The AFL does love it a theme round. Indigenous Round, Bush League Round (isn't that every Carlton game? Eh! EH!!!), and now Global Pandemic Round - and possibly season.
In the biggest anti-climax since The Big Big Sound evaporated like a wet fart, the league's annual season-opening blockbuster will now be a direct to video event. How will the sterile atmosphere affect the game, the players, their performance? The umpires? The fans? A few thoughts:
We all make choices in life: sign up to this, say no to that, let me get back to you on that girl from accounting's going away drinks (yeah, I ain't comin'). Some of these choices lead you to a wonderful world of discovery (yay, threesomes!), while others make you wonder what the hell you signed up for (see: Marriage, Year 2). And then there's saying you'll watch a Carlton game - no, wait - A PRACTICE GAME-what!?-FAAAARRRK! wHAT is wroNg wItH mE??? to better write a match preview.
C'mon, get a grip. I'm a man, I can do this. I can totally not do what I said I was going to do. Who the fudge watches Carlton voluntarily? I heard Bugsy Bolton coached with his eyes closed, and we all know SOS would strap on his favourite blindfold before throwing darts at the draftboard.
Sigh.
*, come on. Five minutes.
...
...
Omigod.
They are so bad.
Like, terrible.
How can you have a million top-5 draft choices and still be s**t? Who are they? Melbourne?!?
As they love to tell us, Carlton has turned over approximately 758 players in the last five years. And yet look at some of the detritus still on their list: Kennedy, Lang, Polson, Plowman, Silvagni, Silvagni...
Paddy Dow. Pick 3. Good grief. The bloke practices self-isolation from the ball, and on the odd occasion he does get it, the ball practices self-isolation from his teammates. #wehavethebestDow (#andthebestGrimesandthebestRiewoldtandthebestRioli)
Look at their B&F results from last year: Lachie Plowman came third. Lachie Plowman! Third!!! * me sideways, Casboult was 5th!!!
Cripps. Yeah, he's pretty good. But you know what we call a 194cm/95kg midfielder where I come from? A failed centre-half-forward. Sure, Blues fans will cream that he can 'pinch-hit' up front, but give him a full game against our backline and I guarantee he'll be wearing Broady's premiership medal before the utensil crows.
Walsh looks like a Kane Cornes clone, so in time he should become a decent run-with player.
Who else? Old Man Simpson is playing on into his 60s, as he attempts to become the greatest loser in the history of footy. On Thursday night he will move within two of all-time leader Kevin Murray. He's joined by the washed-up Eddie Betts, a development that some think caused Carlton fans to start The Great Toilet Paper Rush, but not for poo reasons if you know what I mean. (Jerking off. They've been jerking off about recruiting a 33-year-old. Green shoots, more like cream shoots, amirite? Grey shoots?)
Krooooooz. Poor old Lurch. No sooner had the big fella suffered his latest heart attack than they were forcing him back out there for a practice match.
Weitering. Pick 1 on a back pocket. Alongside Plowman (pick 3) and Marchbank (pick 6), that gives them more top-10 back pockets than there are back pockets in a footy team. That's how you build a list - everyone knows flags are won by back pockets.
Docherty. Remember him? Footsteps was a pretty good player before he did his knee three times. I'm sure he'll jump right back on the horse and be pulling out of contests like it's 2016.
Jack Martin. Harley Bennell with less talent, less dedication but better calves. Not fit to carry Marlion Pickett's bag.
Petrevski-Seton. Poor man's Sydney Stack.
They do have Liam Jones, who even before Rance retired was The Greatest Fullback In History Apart From SOS*. *Citation needed.
Righto, enough s**t-talk. Time for a little anal-aces.
Our midfield v their midfield aka Cripps against the world
Last time we played Carlton, our lads employed the ingenious tactic of tapping the ball over Cripps' head at stoppages, keeping him to just four clearances while his direct opponent, 18-year-old Jack Ross, had six, and Dion Prestia had 10. Poor old Paddy has earned the nickname Sisyphus, and he's in for another season of pushing s**t uphill, starting Thursday night. Ross probably won't even get a game this time round, such is the Cox Plate quality of our midfield. Dusty, Cotch, Dion, Sheds, Lambo, Marlion, and maybe but probably not Jack Graham that is, who had 22 disposals, 14 tackles and 4 goals last time against this mob.
Our backline v their forwardline aka stop-stohohop-he's-already-deaaed!
With no Charlie Curnow and no Harry McKay, the Blues will be relying on the shorter, fatter, shitter McGovern, Deadeye Casboult, and Betts, who even in his prime forgot what a footy looked like when Dylan Grimes stood next to him.
Our forwardline v their backline aka who's gonna fetch the footies they better have a net
Jones and Weitering will play on Lynch and Jack. It's early in the year so our lads might only combine for half a dozen. Our swarm of mozzies will create havoc and Dusty will humiliate whoever draws the short straw when he goes forward.
The wash-up
As mentioned, the Blues are a month further advanced in their preparation. As usual, they will be psyched up for their grand final, while for us it's really still pre-season. Our season doesn't start until July, and with no crowd, our blokes will feel even more like a training session. So it will be closer than the actual gulf between the teams.
But we're way too good. Richmond by 28.
In the biggest anti-climax since The Big Big Sound evaporated like a wet fart, the league's annual season-opening blockbuster will now be a direct to video event. How will the sterile atmosphere affect the game, the players, their performance? The umpires? The fans? A few thoughts:
- Richmond fans will lament the missed opportunity to share in the unfurling of our latest premiership flag in the face of the old enemy, while Carlton fans can pretend they were actually going to turn up. Advantage Carlton.
- Research shows that if you are expert at an activity, performing in front of a crowd enhances your performance. But there will be no crowd. Advantage Carlton again.
- Having their 2019 season finish, as usual, in August, compared to ours, as usual, going deep into September, means the Blues have an extra month's training under their belts. Advantage Carlton again.
We all make choices in life: sign up to this, say no to that, let me get back to you on that girl from accounting's going away drinks (yeah, I ain't comin'). Some of these choices lead you to a wonderful world of discovery (yay, threesomes!), while others make you wonder what the hell you signed up for (see: Marriage, Year 2). And then there's saying you'll watch a Carlton game - no, wait - A PRACTICE GAME-what!?-FAAAARRRK! wHAT is wroNg wItH mE??? to better write a match preview.
C'mon, get a grip. I'm a man, I can do this. I can totally not do what I said I was going to do. Who the fudge watches Carlton voluntarily? I heard Bugsy Bolton coached with his eyes closed, and we all know SOS would strap on his favourite blindfold before throwing darts at the draftboard.
Sigh.
*, come on. Five minutes.
...
...
Omigod.
They are so bad.
Like, terrible.
How can you have a million top-5 draft choices and still be s**t? Who are they? Melbourne?!?
As they love to tell us, Carlton has turned over approximately 758 players in the last five years. And yet look at some of the detritus still on their list: Kennedy, Lang, Polson, Plowman, Silvagni, Silvagni...
Paddy Dow. Pick 3. Good grief. The bloke practices self-isolation from the ball, and on the odd occasion he does get it, the ball practices self-isolation from his teammates. #wehavethebestDow (#andthebestGrimesandthebestRiewoldtandthebestRioli)
Look at their B&F results from last year: Lachie Plowman came third. Lachie Plowman! Third!!! * me sideways, Casboult was 5th!!!
Cripps. Yeah, he's pretty good. But you know what we call a 194cm/95kg midfielder where I come from? A failed centre-half-forward. Sure, Blues fans will cream that he can 'pinch-hit' up front, but give him a full game against our backline and I guarantee he'll be wearing Broady's premiership medal before the utensil crows.
Walsh looks like a Kane Cornes clone, so in time he should become a decent run-with player.
Who else? Old Man Simpson is playing on into his 60s, as he attempts to become the greatest loser in the history of footy. On Thursday night he will move within two of all-time leader Kevin Murray. He's joined by the washed-up Eddie Betts, a development that some think caused Carlton fans to start The Great Toilet Paper Rush, but not for poo reasons if you know what I mean. (Jerking off. They've been jerking off about recruiting a 33-year-old. Green shoots, more like cream shoots, amirite? Grey shoots?)
Krooooooz. Poor old Lurch. No sooner had the big fella suffered his latest heart attack than they were forcing him back out there for a practice match.
Weitering. Pick 1 on a back pocket. Alongside Plowman (pick 3) and Marchbank (pick 6), that gives them more top-10 back pockets than there are back pockets in a footy team. That's how you build a list - everyone knows flags are won by back pockets.
Docherty. Remember him? Footsteps was a pretty good player before he did his knee three times. I'm sure he'll jump right back on the horse and be pulling out of contests like it's 2016.
Jack Martin. Harley Bennell with less talent, less dedication but better calves. Not fit to carry Marlion Pickett's bag.
Petrevski-Seton. Poor man's Sydney Stack.
They do have Liam Jones, who even before Rance retired was The Greatest Fullback In History Apart From SOS*. *Citation needed.
Righto, enough s**t-talk. Time for a little anal-aces.
Our midfield v their midfield aka Cripps against the world
Last time we played Carlton, our lads employed the ingenious tactic of tapping the ball over Cripps' head at stoppages, keeping him to just four clearances while his direct opponent, 18-year-old Jack Ross, had six, and Dion Prestia had 10. Poor old Paddy has earned the nickname Sisyphus, and he's in for another season of pushing s**t uphill, starting Thursday night. Ross probably won't even get a game this time round, such is the Cox Plate quality of our midfield. Dusty, Cotch, Dion, Sheds, Lambo, Marlion, and maybe but probably not Jack Graham that is, who had 22 disposals, 14 tackles and 4 goals last time against this mob.
Our backline v their forwardline aka stop-stohohop-he's-already-deaaed!
With no Charlie Curnow and no Harry McKay, the Blues will be relying on the shorter, fatter, shitter McGovern, Deadeye Casboult, and Betts, who even in his prime forgot what a footy looked like when Dylan Grimes stood next to him.
Our forwardline v their backline aka who's gonna fetch the footies they better have a net
Jones and Weitering will play on Lynch and Jack. It's early in the year so our lads might only combine for half a dozen. Our swarm of mozzies will create havoc and Dusty will humiliate whoever draws the short straw when he goes forward.
The wash-up
As mentioned, the Blues are a month further advanced in their preparation. As usual, they will be psyched up for their grand final, while for us it's really still pre-season. Our season doesn't start until July, and with no crowd, our blokes will feel even more like a training session. So it will be closer than the actual gulf between the teams.
But we're way too good. Richmond by 28.
soak in the fact we're the reigning premiers all season long, irrelevant of crowd or lack of crowd 
