Perfect long term relationships that go sour

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ash_1050 said:
It was more the blanket statement about women being incapable of loving men and instead are only capable of loving economic output. Women aren't shareholders, they're people. Making definitive sexist statements doesn't help anyone, least of all the miserable person making them.
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Hypergamy is very real... dont kid yourself
 

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GROTTO said:
You will be surprised by the number of guys that do not get this or even know about this.

It is genuinely real.
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It's pretty much common sense as well, with wanting financial security and aiming high in terms of your social status. It's not always the case in reality though obviously.
 
Hopefully this thread can be resurrected to its earlier top form...

I was with my ex for nearly 35 years. We were both immature and naive when we got married. First real relationship for both of us. We were the last unmarried ones in our friends circle and we both kind of shrugged and said why not. We had some happy times but for most of it we lived as flatmates who happened to share the same bed. Still managed to have three kids. Once the kids arrived she turned the sex tap off and I became a workaholic - a self-reinforcing death spiral.
Major career s**t happened and I had an alcoholic "friend" who encouraged me to drown my sorrows which inter alia led to separation and divorce. I was in a very low place and incredibly vulnerable, formed a relationship with the alcoholic which was massively toxic and sexually/emotionally abusive. Once she'd dealt with me she moved on to her next victim.
Being utterly desperate and needing any form of validation I could find, I hit oasis and pretty much straight away found a wonderful, bubbly, smart, sexy woman and had a wonderful three months before she called one morning and said she couldn't go on because I was too similar to her ex. Absolute kick in the guts. Next was a 15-month stint as a doormat for a feminist, because I'd convinced myself it was all I was worth and I deserved to be treated that way. Eventually I saw sense and moved out and I've been on my own for nearly 5 years.
All this time my dog was my companion and protector, and she looked after me when I needed it most.
My youngest lives with my ex, and I saw her every week during footy season at his games. We got on just fine and we both made significant improvements over the seven years since we split. We're both far more mature, tolerant, accepting. Much better versions of our old selves.
One thing that kept me going was the thought that one day, there was a slim chance that if I showed her how much I'd changed too, she might consider starting fresh, a coffee date and take it from there. Really slim, no hope, but figures like 18% of divorced couples eventually get back together was encouraging.
Lots more s**t happened, a couple of months ago I had heart surgery and I honestly didn't care if I lived or died. I spent a day and night recovering at my ex's as the hospital didn't want me to be alone. It went well.
Ten days later the vet came for my dog as she'd been sick for some time. Once she'd gone I realised just how lonely I'd been, shut in here without much human contact for four years.
Middle of the ******* lockdown of course, so I couldn't see my ex, but we were messaging and phoning each other every couple of days.
Lockdown ends, she invites me round for coffee. Haircut, shower, shave, cologne, flowers "for the house", I'm ready.
Half an hour of wonderful communication - both of us talking and really listening, the way we never did when married - I explain how I'm making changes in my life and moving forward and upward. Next sentence was going to be asking if she'd like to go out for lunch... I took a sip of coffee and she said she'd been seeing someone new for three months and it was working out and how did I feel about that.
It was news I'd been expecting and dreading. I was numb. We discussed things - full communication again, it was ******* magic - for another hour and a half before I went home.
It wasn't so much she'd found someone else - hell, I had no claim on her, and she deserves love and happiness - but the timing couldn't have been worse. I'd just been hanging on by the thinnest of threads and that tiny little glimmer of hope was gone. The gigantic weight of realising I was now completely, utterly, irrevocably alone crushed me like a bug. Unwanted, abandoned, unloved and unlovable, I could see no point going on. It wasn't her. It was ultra loneliness.
I managed a couple of hours sleep and by lunchtime was mindlessly watching random youtube videos to keep my mind distracted when this came up.




Most men live lives of quiet desperation.

That resonated so ******* hard. I watched the rest of the video. There's a moment when he says you can be in a really ****ed state of mind and you can make decisions now that in a couple of hours will have you in a much better place. I replayed that bit, and at that instant, was a text from a place I do odd jobs for. I made a decision. I asked him to call me and we discussed more work and perhaps a job. I watched the rest.

"Live your life like you're the hero in your movie. And right now is when the ******* movie starts and your life is a shitbag disaster, like every ******* Schwarzenegger movie where he wakes up and makes a blender full of pizza and ice cream ... those guys are on the brink, they put the gun in their mouth and they put it down cuz they see a photo of their daughter. Pretend thats you. Pretend you are right now in the part of the movie that starts and it shows you as a ******* loser. And just decide not to be a loser any more."

And so I did.

That stupid, random, 20-minute youtube video has literally saved my life.

That, and another where an ex-soldier says the best advice he ever had was to write down everything that is wrong with your life, and when you're finished, cross out the lines you cannot control or change. Then start changing the ones you can.

And so I did.

I've been exercising every day, eating healthy food, lining up work, and went on to zoosk. Holy *, what? In your state? So soon? Yes. I'm still the new improved guy I was before, just dealing with grief and trauma in a much healthier way. I am in such an unbelievably better place than I have been for years. Still damaged, still hurting, but on top of it and actively improving every day.

I've had one coffee date with a woman who has been separated for five months and has two teenagers at home. She is so wrapped up dealing with her kids issues she has had no time to herself, certainly no time to accept what happened and to grieve for her marriage. Basically where I was six years ago. I just gave her the best advice I could and said she should reconsider being on a dating site as she is really vulnerable and I'd hate to see her taken advantage of.

On Wednesday I met another lady who I'd initially discouraged because I'd been looking locally and zoosk decided a 250km round trip was local. We ticked each other's boxes and she wanted to try. YOLO, right? Over brunch we were telling our life stories and I just launched into full brain dump mode. She didn't say much but by god you should have heard her listen! Had to cut off mid-story because she had to go to work.
All the way home I was kicking myself for being such a prat and not letting her get a word in edgeways. Usually you need to poke me with a stick to get a word out, she was just so easy to talk to. One chance and I'd blown it. I accepted failure. Dickhead. Start looking again.
She called me on Thursday morning and she asked how I thought our meetup went. "Crashed and burned, I'm sorry I rabbited on." She said not at all, she wants to hear the rest of the story... and yes she does want a second date. Due to her work shifts that'll be Sunday.

It's weird. She's not the sort of woman I'd have picked as compatible. But there's something about her that's magnetic. And it's not "you're rebounding hard and therefore anyone who messages you twice is an automatic 10." I reckon a nice lunch and walk with no time constraints on Sunday will be magic. Be interesting to see if I have to drive all the way back. Can't wait.
 
bennytheroach said:
Hopefully this thread can be resurrected to its earlier top form...
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Thanks for sharing mate, that's quite a journey you've been on and you should be incredibly proud of the way you've conducted yourself throughout. One thing I would say is don't see being in a relationship as the end goal, rather see you being at your best as the end goal. The right person will come along one day, but the way you look after yourself and your mental health is what's most important, and at the moment it sounds like you're doing a damn good job of it.
 

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bennytheroach said:
I reckon a nice lunch and walk with no time constraints on Sunday will be magic. Be interesting to see if I have to drive all the way back. Can't wait.
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so, how’d you go mate?
 
ash_1050 said:
don't see being in a relationship as the end goal, rather see you being at your best as the end goal. The right person will come along one day, but the way you look after yourself and your mental health is what's most important, and at the moment it sounds like you're doing a damn good job of it.
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You're right of course. Every day I have to keep telling myself I'm doing it for me and not anyone else, still got that little voice in my ear telling me I'm a liar. The problem with going it alone is progress would be so much better and healthier if I had someone else affirming and encouraging me, then we're straight back to the situation of me doing it for them and not myself :)

Ex is still popping up in my thoughts unexpectedly/randomly. "STOP! STOP IT! She's moved overseas, she's out of the picture, you've drawn a line through her name. Move on!" So far it's working.

Yakker said:
so, how’d you go mate?
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She pulled a double shift on Saturday and was feeling crook afterwards and canned it. Waiting on a call today. Not terribly hopeful.
 
...aaaaand after a week of delays due to a major kerfuffle at work, we had a fantastic lunch followed by sheltering from the rain and cold in a park where we talked for another hour, punctuated by smooches. As ****ed up as my life has been, she's had it worse, and I'm happy to take it slow. No more updates until there's a confirmed yes/no which may be in a couple of months.

You Learn Your Lesson: if its cold and pissing with rain, put TWO coats in the car. Not none.
 
bennytheroach said:
...aaaaand after a week of delays due to a major kerfuffle at work, we had a fantastic lunch followed by sheltering from the rain and cold in a park where we talked for another hour, punctuated by smooches. As f’ed up as my life has been, she's had it worse, and I'm happy to take it slow. No more updates until there's a confirmed yes/no which may be in a couple of months.

You Learn Your Lesson: if its cold and pissing with rain, put TWO coats in the car. Not none.
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* yeah!!! Good luck mate
 
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