Crows Mid-Season Review by the termites under the carpet
Present: Rob Chapman, Andrew Fagan, Nigel Smart, Mark Ricciuto, Phil Walsh
RC: Thank you for coming - at 6 and 4 it seems a reasonably successful start to the season, Phil. Well done to Mark on outsourcing the coaching position. We are well on the way to returning to an AFL power.
PW: We're not the Power yet, Rob. There's a long way to go, and lots of challenges to be addressed.
NS: I don't care..
AF: NIGEL! I've told you to stop saying that. Now go into that room until I say you can come out!
RC: Thank you Andrew. Now, Phil. As I was saying, the boys seem to be going well. What is your assessment of the year so far?
PW: (deep breath) OK. Well, we started off well, beating North, Collingwood and Melbourne...
AF: Collingwood are a good team. I see that they're 4th.
MR: Errr.. they've had a soft draw, Andrew.
NS: (muffled) I don't care
PW: ...then the boys got a bit ahead of themselves and dropped a certain win against the Bulldogs, before being outclassed by Port.
MR: Arrr... they were ..ummm...lucky.
PW: We then bounced back to beat the Gold Coast and St Kilda; got ahead off ourselves again and lost for the first time ever to GWS, put in our best effort yet but still lost to Fremantle and just stumbled over the line against the Barker Blues...
AF: Are you cold Phil?
PW: No.
AF: Then STOP playing with your nipples. You're making everyone uncomfortable.
NS: I don't care...
RC: Thank you. So, Phil, looking at the ladder, we've played three top 8 teams and beaten one, lost to the 9th and 11th placed teams and beaten 5 of the bottom 7. How do you see the remainder of the season panning out?
PW: After the break we play Hawthorn, Brisbane, Geelong, West Coast then Port again...
AF: AGAIN? Rob, you need to talk to Gil again about our tough draw.
MR: Ehrm...We must beat...ahhh... Port.
PW: ..realistically, we'll be expecting to beat Brisbane. Then in the last few rounds we play Gold Coast and Brisbane again. If we can pinch a couple of other games and things fall our way, we may make the finals.
MR: Errr....ummm....ahhhh...
AF: Spit it out, Ricciuto. Don't they give you eloquence lessons at Triple M?
MR: Nahhhhh....
AF: #balance
NS: I don't care.
RC: OK, righto gents. Moving along, Phil, what about the players? Who's performing above expectations? Who's not making an impact or is injured?
PW: I don't talk about the individual. I'm only interested in team.
Eddie Betts has been far and away our best. If only he could play midfield, or get 20 possessions a game, like Winga....anyway. Laird surprises me - I thought he was a spud. Lever and Kelly have made good debuts. Our midfield has been decimated by injuries to Sloanedog, Crouchingtiger and Hiddendouglas. Tex needs to do more, but what a top bloke and character, ay? But again, I don't talk about the individual.
RC: OK Phil. To sum up then, even with the best draw Gil could arrange, you still only expect to finish in the bottom part of the 8 at best? What else do you need?
PW: I need DangerandSloanedogtostayasecondruckleadersrunnerstacklersdefendersmidfieldersforwardsnipplepiercings...
NS: I don't...
AF: NIGEL! You can come out of the closet now.
RC: Thank you, Phil. We'll talk to you again at the end of the year after the players tell us what they think.
PW: What a manconversation....