. I speak to my mother about this quite often because to be honest the whole situation has confused the hell out of me, like for example why does she still contact me when she is with another bloke? Anyway, my mother continues to this day to tell me she will never let you go and she will return one day. That talk baffles me, it really does.

Anyway so im good now. So ive recently met someone online but we can't meet due to these restrictions we are all suffering with. We are going to meet but im thinking should i do this? Is it really worth it? I mean it's just a matter of time until this relationship if it gets off the ground burns out too. Why put myself through that again. I'm better off single and free, living the mgtow lifestyle. It's just the way it is. I really don't know.

p.s. An example of confusion or ****ed up behavior from the ex. I was going to go overseas this year before the pandemic struck, and whilst being with a bloke she wanted to come with me... There are more...

 

[PatrickBateman]

for example why does she still contact me when she is with another bloke?

p.s. An example of confusion or f’ed up behavior from the ex. I was going to go overseas this year before the pandemic struck, and whilst being with a bloke she wanted to come with me... There are more...

Women are hypergamous by nature, many will simply never stop moving on to where there's more security / money, etc. Unless of course what they have at a given time they feel is sufficient. I dare say her new guy doesn't have as much as you, or she doesn't see a future with him as fruitful as one with you.

Anyway so im good now. So ive recently met someone online but we can't meet due to these restrictions we are all suffering with. We are going to meet but im thinking should i do this? Is it really worth it? I mean it's just a matter of time until this relationship if it gets off the ground burns out too. Why put myself through that again. I'm better off single and free, living the mgtow lifestyle. It's just the way it is. I really don't know.

Thanks for sharing. I too had to run through a trial and error process in order to genuinely figure it all out. There's a heap of material online now, with experienced men talking about male happiness - personal growth / responsibility, along with female nature. Whether I would have believed it before experiencing women in reality? Not sure. I say it gives the young guys a definite leg-up though today.

Don't bother with MGTOW, just red pill it, have short term relationships and make no promises. If you don't wish to have children, I see any type of relationship tying you down as a complete waste of what would have been a happy life. Most women are a drain, they are insecure and generally unhappy, they will weigh you down... you don't need it. A lot of men seem to love the thought of having a women who is all dependent on them, like it gives them a sense of belonging - this is an insecure male. A strong, confident male will seek a strong, confident female who has HER OWN purpose in life, not one looking to attach and nest. That's what life sharing is about, not dependency.

Funnel all that negative thought and energy re your ex into improving yourself my man - she's far from worth it, brighter days ahead.

 

[Jesse Custer]

Thanks Patrick my man. I really appreciate your words.

 

[revo333]

She on the other hand rebounded within 2 months, soon after moved in with him repeating what she did with me, whilst keeping in contact. I tried to get her back, i apologized, showed her that my behavior had changed but to no avail.

 

[Jesse Custer]

Yep i know. Didn't want to believe it but its true. Only a matter of time until her relationship burns out too.

 

[Run n Spread]

First let me say im sorry to read these sad stories and while some of these posts are a while ago now i hope everyone has come through ok and are happy where they are at.

I'd like to share my story somewhat belatedly..

I lived with my ex partner for 4 years in my house. She loved me wanted a family etc. She doesn't have any resources let alone a car. Had a twenty thousand credit card debt when i met her. I was a substance abuser which isn't an excuse but it didn't allow me to see things clearly and caused me to handle things poorly. Anyway its been 14 months or so since she left me. I understand why she did that and wondered why she didn't do it sooner. Thankfully, we didn't get married or have kids. I made sure of that. But its her post break up behavior that has confused me. In that time, i have cleaned myself up. She on the other hand rebounded within 2 months, soon after moved in with him repeating what she did with me, whilst keeping in contact. I tried to get her back, i apologized, showed her that my behavior had changed but to no avail. In hindsight thank you she didn't come back. She has always been on the fence about us. I look back and can't believe my actions and thoughts. What she has been doing and continues to do (we still speak but i'll make it clear she does 100% of initiating contacting) is clear as day. I allowed it though because soon after we split, she developed a very serious health issue and i felt i couldn't just cut her off. So we remained "friends". Anyway im in a much better place today. I realized that most of my pain was because of my attachment to her and co dependency. Once i broke that because time does truly heal all wounds, im ok. I speak to my mother about this quite often because to be honest the whole situation has confused the hell out of me, like for example why does she still contact me when she is with another bloke? Anyway, my mother continues to this day to tell me she will never let you go and she will return one day. That talk baffles me, it really does.

Anyway so im good now. So ive recently met someone online but we can't meet due to these restrictions we are all suffering with. We are going to meet but im thinking should i do this? Is it really worth it? I mean it's just a matter of time until this relationship if it gets off the ground burns out too. Why put myself through that again. I'm better off single and free, living the mgtow lifestyle. It's just the way it is. I really don't know.

p.s. An example of confusion or f’ed up behavior from the ex. I was going to go overseas this year before the pandemic struck, and whilst being with a bloke she wanted to come with me... There are more...

Look women aren't that much different to men so don't take it personally.
She is keeping you in the hook because you are her fringe player if it goes south with the current set up.
Just maybe get that substance thing sorted and do what you want to do. Don't be someone's second choice and vice versa.
I think times have changed. Relationships don't really work. If you want children you need to be clear and direct otherwise everyone needs to tred their own path

 

[OnTheRocks]

Why put myself through that again.

To get it all (love) you have to risk it all (heartbreak). Love, true love is worth it